A Special World
by JuleWhatev
Summary: ON HOLD! IMPORTANT NOTE IN Ch10! Sequel to "A Special Patient" but can stand on its own. Starting with Esme's changing and how her life continues, focussing on the love story between Carlisle and Esme... rated M for later chapters! Enjoy! Please R&R!
1. Prologue

_**This is the sequel to my story "A Special Patient", so if you haven't read it, please do, though it's not necessary... this prologue is really the epilogue from "A Special Patient" so if you read "A Special Patient" you can skip this chapter and go on with chapter 1... **_

_**This story starts with ESme's changing and tells about her life after Carlisle found her and their developing love...**__** I hope you like it! Enjoy!** **And remember, reviews make me happy!**_

**_A __Special World_**

"_What we call the beginning is often the end. And to make an end is to make a beginning. The end is where we start from." T.S. Elliot_

_**1921, Ashland, Wisconsin **_

_**PROLOGUE**_

_**Esme's POV **_

I stared at the tiny bundle in my arms. My son. He was so beautiful. His tiny hands and fingers, his cute little face, these round blue eyes which were now closed, forever closed. Another sob rose in my throat but no tears fell. I had cried too much in these last hours. I had no more tears to shed. My son was dead, my only reason to live…

_I had given birth to him only a few days ago. My beautiful baby boy… He was perfect and strong. But then he started to get a fever. I was worried sick and took him to the hospital but I couldn't pay a doctor. I waited for hours while my little boy got weaker and weaker in my arms. I was suffering as much as he was. I saw how he struggled for every breath and I would do everything to ease his suffering but I was powerless. _

_After hours a doctor finally examined my baby but the diagnosis was devastating. He had a lung infection and would probably not make it through the night. I broke down right then. I had nothing else in this life. Only him, my son, my Carl. I had run away from my husband to protect him from a cruel life full of violence and now I realised that I had failed at that also. I had failed at protecting my son. I had no chance to help him. I couldn't pay a doctor or medicine. The doctor told me that even if I had money there would be no way to save my baby but I felt so useless, knowing I could do nothing. I couldn't even try to save him. What kind of mother was I? _

_The doctor took pity on me and took me to a room where I could stay overnight. I held my son in my arms these last hours, telling him stories of my childhood, sang to him, tried to ease his suffering with my love for him. I even told him about the man he was named after. The angel I met when I was sixteen, who I spent the best days of my life with. I didn't know why I chose this name for my son, perhaps because I wished to have something to keep my memories alive or because I wanted to name my son after the best person I had ever met so I could tell him about the doctor and create an idol for him, or perhaps because I secretly wished that this doctor was the father of my boy. _

_With every minute that passed the breaths of my little Carl became more laboured. His breath was ragged and it pierced my heart to hear him suffer. I shed countless tears while I held him and cooed to him, trying to calm him down. It was over before the first rays of sunlight could be seen over the horizon. _

_I held my little one for hours, rocking his dead body in my arms while my body shook with sobs and tears streamed down my face. I cradled him against my body until the nurses came and took him from my arms. I didn't let go easy but the doctor finally managed to get hold of my boy's body. The nurse stayed to comfort me but I wasn't feeling pain anymore. I felt nothing. I was numb. Empty. My only reason for living – gone. I had failed at everything in life. I disappointed my parents as a child, I was a horrible wife and now my child died… I wasn't even capable of being a mother…_

_A nurse was accompanying me home. The doctor was worried and didn't want me to be alone. I didn't object. Nothing mattered anymore. I was just an empty sheath. My soul had died right along with my little boy. After arriving in my shabby one-room apartment I simply sat down on the bed and stared at the wall, but I didn't see anything. Not really. I didn't even notice how and when the nurse left. I didn't feel anything. I was dead, mentally at least. _

_Outside the day slowly changed into night and a decision formed in my head. I was alone now, I had no money, nothing to live for… My life was not worth living. I stood up and left the apartment, not even bothering to put on a coat. I wouldn't need it. Not where I was going… _

_I stumbled through the city without seeing anything. Once or twice I bumped into someone, but I didn't look up, I didn't apologise, I just kept going._

_After a while I came to the outskirts of the city and followed a stony path up the hills. The wind ripped at my dress and I was probably freezing, the sharp stones stabbed into my feet, but I didn't feel any of it. _

_I arrived at the top of the cliffs. Underneath me were razor sharp rocks against which the waves crashed. The sun was just setting in the west. Everything was bathed in a red light. It was perfect. The end of the day would also be the end of her suffering. I stepped closer to the edge, looking down. About 50 feet below me the waves flooded a narrow beach before they crashed against sharp rocks. I stood on the very edge of the cliff and took a shuddering breath. The sun was casting a red light over everything. For one last time I pictured two faces before my eyes – the tiny face of my son and the face of my angel, Carlisle; then I stepped into thin air… _

_**Carlisle's POV**_

_I was arriving for another shift at the hospital and went to the front desk to ask where I should work tonight. "Good evening, Mrs Morel , I just wondered where I should work tonight…" he said smiling. The elder nurse smiled at him. "Ah, yes Dr Cullen, I fear you have to work in the morgue tonight again…" I gave her a polite smile, after it wasn't her fault I had to work down there. "Well, at least it wouldn't be too stressful there." I sighed lowly and went down into the morgue. I would have preferred a busy night in the emergency room instead of sitting in the morgue all night. It was calm down there and would give me much time to dwell on my thoughts. _

_I did that often lately. I changed Edward three years ago and he was living with me since then. I had grown to love him like a son and we were both grateful for the company. I really enjoyed my life with Edward. He had adjusted to my life style very well and we were having a good relationship. It was great having someone to talk to and share experiences, but I still felt that there was something missing. At first Edward had been the companion I craved for so long and I was happy to not be alone any more. But I still wanted more._

_I sat down behind the desk and sighed. My mind drifted away. I couldn't place this loneliness. I wasn't lonely, I had Edward, but I wanted a different kind of companion. I yearned for more than simple conversations, but I didn't really know for what… I just knew I felt lonely, terrible lonely. There was a part in my heart that Edward simply couldn't reach. _

_I hated the morgue. It was so silent here and it smelled like death. I knew that the people down here where much closer to me than the living and breathing humans a few floors upstairs. But I felt terrible among the dead. And the loneliness was much more present here. I sighed again and let my mind drift back 10 years._

_I was working in Ashland at that time. One night I was called to treat a broken leg. This leg belonged to the most charming person I had ever met. Esme. She was 16 but acted really mature. I was intrigued by her. She was beautiful, charming, intelligent, humorous and so loving… I spent every minute I could with her and was getting far more attached than I should… _

_I had often wondered what had become of her. She would be 26 now, probably married. I wondered if she had become a teacher. I imagined her in primary school in front of a class of curious children. How she would teach them to write their names or draw with them. I smiled at the image. I could see it clearly in my head. Her caramel curls framing her face when she bent over her pupil's work to check it, her smile. I wondered if she had kids… A little girl perhaps, a perfect copy of her beautiful self, with little caramel curls running around in a garden, climbing trees… or a boy… for some odd reason I could only picture a boy with blond hair who ran around a house and explored everything… But still, the image made me smile. I knew Esme would be a wonderful mother… _

_The sound of a stretcher being wheeled down the corridor ripped me out of my thoughts. I stood up. The smell of blood, lots of blood, hung into the air. I heard some doctors talking. _She's not going to make it… No use of trying… _I was disgusted by their talk. How could they give up on a life so easy? As doctors we have taken an oath to fight for every life. As I opened the door to the hallway I was hit by an intoxicating scent like a wrecking ball. I stumbled backwards. My knees were suddenly weak. I knew this scent. I would never forget it. Esme. Fear hit me so hard that I felt as if bile may be rising in my throat. I swallowed. _

"_Ah, Dr Cullen, we got someone for you... dead… jumped off a cliff…suicide…" One of my colleagues said as if it doesn't matter. A sudden wave of anger came over me. I wanted to rip the head of this doctor off who refused to fight for her life. I could hear her heart beating. It was weak but it was beating. Hope filled me. Her heart was still beating. She was still alive…_

_I clenched my jaw and tried to get a hold on myself. "Dr Lewis, I take it from here." I said in an icy voice and nearly shoved him away from Esme's body on the stretcher. He backed away, shooting me frightened and confused glances. I ignored him and dismissed him rather impolite, but I only had one thing on my mind – Esme. _

_Every fibre in my body was focussed on her weakening heart beat as I wheeled her inside the morgue. I closed the door behind me and ran back to Esme. Very slowly I lifted the thin sheet that covered her from her face. "Oh Esme…" I whispered hoarsely as I saw her. She was even more beautiful as when I last saw her. She had grown into a stunning woman, even now with her body mangled and bloodstained she was breathtaking. _

_I slowly bent down to take a closer look at her. Her auburn hair was wet and caked with blood, she had a large gash over her right temple and probably also broken her jaw. I continued my examination, endlessly careful pressing on her body. She had multiple fractured ribs, her arms and legs were broken, her spine also, her whole body was covered in bruises… I knew she was beyond anything medicine could fix and this realisation was making my whole body ache in a terrible way. I gasped several times before I was able to regain my composure. My thoughts were running a mile a second. I was almost petrified with all the emotions running through my body. _

_After a few seconds of deep breathing I knew what to do. I could never let Esme die. I couldn't survive without her. Very slowly and gently as not to hurt her more I lifted her up from the stretcher and put the thin cotton sheet around her. With one last glance at everything I left the morgue through a window. _

_I landed outside and looked around. No one was to be seen. Finally it seemed I had a stroke of luck. I started to run. As fast as I had never run before, praying that I wouldn't be too late, willing her heart to continue beating… _

_**Esme's POV**_

_The wind rushed past me. I didn't know what that meant. Was I still falling? I felt the pain coming back. I couldn't pinpoint it. My whole body seemed broken. Every single bone. I could not breathe, it hurt so much. I must have broken my ribs… I felt something cold against my skin. It felt good. It was numbing the pain… I wanted to open my eyes but I couldn't… I could not move any part of my body. Suddenly my position was changed and the pain flamed up again, I yelped, then everything went black… _

_**Carlisle's POV**_

_I had to adjust Esme's position in my arms shortly before we arrived at the small house on the outskirts of town. She shortly woke up from her unconsciousness and yelped. This tiny sound broke my heart even more. "Shh… I'm sorry…" I soothed her. _

_**Edward's POV **_

_Sounds outside startled me. I stopped playing on my piano and listened. Carlisle was running towards the house very fast. I recognized his thoughts but I couldn't pick enough to tell me what was going on. He was terribly confused and troubled. All I could see in his mind were images changing so quick I was hardly able to tell what I was seeing. There was the hospital… a young doctor Carlisle didn't like… blood… much blood… a broken body… it was a woman… and some images I knew - a young girl with a pretty heart-shaped face and caramel coloured hair, she had a broken leg… and thousands and thousands of questions plus some phrases which repeated themselves in his mind: _She's not going to make it… No use of trying… jumped off a cliff… suicide… _I tried to block Carlisle's thoughts as they were driving me mad, but only a moment later he bust through the door, holding a body in his arms. _

_The smell hit me at full force and it took me everything to stop breathing and not attack Carlisle right then. He simply rushed past me, not even acknowledging me. I waited a moment upstairs until I followed him curious. _

_**Carlisle's POV**_

_I rushed inside and headed upstairs into the guestroom. I gently placed Esme on the soft bed. Her heart was still beating but it got weaker every second. _

_I bent over her, gently brushing the hair from her face. She was beautiful, even now. I took in a shaky breath. My hands brushed along her cheeks, smiling as I remembered how we had laughed together. Very carefully I shoved her collar down a bit – in that moment Edward burst through the door. _

"_This is her!" he stated simply, shocked. "Yes…" I whispered. I knew Edward had seen my memories of Esme often in my head. He had most likely seen more than I wanted him to, but I couldn't help it. "She will die." He said with a quick glance at her injuries. "I know… but… I could save her…" I whispered. _

"_Carlisle! She jumped! She wanted to die! You can't damn her to this existence!" Edward yelled into my face. I looked at him. _But I can't let her … _I couldn't even think the word. Edward watched me for a long moment before he retreated into the hall and closed the door behind him. _

_I stared after him before a stutter in Esme's heartbeat brought me back to the decision I had to make. Edward was right. She wanted to die… I leaned over her and stroked her face. "Esme…" I whispered hoarsely. "My beautiful Esme…" Suddenly she stirred and her eyes fluttered open. "Esme… can you hear me?" I asked in a breathless whisper. _

_**Esme's POV**_

_I heard a clear voice talking to me. The voice of my angel. I would recognize him everywhere. I heard him calling my name. With all my willpower and my last strength I forced my eyes open. I couldn't see clearly, my eyes were always losing focus but he knew now I was awake. "Esme… can you hear me?" he asked, sounding breathless. I wanted to say something, reassure him, at least nod but I could not. With huge effort I blinked. "Esme… I… why did you do this to you?" he asked sounding more like crying with every word. "Esme, my Esme… if there was a way, to save you… would you… want…" I struggled to fight the blackness that was creeping back into my mind but I had no strength left. I saw the sad and worried eyes of my angel one last time before I fell into darkness again…_

_**Carlisle's POV **_

_I whimpered as I saw how Esme lost consciousness again. I knew that she wouldn't wake up again. My breath was short and ragged. I didn't want to make this decision alone. I couldn't. I could never forgive me if she hated me for cursing her into this existence, but I could also not forgive if I let her die… _

_She could not die. I would not survive it. I bent over her and shoved her collar down, revealing her slender neck. I hoped that the tiny flicker of recognition I thought I saw in her eyes would be enough… "Esme… I'm sorry…" I whispered and bent down. I pressed a kiss onto her neck before my razor sharp teeth sliced her skin. _

_Her sweet blood came in contact with my tongue and I sunk my teeth deeper into her flesh. I had done that before but Edward's blood was nothing compared to what I tasted now. I wanted to drink it… all of it… my thirst raged inside me, letting me forget who I was for a short moment. _

_I with__drew from Esme, my whole body shaking… I drew in a shaky breath hoping to get control over myself again but again her scent flooded my senses. I sank my teeth into her neck again, harder this time. My hand held her face steady, held her so I could reach her neck better…_

_Suddenly Esme stirred underneath me, a scream full of pain came out of her mouth. This brought me back to reality. I withdrew from her, staring down at what I had done. Shame overwhelmed me and I lowered my head as a sob escaped my lips. "I'm sorry… I'm sorry Esme…" I whispered over and over again. _

_**Esme's POV **_

_Something sliced my neck and lifted the blackness a tiny bit. A huge pain, centred in my neck, shot out through my whole body. Suddenly, just as I thought it was slowly decreasing I felt it again, more powerful. I tried to get away from it but my head was in a death grip. A scream left my mouth and suddenly the pain was gone. I hear a low voice but didn't understand the words. They sounded sad, though. A warmth was spreading through my neck through my whole body, getting hotter and hotter until it felt like fire was pumping through my veins. The pain I felt before that was nothing to how I felt now. This was excruciating. I screamed again before I passed out from the pain… _

_**Carlisle's POV**_

_Esme was screaming and squirming in pain before my eyes. And I could do nothing against it. In fact I caused it. I gently stroked her face. "I'm so sorry, Esme." I whispered over and over again. _

_After a few minutes of soothing later I noticed again how terrible Esme looked with tattered clothes and blood all over her body. _Edward, could you get me some water and a wash cloth, please?_ I asked in my head. A minute later he appeared in the doorway, holding a bowl with cold water and some towels. "Thank you." I said as I sat down on her bedside again. Very gently I washed the blood off her face and neck. I wanted to do more for her. Get her out of these clothes, wash the rest of her body clean from the blood but I couldn't do this… _

_I knew that I was asking too much of Edward but she couldn't stay in this clothes. "It is alright… I will do it." Edward said from the doorway. I shot him a look full of gratitude. I got up and left the room but Edward called me back as I reached the hall. "Do we have something to change her into?" he asked. I nodded and gestured to the hospital gown that lay on the floor. At least I have been thinking of taking a gown with me. Edward nodded. "Okay." _

_**Edward's POV **_

_I watched Carlisle leave as I picked up the hospital gown he had laid down next to the bed. I understood his desire to have her body cleaned but I didn't feel very comfortable doing it either. But I also knew that Carlisle could never do it. _

_I took a pair of scissors to cut the dress she'd worn from her body. Her body was too badly injured to be moved much. I didn't want her in any pain except the burning which I could do nothing against. And according to Carlisle's anxious and worried thoughts and the feelings I knew he had for this woman he would probably rip my head off if I made her cry. _

_So I gently peeled the dress away from her and washed the blood from her body. I didn't take one single breath the whole time, my throat was burning bad enough already. As I wiped the blood away I found other marks on her body. Injuries that had not been caused by her fateful jump. Scars. She had a lot of them and some looked quite nasty, like the one on her forearm. It was huge, looked like many deep cuts. What happened to her? _

_After I had cleaned her wounds as good as possible I dressed her in the gown, as carefully as I could. She whimpered a few times and begged for the fire to stop but nothing more. After I was finished I called Carlisle back. I knew he was dying to be with her. He didn't want to leave her side. _

_**Carlisle's POV **_

"_Carlisle? I'm done." I heard Edward say. I rushed into the guestroom and knelt down next to Esme's figure, __who was writhing in pain. I stroked her cheek, trying to calm her down. "Fire… it burns…" she whimpered. I bit my lip. I couldn't bear to see her in pain. "I found some scars on her body…" Edward said lowly. I looked at him. _Scars? What scars?_ I asked him silently. Edward said nothing, he simply pulled the sleeve of her right arm up to show me. I saw the scar. It reminded me of a wound I treated some time ago on a man. I replayed the image on my mind and Edward nodded. "What happened to him?" he asked. _He was hit with a bottle neck._ I replied. Edward nodded thoughtful. "I'm leaving you alone now…" he said after another minute or so. I quickly nodded at him. The smell of blood was still heavy in the air; Edward was probably suffering very much. _

_I sat down at Esme's bedside and held her hand in mine, my thumb rubbing soothing circles over the back. She whimpered and started tossing and turning on the bed. "Shhh… Esme… I'm sorry… I didn't want to hurt you… It will be over soon… I promise…" She moaned in pain and whispered something incoherently. I suffered just as much as her, seeing her lying there writhing in pain… pain I caused. "Esme… I'm so sorry…" I whispered again and bent over her to hold her. She should not move too much, it would only cause more pain. Especially with the injuries she had… _

_**Esme's POV**_

_I was burning. I was on fire. My whole body was burning from the inside. Like fire was pumping through my veins. My body hurt terribly and I couldn't move because every movement caused me further pain. I wanted to scream in pain but the only sounds that left my mouth were tiny whimpers. Suddenly I felt something cold against my skin. It held me in a tight grip so I couldn't move and hurt myself. A soft voice was whispering something, but I couldn't make out the words. But the voice was gentle and soft and this calmed me. I knew this voice from somewhere but I couldn't remember from where… _

_The fire in my veins was getting worse with every heartbeat. I started to struggle against the grip. I wanted to put the flames out. I wanted to make it stop… no matter what. "It burns… fire… put it out…" I muttered over and over again but it was no use. _

_**Carlisle's POV **_

_I held Esme on the mattress but she started to struggle against my grip. She started to mumble again. _Fire… fire… put it out…_ words like that left her mouth. I couldn't stand to see her in pain. Every whimper that left her mouth ripped a little piece of my still heart out. I searched my mind desperately for anything to ease her pain but there was nothing. "I'm sorry… I never meant to hurt you… but I couldn't let you die…" I whispered. I surely imagined it but Esme seemed a little calmer when she heard my voice. It was nonsense of course, she wouldn't even remember me, probably hate me for doing that to her… To distract myself I started to talk to her, tell her about all the things I could think of. Various, unimportant topics._

_**Edward's POV **_

_I was downstairs in the living room and played the piano to distract myself from what was going on upstairs. I knew what effect this woman had over Carlisle. I knew it probably even better than he did, or wanted to admit. What had drawn him to her since their first meeting when she was still a girl. And now it was only intensified. She was no longer half a girl. She was a full grown woman now. Beautiful even with her body mangled and broken. I knew Carlisle suffered as much as she did. Seeing her in pain was torturing him. And I knew why. I could hear him, whispering to her in his calm voice. It was good what he did. I couldn't make out many of Esme's thoughts, but she was calmer with Carlisle close to her and talking. His voice calmed her and she just felt safe. Even if she didn't know why. She couldn't think straight with the venom in her body and her injuries and the pain but Carlisle's voice and closeness triggered a feeling of safety and love inside her. And it distracted her from the burning. _

_**Esme's POV **_

_I drifted in and out of consciousness. The Burning was excruciating, tormenting my broken body. This was not the death I wanted. Death was supposed to be peaceful and easy. _

_Sometimes the pain seemed to subside a little and I could hear a voice talking to me. I couldn't understand the words but it sounded so calming and gentle that I instantly felt better. I tried to focus on the voice and not on the pain but it was hard to do and I had no strength. So I fell unconscious again… _

_The next time I woke up the voice was still there. I didn't know how much time had passed, the pain in my body hadn't changed a tiny bit. I was still burning, fire was running through my veins but I was too weak to fight it now… I just lay still, cramping now and then when it became too much to bear, whimpering, but not screaming anymore. I didn't know why, probably because I was all broken and suffering so much, but as long as I could her the quiet whispering around me I felt safe, like someone cared for me and everything would be alright. It was just a phantasm but it helped a little… _

_**Carlisle's POV**_

_As I was talking and the hours ticked by Esme stopped to scream, instead soft whimpers left her mouth. I rubbed soothing circles on her hand and told her about everything that came to my mind, hoping to distract her somehow. Her body cramped in pain and every time she moved her body, which had started to heal caused even more pain. She was suffering and it made me suffer, too. I didn't move from her side for one minute, I hardly moved at all. And I never stopped talking. _

_The hours trickled by as if someone had manipulated the clocks. Just as I thought I couldn't stand to see Esme suffer any longer her behaviour changed slowly. Her heart sped up its pace and I knew it would be over soon. _

_**Esme's POV **_

_I felt the pain subside from my fingers and toes but it got even worse in my chest. The pain seemed to centre around my heart, which beat fiercely in my chest. I started to squirm and screamed again, but I was stopped from moving by strong arms. "No… stay still… It will be over soon… I promise… just stay still, please…" the gentle voice whispered. I really tried to, but it was so hard. The pain got worse and worse. It was like my I was stabbed with a white-hot iron stick. My heart was beating so fast I never thought possible. And then, suddenly, without a warning, it stopped. _

_But I was not dead. I lay still for a moment. Now, with all the pain gone I could hear so much. The soft wind outside, the rustle of the trees, the turning of pages in a book somewhere below me, an even breathing next to me. I was afraid to move, afraid the pain would come back, afraid of what would happen if I opened my eyes…_

_Then I noticed that I didn't have to breathe. I simply didn't need the air. What happened to me? I opened my eyes and wanted to sit up and a second later stopped dead in my actions. How had I moved so fast? I looked around the room. Everything was so much more defined now, the colours brighter and I could see everything… I mean everything. The dust particles in the air, the structure of the wooden floor, every tiny detail… _

_Then I noticed a man standing across the room, next to my bed. He was tall and lean, had blonde hair, pale skin and beautiful eyes in dark butterscotch. I knew him from somewhere… "Hello Esme… please, don't be afraid…" he whispered and took a careful step towards me. Then it hit me, a fuzzy memory of a doctor I met as a child, only this seemed so far away now, in another life… "Dr-r C-Cullen… Car-lisle…" I whispered very lowly. _


	2. awakening and first hunt

_**Okay, this is the first "real" chapter of my new story, I hope you like it! **_

_**Disclaimer: All twilight characters belong to Stephenie Meyer, I only borrow them for fun! **_

_**Enjoy! And please leave me a review!  
**_

_**CHAPTER **__**1 – awakening and first hunt**_

_**A Special World**_

_A special world for you and me  
A special bond one cannot see  
It wraps us up in its cocoon  
And holds us fiercely in its womb._

_Its fingers spread like fine spun gold  
Gently nestling us to the fold  
Like silken thread it holds us fast  
Bonds like this are meant to last._

_And though at times a thread may break  
A new one forms in its wake  
To bind us closer and keep us strong  
In a special world, where we belong._

_**- Sheelagh Lennon -**_

_**Disclaimer:**__** I own nothing of this amazing poem, I only found it and thought it was beautiful and fitting… Every credit for those beautiful words of poetry go to Sheelagh Lennon… **_

_**Carlisle's POV**_

_I was listening to Esme'__s heart stop beating and went to stand by the window. I didn't want to scare her. It was over. Finally. But as the silence stretched on I became worried. Esme was not moving. And with no sound to distract me, my doubts and fears hit me full force. Would Esme hate me for damning her to an existence she couldn't have wanted? Would she want to leave me and Edward? How could I live on if Esme hated me? _

_My thoughts were interrupted as she sat up in a flash. The she stopped, obviously shocked by her own fast movements. I watched her looking around in wonder, then her eyes settled on me. __"Hello Esme… please, don't be afraid…" I said lowly and carefully stepped towards her, my hands outstretched, signalling her I meant no harm. She simply looked at me, her red eyes being unreadable for me. "Dr-r C-Cullen… Car-lisle…" she whispered after a moment and I felt a smile spread over my face. She remembered me? She really remembered my name! I couldn't describe the joy that flooded me at hearing this three words… _

"_Yes… you remember me." I said lowly, still stunned. Esme nodded. "Yes…" she whispered, then held onto her throat. "Oh, I'm sorry, your throat must be burning." I said. Esme nodded. _

_**Esme's POV **_

_As soon as I laid eyes on Dr Cullen again my mind was flooded with__ fuzzy memories. I knew him. I remembered how he fixed my broken leg when I was younger. I remembered talking to him and the time we spent together. But there were also so many questions. I wanted to know so many things. Why I wasn't dead, I couldn't have survived the injuries… what had happened to me… why he was here… why he still looked exactly like ten years ago… or even better, since I was seeing everything so much clearer now… what the burning in my throat meant… I was confused and felt almost dizzy with all these open questions, or it was because of him… I felt almost light-headed seeing him there, smiling at me… remembering me… "I… I… what happened?" I croaked out._

_Dr Cullen, Carlisle, kneeled beside the bed, but he kept his distance, as if not to frighten me. "What do you remember?" He asked gently. I sighed. Now that he asked some more fuzzy memories came to my mind, but it wasn't much. I was on a cliff, but I didn't know why. And I… "I jumped…" I whispered unbelievingly. Carlisle nodded. "You were brought into the morgue, but you weren't dead, your heart was beating, weak, so no one else could hear… I could not let you die… so… " He hesitated for a moment, as if not knowing how to say this part. "I made you one of my kind… a… vampire…" he whispered hoarsely. _

_**Edward's POV **_

_I was pacing through the living room, listening frantically for any sound from upstairs. Carlisle had wanted me to stay here though he knew that newborns are unpredictable and much stronger than older vampires. But no, Carlisle insisted I'd stay here. He was sure he could handle Esme. _

_So here I was now, listening carefully for any sound that might tell me Carlisle needed me and hoping if he needed me I was up there before Esme had managed to rip him apart. It was a stupid idea to __handle a newborn alone but I had a feeling Carlisle was not really reasonable with this woman around. And the problem was, I knew that much better than he did. _

_But until now everything went smoothly. Esme's thoughts were confused and a little scared but she remembered Carlisle and that was good. It helped her to control. Also she felt much too fond of him to think of harming him in any way. I only hoped she wouldn't do it by accident. No newborn knew his strength and therefore couldn't control it. I remembered very well how I was after I woke up in my new life… _

_Carlisle had started to answer some of Esme's questions by telling her what happened to her. She was staying calm and that was remarkable. She believed Carlisle and the more he talked the more memories of their time together in 1911 came back and Esme was able to draw conclusions. Such as why he had worked the night shifts or why his skin had been so cold… _

_**Esme's POV **_

_I sat there and listened to everything Carlisle told me. I believed him. I knew I couldn't have survived the fall from the cliff and his answer seemed me the only plausible one. I also noticed some strange changes within me. For example I didn't get uncomfortable being in the same position for a long time. My muscles weren't tiring. My voice sounded clearer, my vision was so much clearer, my hearing better; in fact all my senses seemed heightened. And there was this nagging pain in the back of my throat, making me want to ease it no matter how. _

_Carlisle had just finished explaining the most important things to me and slowly stood up. "I'm sorry, this took so long. You must be terribly thirsty…" Carlisle smiled apologetic and I was painfully reminded of the burning in my throat. It flamed up with full force. I grabbed my throat. Carlisle coughed awkwardly. "Eh… I think you need something to wear…" he said and stood up. "I fear, you have to borrow some men's clothes since we don't have any women's clothing here…" he rambled on. I had just noticed that I was wearing nothing more then a hospital nightgown and suddenly felt self-conscious. I couldn't be sure but I think I had been changed. This nightgown would surely be torn after I tried to kill myself, no? But there was something else Carlisle had said. "We?" I asked a little afraid. "Yes, my son, Edward…" he said slowly. He had a son? My still heart sank and I felt terribly lonely in that moment. A second later it knocked on the door. _

_**Edward's POV **_

_Carlisle was finally telling her about me and calling me upstairs. I knocked, not wanting to scare her. "Come in, Edward." Carlisle called. I opened the door and found Esme sitting in the bed. She looked a little afraid and had pulled the blanket up around her. "Hello Esme." I smiled at her. She smiled back. _He looks nice… but so young… he can't be over 18… _"17." I corrected her. Esme stared at me. "I'm sorry. I… eh… have a gift, sort of… I can read minds…" I explained. Esme stared at me. _You can hear my thoughts? _She mentally blushed ten shades of red. "Well Esme, this is Edward, my son, sort of…" _His son? How can they be related? Carlisle looks so young and Edward is 17… _"We aren't related by blood. Carlisle changed me and I stayed with him." I told Esme. She nodded. "Well, I think I will get you something to wear…" Carlisle mumbled and excused himself. _

_I smiled at Esme. "Well, hello. It's nice you're awake now…" I said, breaking the awkward silence. Esme was nervously fiddling with the blanket and didn't say much. She was still so confused. "So you're also a…" I nodded. "Yes, I am also a vampire. Carlisle changed me 3 years ago… I have been with him since." Esme nodded. A moment later Carlisle returned, carrying some clothes. "Eh… I found you a shirt and some pants to wear… we will leave you to change…" he mumbled and placed the clothes on the bedside. I noticed how nervous Carlisle was and how he almost fled from the room._

_**Esme's POV**_

_I was still very confused as Carlisle and Edward left but I also felt the burning in my throat so much stronger with every minute. I carefully sat up, concentrating very hard on moving not too fast __and not destroying anything by accident. As I put the clothes on a thought came to my mind. Someone must have changed my clothes. I surely wasn't wearing this spotless white gown when I fell from the cliff… I felt like blushing terribly but there was no blood running through my veins so nothing showed on my face. But the feeling remained. I felt extremely self-conscious in that moment. _

_Very carefully and slowly I changed in the clothes Carlisle had brought me. They smelled of him and I found myself inhaling his scent deeply. Burying my face in the soft cotton of his shirt. His smell was even better now, with my senses enhanced. I loved it. _

_I took several long deep breaths before I finally realised what I was doing and stopped, again ashamed of myself. _

_**Carlisle's POV **_

_I was waiting downstairs for Esme to get changed so I could take her out to hunt. I felt terrible for babbling about vampires so long. I had just forgotten how terrible the thirst as a newborn was. I should have only explained some basics and then took her to hunt immediately. _

"_Should I come with you?" Edward asked, stopping my trail of thoughts. _No, I think it's not necessary… we will be alright…_ I thought but smiled gratefully at Edward. "Okay, I just stay here then until you return." He answered and sat down on the couch with a book in his hands. _

_A moment later I heard Esme coming down the stairs and looked up. She had her eyes cast downward and was concentrating hard on not walking too fast. I smiled. She looked adorable, even better since she was wearing my clothes… I somehow liked her in my clothes. They were too big but it looked good on her. _

_As Esme reached the bottom of the stairs I gently smiled at her. "Are you ready to go?" I asked her. Esme nodded, looking a little unsure of herself. "Don't worry, you will be alright… I show you everything, okay?" I said, smiling lightly. Esme nodded shyly. "I held out my hand. "Come on, let's go." I said. Esme hesitantly took my hand and I felt a spark run through my body as our skin touched. I felt a happy grin spread across my face and led her outside, never letting go of her hand. _

_**Esme's POV **_

_As I held Carlisle's hand I noticed for the first time that his skin didn't seem cold to me anymore. Then I remembered. My body was also cold now, just like his. But still, I felt a little warmth spread from where our hands were entwined. _

_Carlisle led me to the edge of the forest and let go of my hand. I instantly felt colder inside. "Okay, let's run a bit… There is plenty of game a little north from here…" he explained. I nodded but felt unsure again. I was never a good runner. "Eh… can't we walk?" I asked lowly. Carlisle turned towards me. "Don't be afraid… You will like it… it is natural to us…" he said slowly then held out his hand to me again. "Come, I'll show you." I took his hand again and he led me into the forest. _

_Carlisle started to walk a little faster and then ran. I followed him and suddenly realised that this felt good. I ran faster, I wanted to stretch my legs. Soon I overtook Carlisle. I let go of his hand and enjoyed the freedom I was feeling. Trees flew past me in a blur, I jumped over rocks and fallen trees and felt like flying. I let out a happy laugh. _

_**Carlisle's POV **_

_I tried to keep up with Esme but it was futile. She was much faster then me with her newborn strength, but there was nothing around us for miles. I decided to let her stretch her legs a bit and just ran behind her. Esme let out a laugh and it sounded like bells chiming. I smiled. She was now really fast and we would soon come into our hunting area, so I decided to stop her. "Esme!" I called and she turned. "Stop!" I told her, smiling widely. She stopped, though I could see she would have liked to go on for a while. Testing her strength I guess. _

_I ran up to her and stopped. She smiled widely at me and my still heart fluttered in my chest. It was good to see her happy again. "Sorry, I couldn't keep up… you are too fast for me… and we are close to the hunting spot…" Esme nodded and bit her lip. I could tell she was feeling a little self-conscious again. "Don't be afraid… It is all instinct for us… just concentrate on what you feel and hear…" I told her. "Close your eyes…" _

_**Esme's POV **_

_I closed my eyes as Carlisle asked and concentrated on my surroundings. __I took a deep breath and my nose was filled with his scent as he stood so close to me. Something spicy, a hint of vanillin and cinnamon, but also fresh cotton and I don't know… But it was intoxicating. "What do you smell?" I heard Carlisle ask behind me. _You._ I thought, but didn't say it. Instead I forced my thoughts away from him towards the forest. I heard a steady thumping somewhere to my left. Like a sticky liquid was pumped through veins… My throat flamed up. A heartbeat. I smelled something that reminded me of earth and ferns… "That's a deer." Carlisle whispered. "Only a few miles from here." He told me. I nodded. The burning in my throat was almost unbearable by now and all I wanted was easing it by sinking my teeth in the neck of that deer. I listened harder and could hear more hearts pumping blood through warm bodies. _

_Carlisle must have noticed that my thirst became unbearable because he stepped behind me and smiled. "Go ahead… I'm right behind you." With these words I ran towards the herd of deer. _

_As soon as the animals caught her scent they fled in all directions, but I was faster. Only a second later, as I was about to take a large buck down, I saw something come after me from the corner of my eye and jumped at it. I shoved it away from my prey and snarled loudly, then I launched myself on the buck and sunk my teeth through its fur. _

_**Carlisle's POV **_

_I followed right behind Esme and set my eyes on a smaller deer. I followed it through the forest and just as I was about to take it, something pushed me to the side into a large old tree. After a second I realised it was Esme. She snarled at me before she sunk her teeth into the buck. My back hurt pretty bad as I slammed against the tree. I shook my head and looked at Esme sucking the deer dry. __I realised then I had made a mistake. I had been too close to Esme and she was defending her territory. Her instincts were much too young to be controlled by her. Just because I could run right next to Edward when we hunted didn't mean she would allow me the same. She was a newborn. I had to remember that. _

_I got back on my feet and brushed the dirt of my clothes. Just then I saw Esme looking at me. She was biting her lip and not meeting my gaze. _

_**Esme's POV**_

_I finished the buck off and dropped the carcass to the ground. Then I turned around to look for Carlisle. I found him with his back against a tree. He was just getting up, brushing leaves and dirt from his clothes. Oh no! I hit him! The embarrassment and shock washed over me and I looked to the ground. I had hit him! Maybe even hurt him! I was so sorry! I bit my lip and looked to the ground, ashamed of myself. _

"_Esme…" Carlisle said softly. "I'm sorry… I'm… I never meant to hurt you! I…" Carlisle interrupted me. "Shh… it's okay. I should have known better. I was coming too close to you… we are very territorial, mostly when we hunt… It was my fault, really." He said lowly. I couldn't believe it. He was really thinking it was his fault! But I hit him! "No… I hit you… I pushed you away! Did I hurt you?" I asked, looking him over. Carlisle smiled. "It is okay… I am alright. How are you? Still thirsty?" I shook my head. Every thought of thirst was gone for the moment. I was worried for him right now. "Esme… don't lie to me. I am alright, really, perfectly fine… but you must be thirsty… Edward took down three mountain lions on his first hunt…" I smiled weakly at him. "A little maybe…" I admitted. Carlisle smiled. "Okay, what about we look for a little deer or mountain lion then?" He asked. I nodded, still a little embarrassed. _

_Carlisle gave me a small smile before he followed the trail the running deer had left in a northern direction. I ran behind him. Being careful not to let myself get overtaken by instinct again. I still felt bad for causing Carlisle pain. And I knew he hurt, I saw the look on his face just before he hid it. _

_We found the herd of deer just a few miles north again and while Carlisle was also able to quench his thirst I followed the trail of a mountain lion and took it down. Unfortunately I had not been very good at taking it down without getting my clothes ruined and the shirt Carlisle had given to me was now almost in shreds. I was staring down at the torn clothing and wanted the ground to open up and swallow me. I couldn't go home like that! _

"_Here, take my coat." I hadn't realised Carlisle was behind me, so I was a little startled as he placed his coat over my shoulders. I was sure if I could I would have blushed the deepest red. "Thank you…" I mumbled. "No problem. Most newborns are messy eaters…" he replied and smiled. Then he offered me his hand again and I took it happily. "Should we go home?" I nodded. _

_We ran back to the house and arrived there within minutes. It was strange, we had run so many miles and still got back in a few minutes. _

_Carlisle opened the door for me and led me inside. I felt timid. I couldn't remember my past, except for the cliffs, but I had the feeling I had never been treated like that. _

_**Liked it? Didn't? Leave me a review, they really make my day! :)**_


	3. finding the past

30

**_Okay, here's teh second chapter for my new story... I really hope you like it... Enjoy!_**

_**CHAPTER **__**2 – finding the past**_

_**Carlisle's POV **_

_I led Esme back inside the house. I knew we had to get her some clothes of her own. Maybe Edward could __try to get some of her personal things, if I could find out her address. I would try to get it. Surely Esme would like to have some of her own things, some reminders of her past. Maybe these things would even trigger the memories of her past. _

_Edward was sitting in the living room as we entered. He slightly relaxed as he saw that everything went alright. _There were no problems, Edward…_ I thought silently and smiled at how well Esme had coped with everything so far. _

"_Hey, had a good hunt?" Edward asked lightly. Esme looked at him, not sure what to answer. I stepped next to her to help her out. "Yes, I think we found some nice deer." I answered. Esme smiled shyly. "It all went smoothly." I said, not thinking about the little incident. Esme lowered her head next to me. I gently touched her shoulder. "It was nothing, don't feel guilty." I told her gently. Esme nodded. "Do you want to take a shower? Or a bath? I will show you everything and lend you some more clothes, okay?" I suggested. Esme looked up at me. "Yes, I would like that… Thank you." She smiled shyly. _

_**Esme's POV **_

_Carlisle showed me the way to the bathroom and handed me some towels and more of his clothes since I didn't have any of my own. I thanked him again and then closed the door behind me. _

_The bathroom was huge and I instantly felt out of place in there. Somehow I knew unconsciously that I wasn't used to something like that, but more simple things. But I couldn't deny that I found it beautiful and liked the little bit of luxury. I really enjoyed the white walls and the clean surfaces. _

_I carefully took my clothes off and then stepped in front of the huge mirror. I gasped. My body looked different. My skin was of course pale, like Carlisle's and Edward's but also flawless. I held up my arm and checked it for a scar I just knew had been there, but it was gone. There were no flaws on my body. It was still slender but with womanly curves. And my hair was thicker, no longer thin and brittle. It looked so soft now, like silk and it was shining in that soft caramel colour I always had loved. But what shocked me were my eyes. The shone in a bright crimson and looked really frightening, showing what I had become. Or what monster I could be, but would never allow myself to become, because of Carlisle. I couldn't disappoint him… But still, the crimson of my eyes was disturbing and I looked away from my reflection. Carlisle had explained about my eye colour before, that it would change to gold in a few months but I still didn't like it that way. _

_I turned away from the mirror and let steaming hot water fill the tub to my right. I wanted to relax now and calm down a bit, since my emotions were still running high from all the things I learned today. _

_Slowly I let myself sank in the water, applied some flavoured bath oil and closed my eyes. _

_**Carlisle's POV **_

_I had showed Esme the way to the bathroom and gave her some towels and clothes so she could clean herself after the hunt. After that I went back down to Edward. I sat down in the armchair opposite him and looked at him. "Do you have her address?" Edward asked me, responding to my thoughts. "No, but it can't be difficult to find out. I will get some information at the hospital tonight and maybe you can go tomorrow then… I think it would be nice if she had some of her own things." Edward nodded. "Yes, probably." He agreed. "You know, I could also go on my own, now… it is late already and until I have found out where she lived it will be dark. I could get some of her things and then come back here. So she wouldn't be alone too long…" he said. _Yes, maybe. You are right; it is not a good idea to leave her alone so much just yet… yes, go now… I have to go back to the hospital today… I can't stay away without arousing suspicions any longer…_ Edward stood up and nodded at me. "I'll be back as soon as I can." He promised and went to get his coat. _

_**Edward's POV**_

_I made my way into town, carefully listening to the thoughts of every person I met. __I ran towards the outskirts of town, to the district nearest to the cliffs. I thought it would be most logical to start searching for hints of Esme's former life there, since she jumped from the cliffs. _

_My way led me up to the cliffs. I was far from a tracker and it has been three days since Esme's fateful jump but I still hoped to find a hint where to go. I made my way up, checking the ground for any signs, like footsteps but found nothing. The ground was stony and dry. There was nothing to be found so I went back from the cliffs into town. It was almost dark now and only few people were still outside. I listened to the thoughts of every person I met, searching their minds for any clues. _

_Finally, when I was about to go back to Carlisle and Esme I heard something. I had gotten into a very poor district of town. There were old, shabby houses, the roads were dark and probably dangerous for humans. I was walking by a little shop when I heard two old women talking. _

"… yes, the young miss… wonder what happened to her…" "Yes, I haven't seen her for almost 4 days now…"

_I stopped and hid in the shadows in a dark alley. The woman left the store after a while of more gossiping. I was now almost sure she had known Esme. I caught glimpses of a woman in her head, but the woman was __always wearing hats or scarves around her head so she couldn't be recognised easily. I couldn't get a clear image of her face and so I couldn't be sure it was Esme. _

_I followed the woman to a shabby little house with several small apartments for rent in it. After the woman had entered I waited some more time until I could be sure no one was still awake. _

_**Carlisle's POV**_

_I had made myself comfortable in the living room and started to read while Esme was freshen herself up upstairs. Edward was only gone for twenty minutes but I already wanted him to come back. I really hoped he would find out something about Esme's past and get some of her belongings as reminders and I also hoped he would get some of her own clothes. I mean, I liked seeing her wearing my clothes for some reason but I was sure she would rather wear her own things._

_I heard Esme getting out of the bath and suddenly felt embarrassed. I shouldn't listen to her. So I concentrated of something else than the sounds coming from the bathroom until I heard the door creak open and footsteps on the stairs. _

_I turned around and saw Esme coming down the stairs. She smiled shyly at me. "Feeling better now?" I asked. She nodded. "Thank you, for everything." She mumbled and sat down in an armchair opposite me. _

"_Where is Edward?" she asked after a moment. I smiled. "He is in the city, trying to find some information about you and get you some of your belongings." I replied, smiling. "I… I could have gone by myself! He didn't need to bother!" she said and I shook my head. "No, you couldn't have. Remember what I told you about your thirst?" Esme nodded, bowing her head, ashamed, even if I didn't knew why. "It will be uncontrollable for at least a year." She mumbled. "Yes, and besides, you also don't remember much of your past… you would be just as lost as me, Edward has an advantage with his gift." She nodded. "Yes, you're right… sorry I was so stupid…" "You were not stupid… You care and that is not stupid…" I told her, flashing a smile in her direction. Esme smiled back at me. "Thanks…" she whispered. _

_We sat in silence for a few minutes before Esme spoke again. "Can I ask you something?" she said. I looked up and smiled. She had asked the exact same question ten years ago. "Everything you want. Go on." I replied, using the same words as back then. Esme bit her lip and smiled a little. "You said that before…" she observed. I was stunned. I didn't think she would remember. "You remember?" I asked surprised. "Yes, I remember the time in the hospital where I met you… but not much else… it's strange…" she answered. I nodded. "How old are you?" she asked. I smiled. "You wanted to ask that for a long time, didn't you?" Esme bit her lip. "I thought you weren't telling me the truth back then… but I felt like you had a reason for lying…" "I was born around 1640, actually… so I have been alive for a long time… I was changed when I was 23…" I said. Esme looked at me in awe. "1640?" she repeated unbelievingly. "But I thought you were around 23 or 24…" she said smiling. I smiled. "You were the only one who got close to me… especially as a human… I had no friends… I couldn't get attached to anyone, it was too dangerous… I was terribly lonely…" I admitted. Esme smiled sympathetically and touched my hand gently. I flinched accidentally. I wasn't used to physical contact and Esme's touch sent a tingling sensation through my body. "I was born around 1640 in London… I don't know the exact date, things like that weren't documented very well back then…" I started to tell my story to Esme. She was looking at me, listening intently. _

_**Edward's POV **_

_After I was sure there was no one awake in the house I entered it. The inside was just as shabby as the outside. It was dirty. I went up the stairs and on the first floor I caught a scent that seemed to be Esme's – sweet lavender, wild flowers and honey. The scent was weak and older than three days. I followed it through the hallway until I stopped in front of a door to a little apartment. I grabbed the handle and pushed. The lock broke after a moment and I stepped inside. Inside the scent was stronger. __It was definitely Esme's. I looked around the room. It was small. There was a bed in the corner, it was not made, the sheets were wrinkled. Next to it was a small dresser which surely held Esme's clothes. There was a little window on the opposite wall and under it – a crib! I swallowed hard. Esme had a baby? Oh no! I took some steps towards the crib and peered inside. It was empty, but I had known that before. A soft blue blanket was lying inside it. I picked it up and saw the name embroidered in a corner. - Carl - . A gasp left my mouth. It didn't take a genius to figure this one out. Esme had had a son, and he had been named after Carlisle, most likely. I felt a deep sadness inside me, I was so indescribably sorry for Esme. I didn't yet know what happened to her son so I looked around for more details. On the table in the corner lay a piece of paper. I picked it up and read. It was a death certificate. _Carl Platt born: 7th January 1921 died: 12th January 1921. _So her baby was dead, and he only lived 5 days. I placed the paper back on the table and shook my head. I was suddenly unsure if I should be the one to deliver these news to Esme… But she had a right to know about her past. About everything. _

_Suddenly another thought hit me. Who was the father of Esme's baby? Esme's husband? And where was he? Had she had a family? Had Carlisle maybe taken her from her husband? But, Esme had attempted suicide… She wouldn't have done that with a loving husband caring for her, would she? And, I also could not detect the scent of a man in the whole room. I was almost completely sure that, except for me, no man had been in this room for a very long time… It confused me, but after all it was not my task to solve the mysteries of Esme's past… _

_With one deep breath I started to pack some of Esme's belongings into a small box I found. I took most of her clothes, the baby blanket and then I found two books of Shakespeare which I also packed into the box. Somehow these books were falling out of the ordinary. Esme had not much personal things in her room. Only a few clothes, things for her baby, the most essential things for living, nothing really private… no reminders of her family, no books except the two by Shakespeare, no jewellery, nothing… it was odd. Esme seemed to have lived a poor life. Her clothes were mostly worn and not of fine cloth and the room spoke for itself. _

_After I had packed everything and glanced at the shabby, tiny room one last time I jumped out of the small window and ran towards home. _

_**Esme's POV **_

_I had been listening to Carlisle's story of how he had been bitten and then travelled through Europe until he came to the US. His story was fascinating and I didn't notice the time pass. After a while Carlisle smiled sadly at me. "I think I have to stop now… I need to go to the hospital. I have stayed here the past three days faking an illness but I can't do that anymore…" he said. I looked at him quizzically. Why would he have faked being ill? "Why did you stay home?" I asked him. Carlisle looked up at me. "I didn't want to leave your side… I wanted to stay with you during your change, even if I couldn't be of much help…" he said, smiling shyly. "You stayed because of me?" I asked stunned. Carlisle nodded. "I couldn't leave you alone…" he mumbled. I stared at him. Why would he do something like this? If he couldn't help me either way? I mean, why would he stay with me? _

_Then suddenly I remembered something. "That voice… it was you?" I said, stunned. Carlisle nodded. I smiled. "It… helped…" I told him. "A little at least… I focused on your voice, instead of the pain… I don't remember anything, but the sound of it calmed me…" A tiny smile tugged at the corners of Carlisle's mouth. _

"_Well, I'm sorry but I have to go now… I'm sure Edward will be home shortly, you won't be alone too long." He said and finally got up to go upstairs. I remained in the living room, trying to decide what to do now. _

_A few moments later Carlisle came back down the stairs, wearing a crisp white shirt, a tie and dress pants, his coat was slung over his arm. "Okay, I have to go now. I'll be back in the morning. If you are bored feel free to use whatever you want, there are also some more books in my study, the first room upstairs on the left. Only don't go out, please, your thirst won't be controllable by you since you are so young and if you encountered the scent of a human it could end badly." He said. I understood what he meant and nodded, not wanting to think about it to too closely. I shyly smiled up at Carlisle, thankful for him caring so much about me. "Thank you, I may borrow a book from you, then." I mumbled. Carlisle smiled. "Do as you please, I have all pieces of Shakespeare up there, I think…" he winked at me and I lowered my head, waiting for the blush that would never come. _

_**Carlisle's POV**_

_I smiled as Esme lowered her head in embarrassment. She was so adorable. "Okay, I see you later! Goodbye." I said to Esme and she looked up at me. "Goodbye, have fun at work." I smiled. "Thank you. I'm sure Edward will be home soon." I told her. Esme nodded. "It's okay, I think I'm going to look over your books…" she mumbled. I smiled one last time at her__ and then went into the garage to my car._

_As I drove away I was thinking of Esme. I really hoped Edward would be home soon, not only to keep an eye on her but mostly to keep her company. I didn't want her to feel lonely or bored. She should feel safe and comfortable in my house. I already considered her part of my family. And I wanted her to feel this way. _

_As I arrived at the hospital I was approached by the chief of the hospital. "Ah, Dr Cullen. It's good to see you're healthy again." "Prof. Thalen, good evening." "Yes, I just wanted to check over some things with you, Dr Cullen, there seem to be some problems with a patients file, a Jane Doe who was brought to the morgue on your last night before you fell ill." I had anticipated something like this and was therefore prepared and I was also really good at lying after centuries of practice. Lies were necessary in this life, if I liked it or not. "Ah yes, I remember, suicide I think…" "Yes, right, the body is missing but there is no track of its whereabouts, no report in the file that it was taking to the crematorium…" I tried to act as if I couldn't remember clearly and pinched the bridge of my nose. "I am sorry, maybe I forgot to write it down… I can't remember very well…" I said, still acting like I couldn't remember. "It is alright, Dr Cullen, You were probably feeling sick already, I just have to clear this up. She was probably taken to the crematoryalready, she is a Jane Doe, no family, so… I just need you to sign that you received the body that evening and the file is closed." Prof Thalen said, smiling politely. I nodded. "Yes, of course." I said and took the file to sign it. Before I did I quickly scanned the pages for more information on Esme, but there wasn't much. She had attempted suicide, so much I knew already, and there was not much more known. _

_I signed the file and gave it back to Prof Thalen, smiling apologetically. "I am sorry you had trouble with the file because of me." I said. "It is alright, Dr Cullen, we all make mistakes and you weren't feeling well that night." Prof Thalen gave me a quick nod before finally walking down the corridor. _

_I went into my office to change into my lab coat and then start my shift for tonight. _

_**Edward's POV **_

_I arrived about an hour after Carlisle's shift at the hospital had begun, so he had already left. I still was not sure how to do this now. I didn't want to bring back sad memories of her past. I glanced in the box and saw a glimpse of the blue baby blanket. My cold heart sank. __But she had a right to know, and these things belonged to her, she would like to have them, even if they triggered bad memories… _

_I went to the front door and entered the house slowly. I didn't want to scare Esme and was therefore making a little noise and moving slower than usual, and I also wanted to delay this moment as long as possible. _

_Esme sat on the couch, her knees drawn up to her chest, reading a book. "Hello…" I said smiling carefully. Esme smiled back at me. "Where were you?" she asked. "I found you're former home… and could get most of your things…" I explained hesitantly. Maybe I should have waited until Carlisle got back. I didn't know how Esme would react, but it surely wouldn't be good. I placed the box down on the table. "Well, most of it is clothes, but…" I trailed off as Esme reached inside the box grabbing the two books from on top. _

_**Esme's POV **_

_I grabbed the two worn books which lay on top of the box and stared at them. A fuzzy memory came to my mind. __I remembered how I had gotten these books. They were Carlisle's. He had given them to me when I was bored in the hospital and told me to keep them. I smiled widely. I took one of the books and opened the last page. There it was. The quotation, written in Carlisle's neat handwriting. I remembered that._

"There are many things in life that will catch your eye. But only a few will catch your heart..." B. Crenshaw

_I __smiled and thought again of the little tings I remembered from the hospital stay ten years ago. Finally I laid the book aside and looked at the other items in the box. I wasn't interested in the clothes, but the other items and the memories they might trigger. _

_I carefully laid some more clothes aside and then stared in the box. There was a little black book. It had nothing written on it. But there was something else that had caught my eye. There was a blue blanket lying on the bottom of the box. I didn't know why but there was suddenly a big lump in my throat and my breathing had stopped, though I didn't need to breathe. __I knew that blanket. Memories flooded my mind and tears which would never fall stung in my eyes. I remembered how I bought that soft blanket and embroidered the corner myself – for my baby. My son. I buried my face in the blanket and tried to muffle the sobs that escaped me. "Carly…" I sobbed and shook with dry sobs and unshed tears. Images of my little, perfect son sleeping peacefully in his crib, furrowing his little face when he was crying, sucking on my breast, sucking his thumb while sleeping… the memories were too painful to think about but on the other hand I didn't want these memories to faint. I had to treasure them. "Carly…" I cried again, curling up in a small ball on the couch. Suddenly I felt Edward touch my shoulder, but I flinched away. I couldn't stabd company right now. _

_I jumped up from the couch, took the blanket and the little black book from the box and ran upstairs to lock myself in my room. There I fell down on the bed again, curled up in a ball and dry sobbed in the blanket. Everything was now coming back to me. I knew why I had jumped. I remembered the pain I felt when I heard the doctor's diagnosis. Carl's lung infection, how he fought for every ragged breath, how my heart broke in tiny pieces when I heard him suffer… My whole body shook with my sobs and the pain seemed even worse than before. I clutched the blanket close to my chest as I sobbed. My chest felt like it was ripped open and my unbeating heart was bleeding… I didn't want to live… I didn't want to suffer anymore… I wanted to never feel pain again… _

_**Edward's POV **_

_I sat in the living room, listening helplessly to Esme suffering upstairs. I wanted to comfort her so badly but every time I got up to her room her thought were screaming at me to leave her alone. I felt bad, after all, I was the one who brought her the box with her belongings and triggered her memory. I caused her pain, even if I didn't intend to… __but still it was my fault. No. It was Carlisle's. He damned Esme to this life, though he knew she had attempted suicide. He was selfish in wanting to have her for his own! _

_**Carlisle's POV **_

_My shift dragged on and on without anything else than the nurses ogling me. It was a calm night, which I usually liked, as it meant no one was hurt, but tonight I would have appreciated something to keep me busy._

_I was thinking about Edward and Esme, hoping everything was alright at home. I knew Edward could handle Esme, I trusted him and had no doubt they were alright, but I was still anxious. _

_Around 2 am I finally got something to do. A Mr Porter was brought to the hospital with chest pains and breathing difficulties. I suspected a heart attack and immediately started running tests on the elderly man. His wife was with him and sick with worry, so I had to calm her down also. After about one and a half hour Mr Porter was finally stabilized. I had given him a blood thinner and set up a bypass operation in the next days but I was sure that after the operation Mr Porter could easily live another ten years with his wife. _

_I was just wanting to put his file away as I the name on another patients file caught my attention. _- Platt -_ . I knew that Esme's surname was Platt and this got me curious. Had she been a patient in this hospital? My curious side got the better of me and I took the file and opened it. _

_I immediately saw that it was not about Esme. It was about a _Carl Platt_ and I was just about to close the file, since I didn't spy on patients, when I saw the date of birth: 7__th__ January 1921 and right next to it the date of death, only five days later. I checked the file for more information and read the report one of my colleagues had written down. The infant had been brought in by his mother, Esme Platt – my Esme! The baby had difficulties breathing and was also running a fever. Dr Dawson had diagnosed a severe lung infection which the little body could not fight. The baby boy died in the hospital a few hours later. At the bottom of the page I found a note by Dr Dawson where he said that the baby and his mother had not been given any medication since the mother could not pay for it and that he had brought the dead infant's body to the morgue. The mother had been sent home with a nurse to keep an eye on her. _

_I sighed and put the file away again. Esme had had a son. This news hit me like a wrecking ball. She had been a mother. But her son died. Most likely that was why she attempted suicide… I felt compassion for Esme overwhelm me. Obviously her life hadn't been as happy as I wished it for her to be when I left Columbus 10 years ago. I just wanted to go home and take Esme in my arms. What had happened to her in these 10 years? She had a baby, was she married? Is she still married maybe? My heart sunk at that thought. Maybe she had a loving husband somewhere, someone I had taken her from… Thousands of questions ran through my head. Did Esme miss her husband? Her family? Did she reject me for changing her? _

_I had to stop this. I had to concentrate on my work and ask Esme when I get home. I hoped, no prayed that Esme would not hate… I couldn't stand causing her pain… _

_Just then another thought came to my mind. Esme's son. It said in the file that he was taken to the morgue, but there was no evidence that his body had been taken to the crematory… Maybe he was still in the morgue… The chance was thin, but I had to check it. Walking as fast as I could without arousing suspicions I went to the morgue. _

_I entered the morgue and looked around the hall. No one was to be seen. I quickly and silently entered and started looking for Esme's son. It didn't take me long to find him. I remembered perfectly well where the body had been taken according to Dr Dawson. I swallowed hard and then pulled the sheet away. The body was tiny, but perfect. The little face resembled Esme's. He had her heart-shaped face and her nose and the little hair on his head were the same colour as Esme's. I sighed lowly. _

_After I had visited the morgue I wrote a simple note that said the body of Esme's baby boy shouldn't be taken to the crematory, he would have a proper funeral. _

_After that my shift dragged on. My thoughts were swirling with Esme and her dead baby. I felt an unexplainable grief and sadness at the death of Esme's child, wanting with every fibre in my being I could have done something to save him. I thought about Esme, how she must have suffered, how she must have felt. I think I had found the reason she attempted suicide. I was asking myself if she knew already. Surely Edward would have found out about her son. How she was right now. I wanted to run home, hold her, soothe her, tell her how sorry I was. I wondered if she was angry at me, maybe resenting me for changing her, for being damned into this existence… These thoughts brought me a nagging pain in my insides. I regretted changing Esme, regretted taking her chance to decide away, especially after I knew she had in fact _decided_ to die… but on the other side the thought of losing her, of not having her with me, was killing me. She meant too much to me. I really cared about her, I wanted her to be happy… _

_My thoughts were too confused and too many questions were running through my head though I knew I couldn't find an answer to them. I needed to get home and ask Esme. I needed to be with her, to soothe her, to help her deal with everything. In fact, I should have never let her alone… It wasn't important if rumours started about Edward and me. We could move. We had done before. But comforting Esme, being there for her, helping her into this life, these were things I could only do once… _

_Finally my shift was over. I did a last quick check up on Mr Porter and then changed my lab coat for my coat and left the hospital. Outside I quickly stepped into my car and drove home. I was anxious to get home. Anxious about what I might find. Was Esme mad? Was she hating me? Was she just grieving, without thinking about me? Well, I would find out soon enough. I was almost home now. _

_**Edward's POV **_

_Esme was still upstairs. She locked herself in her room and I had given up trying to talk to her. She wasn't doing anything else than sobbing. Her grief, though only displayed in her thoughts, was crushing me__. I was angry at Carlisle for letting her suffer this much. I was angry at myself for being the one to remind her by bringing the things from her flat. I was angry at whoever let her alone when she was pregnant. But my anger for Carlisle was the biggest. He was the one responsible. He brought her into this existence. He couldn't let her die though she wanted it. He was selfish, playing god… _

**_Okay, tell me what you think... If I get enough reviews the next chapter will be uploaded on Tuesday... xD_**


	4. I'm here

****_**I am sorry I couldn't post this yesterday as promised but I had trouble with my laptop! I hope you forgive me! ;) here's the new chapter for you! enjoy!!! **_

_**CHAPTER 3 – I'm here **_

_**Carlisle's POV **_

_I drove towards the small house on the outskirts of town and parked in the garage. I had hardly turned the key in the ignition when Edward stormed into the garage, obviously angry. "You knew!" he spat at me. I slowly got out of the car and looked at him. I was confused. _Knew what?_ I asked in my mind. Edward growled lowly. "The baby! Esme's son!" I swallowed. So he had found out about the baby, just like me and that meant Esme also knew… _How is she? Is Esme…_ Edward snarled. "How do you think she is? She found out her son died days ago!" I lowered my gaze, feeling stupid for asking this and also sad. "How could you damn her to this life, when you knew?" Edward asked again, his voice full of hatred. "I didn't know." I defended myself. "I found out this night, during my shift. Do you think I would have sent you getting her things if I had known?" I asked bluntly. Edward took a deep breath and after some moments nodded. "Right, sorry… I think, I'm going hunting…" he said before her squeezed past me out the garage door. _

_I stood there in the garage, frozen. Then something reached my ears. Soft sounds, sounds that hurt me like no weapon could. Soft whimpers and sobs. __Esme! I quickly threw my coat and my bag on a chair in the kitchen and rushed upstairs to her room. _

_I knocked carefully on the door. "Esme?" I asked lowly. No response. "Esme, please, let me in… I… please… let me talk to you… let me… I don't know, just… let me in…" I begged, standing in front of her door. There was no response, only shaking breaths and sobs coming from inside the room. To hear Esme in so much pain and not being able to do anything was tearing my heart apart. I grabbed the handle hard and tried to calm myself, thinking of something to say to comfort Esme while I longed to hold her in my arms and never let go. _

_Suddenly a cracking sound echoed through the house – the lock had broken in my grip. _

_**Esme's POV **_

_I heard a loud cracking coming from the door and a moment lat__er the door swung open. Suddenly a memory shot through my mind. It was dark, there was someone else… Someone big and bulky, someone who frightened me. A terrible fear was nagging inside me. I instantly crawled in the far corner and tried to curl up in a small ball to shield myself though I didn't know why I did it. It was like an instinct. Alerts were going off in my head, telling me not to move, don't look up and do nothing provocative. I was sure, if my heart could, it would be beating furiously out of fear. _

_**Carlisle's POV**_

_I slowly pushed the door open and instantly saw how Esme crawled in the furthest corner away from me. Her whole body was tensed and it was easy to see she was afraid. __I moved slowly and held my palms outstretched to her. "Esme, it's me, I won't hurt you…" I told her gently. She remained in the far corner of the bed but slowly looked up at me through her lashes. "It's alright…" I soothed her again. After a few moments Esme finally relaxed a little bit. "I'm sorry I scared you." I told her, not moving closer to her though I desperately wanted to. Esme only nodded and clutched the blanket tightly to her body. "I am deeply sorry for what happened to your son, I didn't know that…" I said lowly, sitting down on the wooden floor. Esme looked up. "You knew?" she croaked out and sobbed again. "I found out tonight, at the hospital, by accident…" I explained. Esme broke down in sobs and curled up in a ball on the bed. I looked at her and longed to take her in my arms and comfort her, but I didn't want to scare her. Still, I moved closer to her and wanted to touch her shoulder, but Esme flinched away. I watched in agony how her body shook in tearless sobs. I wished I could do or say something, but I didn't know what. I felt helpless, not knowing how to handle such a situation. "Esme…" I spoke softly. She buried her head in the pillow but actually spoke. "He was so tiny… so perfect…" Her voice was hoarse and interrupted by sobs the whole time. My heart was overflowing with grief and sorrow. "He was my angel… I loved him so much… when he got sick… I felt like I failed… at everything…" she whispered broken. "No…" I said. "No, Esme, you never failed… especially not your son… you loved him… you cared for him… he was very sick… it wasn't your fault…" I said. Esme looked up at me through her eyelashes, her eyes, though scarlet like every newborn's, looked extremely sad and pained. "Could you have saved him?" she asked. I sighed and shook my head, not looking at her. "No… I can't change small kids, it is against the rules… and his pneumonia was too bad… his body couldn't fight the infection…" Esme sobbed again. "See? I couldn't even care for my own son! I let him get a lung infection! I should have kept him warmer, in a better flat… I didn't even had money to pay for a doctor… or medicine…" I reached out to place my hand next to Esme's, offering the only form of comfort I could without scaring her it seemed. At first she flinched away, trying to avoid my contact, but then she realised I wasn't going to do more than placing my hand beside her. I wondered what got her so scared… Newborns were easily too scare but this wasn't normal newborn behaviour… Esme was much too afraid… _

_Very slowly Esme reached for my hand and grabbed it. A jolt of electricity ran through my body as our skins touched. We both flinched away. My breathing hitched, but I put my hand back next to Esme's hand. It hadn't been a bad feeling, more like warming my body up from the inside. _

_Esme took my hand again and this time she held on to it. The current was again running through my body, it left a tingling sensation inside me. Esme's body still shook with sobs and unshed tears but she was calmer, I thought. "It wasn't your fault, Esme. Never think that… You did everything you could… it is not your fault, please don't blame yourself." I whispered. She stayed silent. _

"_I did. Maybe you're right and his illness wasn't my fault, but because of me he never got a funeral… he got hastily buried in some burrow… no name, no one to remember him." I shook my head and started to rub circles on the back of Esme's hand with my thumb. "No. He wasn't buried… His body is still in the morgue… I arranged for it to remain there, when I found out today. He will get a proper funeral, I promise you that…" I said lowly. Esme nodded. "Thank you…" she said, looking into my eyes. I gently squeezed her hand. _

_The room was silent except for Esme's sobs now and then, but she had calmed down a lot. I really hoped my touch was helping her. My thumb was still rubbing circles over the back of her hand. Suddenly Esme spoke again. "Carl… Carly… I named him after you…" she whispered. I looked up. My throat was suddenly dry and I was sure my heart was almost starting to beat again. She had named her son after me? My mind was going a mile a minute, trying to figure out what to say… I had never felt like that before. I was deeply touched by Esme's words. She had remembered me all those years… she named her son after me… "Thank you…" I whispered hoarsely. _

_**Esme's POV**_

_I smiled lightly as I heard Carlisle mumble a "thank you." I could tell he was moved, hearing I thought of him when I named my son. _

_The silenced outstretched but it wasn't uncomfortable. My sobs slowly subsided. Carlisle was still rubbing circles on the back of my hand and I felt myself calming down. After a while Carlisle finally spoke again. "Do you want to go hunting?" he asked me. I shook my head. Hunting was the last thing on my mind right now, though the thought of it made my throat burn. But I simply couldn't hunt right now. _

"_Well, maybe you would like a complete tour of the house, I'm sure Edward hadn't showed you…" Carlisle suggested after a minute of thinking. I couldn't help but smile a little. He was so sweet, trying to cheer me up and get my mind on other things. "He hasn't…" I answered, though he didn't really have a chance to, I added in my head. _

_Carlisle gave me a small smile and offered me his hands. "Come on, then." He said. I slowly sat up and placed the baby blanket on the bed. Somehow I felt like a piece of me was missing when I didn't hold it any longer. I sighed lowly. Carlisle gave my hand a comforting squeeze and I smiled lightly. He was so caring. _

_I stood up and followed Carlisle out of my room. We stood in the hallway on the second floor and Carlisle led me towards a room on the left side but before we reached it I saw something on the opposite wall. A huge, very old wooden cross was hanging there. Its dark wood was a sharp contrast to the white wall. I stopped amazed. I hadn't expected this. And I wondered how it hadn't caught my eye before. I stared at it, trying to figure out what a cross like that did in this house. "Where…" I tried to ask, but Carlisle interrupted me. "It belonged to my father, he carved it himself. It hung in the church." I looked at Carlisle. "It is magnificent." I said. Carlisle nodded. "Thanks, it's the only thing I still have…" he mumbled. He probably hadn't meant for me to hear that. I suddenly felt sad for him. At least I still had some reminders of my past. Some personal things. He hadn't. "I'm sorry…" I whispered. Carlisle looked at me, his eyes shining with affection. _

"_Come on now, I'll show you my study." He said and opened the door on the other side of the hallway. "After you…" Carlisle said smiling. I lowered my head and stepped into his study. Carlisle was a real gentleman and I somehow felt intimidated by it. Like I wasn't used to it. _

_Carlisle's study looked like you imagined a library or the office of a professor. The walls were lined with bookshelves that held everything from medical textbooks to novels and books about other various topics like history, architecture, languages to just name a few. In the middle was a huge wooden desk on which various papers were spread out. I smiled. The desk looked a little messy. Carlisle had stepped behind me and watched me with a smile on his face. I turned around. The wall that wasn't covered by bookshelves held various paintings that seemed to be chosen randomly without an order. They were all from different artists, in different styles and there seemed to be no other connection visible. At least not to me. _

"_That's a Solimena!" I exclaimed astonished and stepped towards the large oil painting. Carlisle chuckled lightly. "It is. You are interested in arts?" he asked lowly. I turned around. "Yes. I used to draw a lot…" I told him as some more memories flashed before my eyes. _

_I saw myself reading in the candlelight in my room while everyone else was asleep… I sneaked into the library of my father and took his books away… I was drawing in the backyard… _

"_I remember… You were always surprising me… interested in art, reading Shakespeare…" he said softly. "Where did you get that from?" I asked Carlisle, again examining the Solimena. It looked like a scene from Greek mythology or something. __There were four figures standing on a balcony. I looked a little closer at them and suddenly gasped. "That's you!" I said stunned and turned again to Carlisle. He smiled. "Yes, it is from my time in Italy. These pictures show my life…" he said slowly. "Solimena liked to use Aro, Caius and Marcus as models. He drew them like gods and this is the picture Aro gave to me when I left…" I told her. Esme smiled. "It is beautiful, really." _

_Esme turned away from the paintings and looked at the books in the shelves. "You have quite the collection…" she said, looking at me. "You are free to borrow any book you want." I told her. Esme nodded. "Thank you." She whispered as her slender fingers traced the spines of my books. _

"_Shall I show you the other rooms?" I asked her after a few minutes. "You can come back later to look for something to read…" Esme nodded. "Yes." she said. "Where does this door lead to?" she said and pointed to the door on the fight side of my room. "Well, that's my room. Come on…" I opened the door and Esme shyly went into my room. _

_**Esme's POV **_

_I entered Carlisle's room a little shy, feeling uncomfortable to intrude his privacy, but he didn't mind obviously. The room was not as big as the study, but more comfortable. The walls were a creamy white and the furniture was dark which made a nice contrast. There was a comfortable looking couch but no bed. "No bed?" I asked. Carlisle shook his head. "As I told you, we don't sleep, so I don't need a bed." He replied. I nodded. "Why is there a bed in my room then?" I asked. Carlisle grinned a little sheepishly. "Well, your room was our guest bedroom and the bed is part of the charade…" he explained. I nodded. After a few moments we again left Carlisle's room and he opened the door for me to go into the hall. "Over there, that's Edward's room…" I told Esme and pointed towards the left. Esme nodded. "Well, I think we won't go into Edward's room. I'm sure he will show you himself and it is also quite messy in there…" I said. Esme grinned. "Eh, yes, you already know the bathroom… so should we go downstairs?" Carlisle asked me. I nodded and followed him downstairs back into the living room. _

_On the couch the remnants of my hasty flight to my room were still visible. My clothes still lay on the couch, the box with my other things next to them, the two books of Shakespeare on top of it all. _

_**Carlisle's POV **_

_I looked towards the couch where Esme's things lay and spotted to old and battered copies of Shakespeare that looked quite familiar. I stepped closer and took one of the books. "You still have them…" I said astonished. I'd never thought I'd see these books again. I gave them to Esme as a present when I released her from the hospital. To know she treasured them all those years made me smile and feeling an unfamiliar tugging at my heart. "Yes… I liked to read them whenever I could…" __she said. I nodded happily. _

_An awkward silence outstretched between me and Esme. I didn't know what to say to her, so I just looked to the ground, occasionally glancing at her. After a few moments Esme finally spoke. "Eh… I better get these things into my room…" she said and started picking up the box. "No, let me…" I quickly said and reached for her hand. Esme flinched and backed away from me, looking terribly frightened… _

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	5. gaining trust

_**First of all I am very sorry it took me so long to update, but I was very busy and just couldn't get in front of my laptop long enough to write... so, my apologies for that, I hope you enjoy this chapter now!**_

_**Thanks to all the reviews I got last time, they really make my days!**_

_**Enjoy!  
**_

_**CHAPTER 4 – **__**gaining trust**_

_**Esme's POV **_

_I was picking up the box with my things when I saw a hand moving towards my wrist from the corner of my eye. _

"Are you trying to poison me you stupid whore?" A cruel voice shouted into my face. I felt shivers running through my body and instantly shielded my body with my arms. Just a moment later the blow came and hot soup splashed on my body. The force of the punch swept me off my feet and I fell. My head hit against a cupboard's corner and I whimpered. Just a second later a kick in my stomach followed. I curled up in a small ball and cried, pleaded to stop but more kicks followed. My body was aching now and tears streamed down my face. "That will teach you to pay more attention… you bitch!" the voice sneered at me and pulled me up by my hair. I screamed and struggled but the grip on my hair was only tightening. I was dragged away through a dark hallway. The fear inside my body was overwhelming. The only thing I knew was that wherever I was dragged it would only be worse than the hits and kicks… I needed to get away… But I also knew I couldn't… Suddenly I was pushed inside a room and hit the bedpost hard. I fell to the floor and again begged and pleaded but it was of no use. I was roughly pulled up and thrown onto the bed. The only thing I remembered then was the foul breath on my face and the smell of alcohol in the air and the pain… endless pain… my whole body was hurting… I gave up struggling… I just closed my eyes and simply begged for this torture to end…

_**Carlisle's POV **_

_I watched completely shocked and confused how Esme backed away from me and curled up on the floor. She was shielding her stomach and head with her arms and shivering badly. Again sobs were raking her body. I didn't know what happened? I could tell Esme was frightened to death but why? This was one of the moments I desperately wished I had Edward's ability. If he were here at least… _

_I felt so helpless… _

_Esme's body shook in pure terror while she mumbled things like: "Noo… please, please… I won't do it again… please… __don't hurt me… just leave me alone…" _

_I stood in the middle of the living room and watched how Esme lay broken on the floor, dry sobbing and shivering. My still heart was bleeding for her. "Esme…" I gently whispered and crouched down. " Shhh… Esme… no one is hurting you… shh…." I tried to soothe her, without coming close to her since the closeness was obviously what was frightening her. "I won't hurt you… never…" I whispered again, feeling helpless like never before. I wanted so badly to ease her suffering it nearly caused me physical pain. _

_**Esme's POV **_

_I slowly opened my eyes, still shivering as the memories slowly subsided. I was badly shaken and flinched again as I saw a man sitting close to me. The man instantly ba__cked down and held up his hands. I realized it was Carlisle. "Esme… Shhh… please calm down… no one will hurt you…" he said soothingly. My body was shaking with terror but I tried to focus on Carlisle, whose eyes shone with warmth and trust. I desperately wanted to believe he wouldn't hurt me, but I couldn't. "Esme… calm down… you're safe… I'm here, I'll protect you…" Carlisle again crouched down in front of me and held out his hand but I couldn't bring myself to accept the comfort he was offering. I was still too afraid. "No… please Carlisle… I can't… I'm sorry…" I said in a shaky voice. Without waiting for a reaction from Carlisle I jumped up and again fled into my room. I just couldn't trust anyone right now. I curled up on the bed and closed my eyes, trying to get these horrid pictures out of my head. I was still shaking with fear… _

_**Carlisle's POV **_

_I watched how Esme jumped to her feet and ran away to hide in her room. I considered going after her but I wasn't sure if she would want me near her. I had the feeling my presence was only frightening her more. But I still got up and went to her room. I needed to know she was alright. _

_I gently knocked on the door. "Esme?" I whispered calmly. "Can I come in?" A muffled sob was my only response. I waited another few seconds before I gently opened the door. Esme was curled up in a ball, looking at him with a haunted expression in her eyes. "Please…" she pleaded. "I can't… I need to be alone… I'm sorry…" Her voice was sounding so frightened and broken and I retreated with what I hoped was a comforting smile. _

_I went into my study where I hoped to find some distraction but I only thought of Esme. I felt worthless and helpless. Esme was afraid of me… I didn't know what happened to her but it must have been something terrible. I wanted to help her, to comfort her and make her see that she wasn't in danger… that I would never let anything or anyone hurting her… _

_I paced through my study, tortured by the muffled sobs coming from Esme's room. If possible I would most likely have a headache by now from thinking so hard of a way to help Esme. I sighed exasperated. "Hey, what happened while I was gone?" I looked up. I hadn't even noticed Edward coming back. "I… I don't know… I was talking to Esme… comforting her…" I replayed the last hours in my head to show Edward what happened since he had been gone. From the moment I broke into Esme's room to her running back there only shortly ago. Edward nodded after a while. "I don't know… I can't see what was going on in Esme's head at that time… I only know that she is still frightened…" he said lowly. I nodded. _

_**Edward's POV **_

_I left Carlisle and went into my room to try something. Maybe I had an idea to help Esme a little. I sat down at my piano and started playing a soft slow song. I hoped the music would calm both Esme and Carlisle down a little. _

_After a while Esme's sobs stopped and her thoughts got much more relaxed. I had tried to find out what was causing Esme such terror but her thoughts were too fast and too messed up for me to understand anything. I only knew that she was frightened to death by someone in her past and that she has been hurt but nothing I could be sure of. I had only seen fragments of her thoughts. _

_**Carlisle's POV **_

_I sat in my office, my head in my hands. Esme had calmed down by Edward playing Piano. I sighed. Why was he able to calm her and I couldn't think of anything? I wanted so badly to help her but she wouldn't let me. I stood up. I was going crazy in here. I needed to get out. _

_I quickly grabbed my coat and the keys to the Ford I owned and a minute later I was driving into town. I didn't know what I wanted there until I parked the car and walked into the city centre. I had just come here to think and calm myself down but now I had an idea. _

_I was walking past the stores, thinking about Esme. It was obvious her life hadn't turned out like I wished for her, but maybe I could at least make it better now. I wanted for Esme to be happy. _

_I was so engrossed in my thoughts that I didn't even notice the elderly woman until I bumped right into her. "Oh, I'm sorry, I wasn't paying attention…" I apologised. "Are you hurt?" The woman shook her head. "No, no dear, don't worry… I am alright." The old lady replied and smiled at me. I weakly smiled back. But the incident had caused me to look up. I spotted a book store across the street and decided to maybe look for something interesting in there. _

_The bookstore was well stocked for my taste. I was just shuffling through the different books when something caught my eye. It was a huge book titled "Art and Architecture in Italy". I instantly thought of Esme. Maybe she would like this. I quickly paid for the book and left the store. I had an idea. After I left the bookstore I went to the stationery shop to get some paper and pencils. After I paid for that I went back on the streets. Edward had brought some of Esme's clothes from her flat but as I had seen they were mostly old and worn. She needed more clothes, and maybe other things of her own… The guest room was only furnished with the most necessary things and looked not very homely. Compared to my room or Edward's it really was sporadic. But I wanted Esme to feel safe and at home with me… so… _

_**Esme's POV **_

_I was still lying on my bed but feeling a little better when I heard a soft knock on my door. "Yes?" I shyly asked. Only a moment later Carlisle peered inside. "Can I come in?" he asked lowly. I sat up and nodded. Carlisle stepped inside my room carrying a bag__ and the box with my things. He sat down in the chair opposite me, after putting the box down, moving slowly as not to frighten me. "I want to apologise…" he started but I interrupted him. "No, I must apologise… I am sorry for what happened…" I said quickly. Carlisle softly shook his head. "You have no reason to apologise… you did nothing wrong… I am sorry, I frightened you… I didn't mean it…" Carlisle whispered. I nodded. I didn't know how to explain what happened so I stayed quiet._

"_I… I brought something for you…" Carlisle whispered after a while, nervously fidgeting with the bag. "I thought you might want to… eh… choose some things for your room… furniture and whatever else you like… and I also brought some catalogues from the tailor's shop. You can choose the clothes you like and write down what you want and need and I will get it, okay?" _

_While Carlisle talked I had examined the catalogues he had brought. I was really overwhelmed by such a gift. This was way too much. "No, Carlisle… I can't take this… it is too much… you can't spend so much money on me…" I protested. "Esme…" Carlisle soothed me. "Money is not an issue. I want you to feel at home here… please, look through the catalogues, tell me what you want and I get it for you…" I bit my lip and hesitated but after one look into Carlisle's eyes I nodded. He smiled shyly and took something else out of the bag. "Eh… I brought something else… I thought you might like this…" Carlisle said sheepishly and handed me a thick book. I took it from him and looked at the title: "Art and Architecture in Italy" it said. _

"_You, you didn't have to do this…" I mumbled shyly and pushed the book back to Carlisle. "But I want to…" he protested and handed it back to me. "Please Esme, I want to give you something… see it as a welcome present if you like…" he said with a soft smile. I bit my lip and took the book back. It really looked interesting. Carlisle had picked the right book. _

_**Carlisle's POV **_

"_Well, I leave you alone now…" I said and stood up. Esme was looking at the book in her lap, smiling softly to herself. I was __happy she seemed to like the book. Before I left the room I heard Esme calling my name again: "Carlisle?" I turned, smiling at her. "Thank you…" she mumbled and fidgeted nervously with the bed sheets. "My pleasure…" I replied and softly closed the door behind me. _

_I went into my study and started to read a medical journal about some new research that arrived about a week ago. I hadn't had time to read it until now… _

_**Esme's POV **_

_After Carlisle had left I tried to decide what to do first. The book looked very interesting and I knew that I could easily spend hours or days reading it, but the catalogues were surely also nice. And though I didn't like Carlisle spending money on me I would like to look for some clothes and maybe furniture for my room. _

_I started flipping through the different magazines and awed at the fine and elegant clothes. They all looked beautiful. Seeing my old clothes which I found in the box it was clear I never owned such fine clothes. I modestly wrote down a few things I would like Carlisle to get me and then put the catalogues aside. He shouldn't even buy me these few things; he shouldn't spend money on me… _

_I stood up and decided to unpack the things in the box and put the clothes into the closet in my room but then realised that I was still wearing the clothes Carlisle lend me and changed into some of my own clothes first. __I picked a pale blue dress that ended just above my knees and looked really pretty. It was also the best dress I found. After I had changed I folded Carlisle's clothes neatly and picked them p to return them to Carlisle. _

_**Carlisle's POV **_

_I had just stopped reading the journal, realising most of the conclusions my colleague had drawn were based on speculations as it knocked on my door. "Come in…" I said softly and saw a second later how Esme stepped inside the room. _

"_You look beautiful…" I blurted out without thinking as soon as I saw her and just after that felt like a complete fool. What was wrong with me? I hadn't even wanted to say this, at least not as out of the blue as I did. I must have sounded stupid… Esme was fidgeting nervously with the hem of her dress and looking up at me shyly. "Really?" she asked. I nodded, swallowing hard. "Really.." I whispered. She was wearing a pale blue dress now. Honestly, it looked gorgeous on her. It complemented her pale skin and caramel curls and hugged her curves nicely. I swallowed again, trying to keep my eyes on her face. Esme was truly beautiful. Her body was perfect. Slender but womanly – I could hardly find words to describe it. I was confused. I never felt this attraction towards someone else before, I didn't know these feelings… _

"_Eh… I just wanted to bring your clothes back…" Esme mumbled. I slowly stepped towards her and took the clothes. "Thanks…" I said, smiling softly at her. Esme shyly smiled back. "have you found something you like?" I asked her quickly, not wanting to let her go just yet. Esme looked to the ground and nervously shuffled her feet. As I had learned a clear sign of shyness. "A few things." She mumbled. "Esme… you can have anything you like, money is not an issue and I want you to feel comfortable here… so please don't hesitate to tell me what you would like to have…" I said. "Maybe… we could look at some things together?" I asked her, hoping she'd say yes. Esme didn't respond, she just looked to the ground and nervously played with her dress. Panic washed over me. I had gone too far. I had scared her._

_After a few minutes Esme looked up again. "Yes…I would like that…" she whispered lowly. I couldn't believe it. I was sure I heard her wrong. Had Esme just said yes? I stared at her for a short moment until I remembered my manners. "Sorry… eh… should we go back to your room? To look at the catalogues?" I asked her slowly. Esme nodded slowly. "Yes…" she mumbled. _

_Esme sat down on the bed in her room and I sat next to her but kept a distance. I had learned by now that being too close to others made Esme anxious. The catalogues I brought were lying behind her on the bed. I reached behind her to take one about furniture and opened it. _

_**Esme's POV**_

_Carlisle and I were looking through the catalogue, discussing different pieces of furniture. I wasn't afraid of him anymore. I still felt uncomfortable but he was very careful, moving slow and not coming too close to me. __He was pointing at another set of furniture. The wood was a beautiful honey colour and I instantly fell in love with it, but then I saw the price! No! This was far too much! The closet alone would cost more than some of the complete sets! Carlisle smiled. "This is beautiful and it would fit in great, don't you think?" he asked me. I avoided his gaze and shook my head. Carlisle tilted his head to the side and I felt him looking at me curiously. "You like this, don't you? I saw the look on your face…" he said lowly. I shook my head. "No… the other things are also great…" I quickly flipped back some pages and showed him a picture of a furniture set in dark wood. I hadn't liked this too much, but at least it didn't cost a fortune. Carlisle gave me an unbelieving look. "Esme… you can have whatever you like best… money is not an issue and I don't want you to think about it, okay?" Esme nodded shyly. Carlisle grinned. "Okay, and now we order that honey coloured set…" he said, flashing me a smile I simply couldn't resist. It literally made her go weak in the knees. It was impossible to protest so I just nodded. Carlisle grinned. "Okay… so now that that's settled, would you want to go hunting again?" _

_My throat was already burning again, but I didn't want to appear weak. Carlisle surely didn't need to hunt twice a day. "How… how often do you normally hunt?" I asked. "Well, for me once in two or three weeks is enough, two weeks is better… working thirsty is not very nice…" he replied sheepishly. "I am not this thirsty…" I said. I didn't want to hunt again if he only went every two weeks. "Esme…" Carlisle reasoned. "You are a newborn, your thirst is much worse than ours. It will get better when you're getting older, but for now you need to hunt frequently, okay?" I nodded. "Okay then… Can we go hunting again?" I asked him. My throat was really burning again. Carlisle smiled. "Of course, let's go." He got up but turned to me again. "Eh… do you need something? Clothes I mean… Hunting will probably ruin the dress and I also think a dress isn't very practical for hunting… I never wore one, but… well, it doesn't look too sturdy…" he stammered, ducking his head in embarrassment. I had to stop a giggle from escaping my lips. Seeing Carlisle so unsure of himself was… cute… somehow. _

"_Yes, Thank you… Eh… can I borrow some more clothes… I know I just gave them back to you, but…" Oh god, I was stammering just like him! Carlisle smiled. "Yes, of course… It is not a problem, I get them for you… okay?" I nodded. "Thanks…" I replied. _

_After Carlisle got me the clothes I quickly changed and headed downstairs. Carlisle was already waiting. He was talking to Edward, who sat on the couch._

_**Carlisle's POV**_

_I went into my room and got the clothes for Esme. After that I went back to her room to give them to her and then headed downstairs to wait till Esme was changed. Edward was sitting on the couch, reading a book. "We are going hunting, do you want to come with us?" I asked him. Edward shook his head. "No, I am alright. I didn't hunt when I left earlier but I am fine for a while longer, I go on my own, later!" he said. I nodded. "Okay…" Carlisle agreed._

_After a few minutes Esme came down the stairs. I smiled at her. She shyly smiled back at me. "You're ready? Let's go then!" I said and opened the back door for her. Esme flitted past me but stopped in the garden, waiting for me. _

_We ran through the woods, deeper into the forest than the first time. It took us quite a while before finding a track to go after. But we were lucky when we did, it was a bear. Esme stopped and turned to me. "What is this?" she asked, swallowing the venom I was sure pooled in her mouth. "A bear." I replied. Esme nodded. "It smells even better than the mountain lion." She admitted. I grinned. "Don't let Edward hear that!" I joked. "Mountain lion is his favourite." Esme grinned and then looked towards the direction where the scent came from. I smiled. "Go ahead. I'm right behind you." I told her smiling. I didn't have to say that twice. Esme immediately took off. I was following her, keeping my distance. I didn't want to be shoved in a tree again…_

_**Esme's POV**_

_I followed the trail of the bear and its mouth-watering smell. My throat was in flames by now. I was much thirstier than I had admitted to Carlisle and quite glad we were hunting again. When my prey came into view I was afraid for a tiny second. The bear was huge. But my thirst was pushing such thoughts away. I was much more dangerous than that bear. I ran towards the bear from behind and lunged for its neck. The bear was surprised and started to fight against me but I quickly dodged its attacks. I got my second chance after a few moments and again leaped for the bear's throat. This time I was successful, snapping its neck and sinking my teeth into the jugular. _

_**Carlisle's POV **_

_I was standing next to a tree watching how Esme took the bear down. She was moving extremely graceful, like a feline. I just couldn't take my eyes off her. I felt like spying on her but I couldn't look away. Her movements were so fluid and natural. _

_After Esme was finished she stayed in front of the dead bear for a while, just looking at the carcass. I went over to her. She had got me a little worried. "Are you alright?" I asked gently. Esme nodded. "Just… surprised, I guess… I hadn't realized how large it was…" she whispered. I nodded, understanding that Esme was still a little surprised and probably overwhelmed by her own strength. _

_We stood there for a while longer, both deep in thought. Esme was probably still thinking about her recent kill while I tried to figure out the best way to ask her something that gnawed painfully in my stomach. But somehow I didn't have the guts to approach that subject. I wasn't sure if I wanted to hear the answer… _

"_Shall we go home?" I asked after a few moments. Esme nodded. "Yes, let's go back." She replied. I smiled at her and we jogged through the forest, back towards home. _

_While we ran I often shot glances at Esme. I was still pondering the question over in my head. But if I wanted an answer I had to ask Esme. And I had to do it soon. It was now or never. I stopped mid-running and looked at Esme, who had also stopped. "Are you alright?" she asked a little worried. I nodded. "I… I… Where you afraid of me? Earlier today?" I asked nervously. Esme was looking at me, then she shook her head. "No…" Esme whispered. "It… wasn't you… just… a memory…" she said lowly. "A memory?" I asked. Esme nodded. "Yes…" she whispered. I stepped closer to Esme, feeling the sudden need to comfort her somehow. I had only taken two steps when Esme flinched lightly. I stopped. "Esme… please, tell me what frightens you… I won't hurt you… you can trust me…" I pleaded. It hurt me seeing her shying away from me when I wanted nothing more than her to trust me, to let me comfort her. Esme nodded. "I'm sorry… I know you won't hurt me… but… I can't… I… this overwhelms me… I can't control it…" she whispered broken. "Just tell me…" I begged. "Tell me what frightens you…" Esme shook her head. "I can't… I don't know what it is… it comes over me… I can't see anything then… just… feel… it's horrible…" Esme sobbed lightly. I watched her with agony in my eyes. I again stepped closer. "I won't hurt you… never… please, trust me?" I asked, holding out my hand for Esme to take. She looked at me, possibly contemplating if she could trust me or not, but eventually put her hand in mine. I knew that this was a huge step for Esme but I still wanted to do more to comfort her. So I very gently and slowly pulled her into my arms, always looking for any sign of fear on her side. She was tense, but she didn't back away. Finally I wrapped my arms loosely around her, wanting to end her shivering. Esme didn't move one bit for a few seconds but then she slowly relaxed and actually wrapped her arms around me shortly. I felt like I was bursting with excitement that moment. It felt like my insides had turned to jelly or something. Holding Esme in my arms seemed to let warmth flow my body and cloud my mind. I couldn't think straight that moment. _

_**Esme's POV **_

_I took comfort from the embrace for a second, feeling something I never felt before: I felt comfortable near a man. There was still this nagging fear in the back of my mind but the other part of my mind was telling me that I was safe with Carlisle. It wasn't strong enough to make me feel safe, actually but it was enough to accept the comfort he was offering for a short time. After a few seconds I disentangled myself from him and stepped away. This was enough. I couldn't face more of this closeness at the moment. I needed space now. What had just happened was something so highly uncommon for me I was really overwhelmed. I took a few steps backwards, trying to get control of me again. I was grateful that Carlisle didn't try to approach me again. This would have been too much. _

_It took me a few minutes before I was feeling like myself again. To be in Carlisle's arms had left a feeling of safety in me but on the other hand I felt like touch or closeness was nothing nice. After I had calmed down a bit I looked at Carlisle who was patiently waiting for me. I smiled carefully at him and nodded. He smiled back. "Should we go back?" he asked gently. I nodded and we both started running back towards the house. _

_**Edward's POV **_

_I was sitting in the living room waiting for Esme and Carlisle to come back from their hunt. I knew that Carlisle trusted Esme she wouldn't outrun him or do anything else stupid and reckless but I didn't really trust his judgement on that matter. Since Esme was here he seemed to have lost his reason on some things. Especially when it got to Esme. I only hoped Esme was as controlled as Carlisle believed her to be. I remembered quite well how I was after my change. Compared to me Esme seemed like a tame kitten while I would have been a fierce lion. In my first months no day passed on that I didn't attack Carlisle at least once and destroyed half of the house. He could hardly leave me alone and he never knew what to expect when he got home. I often just lunged at him as soon as he opened the door, for no particular reason. But Carlisle was just Carlisle; endlessly patient he endured my fits and attacks, he never once fought me back, never hurt me or scolded me, he always tried to keep me entertained, brought me books and other things I often did only throw at him. He really had the patience of a saint. _

_I knew that Esme was not as dangerous as I was. First of all because she would never attack Carlisle on purpose, nor someone else. But her instincts were uncontrollable for her. She could do a lot of harm without realising it until it was too late. And Carlisle could not stop her, not alone. He might be strong enough to hold her, but he would never be able to catch her with her newborn speed. _

_Finally I heard some sounds outside and also their thoughts flooded my mind. I relaxed slightly. Everything had gone well, though Carlisle was hiding something. He was just going over all human muscles in his head, naming them. I frowned. What happened? Esme was not thinking anything helpful. She only shot glances at Carlisle now and then, marvelling at him. I knew nothing bad had happened because both of them were far too happy but Carlisle's behaviour got me curious. So I waited impatiently for them to get home. _

_I didn't have to wait very long. Carlisle and Esme entered just a minute later. "Hello Edward." Esme said, smiling at him. Carlisle nodded at him. Esme stood in the living room for a while before excusing herself to freshen up a bit. I noticed how Carlisle watched her for a moment before snapping out of it and sitting on the couch with a book. He had a huge smile on his face and wasn't concentrating on the book one bit. "Excuse me, can you tell me what makes you so damn happy?" I finally asked, exasperated. Carlisle just grinned and replayed the moment when he hugged Esme in his head, though more involuntarily. I broke out in a fit of laughter. Carlisle was going into emotional overdrive because Esme let him hug her? I laughed even more when Carlisle mentally went beet red. _

_**Tell me what you thought of this one... can I get 10 reviews on this chapter? If yes, I update faster! **_


	6. Funeral

_**Okay, here's another chapter for you. I'm sorry it took so long but there were some parts in this chapter that were especially difficult to write and I had a lot of other things going on and couldn't write as much as I wanted to... well, anyway, I'm happy it's done now and I really hope you enjoy! **_

_**CHAPTER 5 – Funeral**_

_**Carlisle's POV **_

_I felt like walking on clouds. My body still tingled where Esme had touched me. And I felt like I was overflowing with luck and happiness. As Edward asked me what made me happy like that I involuntarily thought of it and Edward started laughing. I looked down and was cringing with embarrassment. Edward still laughed. If I could blush my face would be burning by now… _

_After a while Edward calmed down and went back to reading, though he was still smirking, which irritated me a lot. I had never wanted him to know about this part of the hunt. But when he asked it just came back to my mind. I tried to ignore Edward and started reading. After a few more minutes Esme came back down, shyly smiling. I couldn't help it, a huge smile spread across my face. Esme quietly sat down on the couch next to Edward and started to read the book I gave her. This fact made my smile grow even more. _

_Another hour passed and I noticed that I had to get ready for my shift at the hospital, so I went upstairs to take a shower. _

_**Esme's POV **_

_About an hour after I got downstairs Carlisle got up and went back upstairs. I glanced at the clock and noticed that he'd probably get ready for work. I stopped reading and contemplated going after him. I still had the list with the things Carlisle wanted to get for me in my room. So I followed him upstairs. I waited until I heard Carlisle packing his bag and then took the list and went to his room. I knocked on the door to his study and waited till I heard him call "come in". _

_Carlisle was standing next to his desk, putting two files into his bag. "Esme." He flashed me a dazzling smile and I looked down. "I… I just wanted to give you the list…" I said slowly. This had been a stupid idea. He was busy, getting ready for work, this was much more important than this stupid list with some things for me. I shouldn't have bothered him. Carlisle stepped closer to me, still smiling. "What can I do for you?" he asked softly. "Eh… I was just… I…" I stammered, but Carlisle interrupted me. "Just tell me, I won't bite." He said lightly. I looked up and got distracted by his beautiful golden eyes. They shone with warmth and gentility, he smiled and didn't look bothered at all, but… happy. "I… I still had the list…" I whispered lowly. Carlisle smiled. "Yes, right. I was going to ask for it, thank you. I will stop in town right after my shift ends and order the things." He said. "You don't have to… I mean… the stores will be closed for some more hours when you finish working." I said. Carlisle smiled. "No, I have to work longer today, covering for a colleague, so I can drive into town right after work." He explained. "Oh." I nodded. Why did I feel so sad at the thought of him leaving for a longer period of time? "When will you be back?" I asked him, almost anxious. "My shift ends at noon, so I guess maybe an hour after that." He answered and smiled, before grabbing his coat. I stood there, not knowing what to tell him. "H…Have fun at work then." I wished him, though it sounded stupid. Carlisle turned around again and smiled. "Thanks." He said. _

_**Carlisle's POV **_

_I smiled at Esme one last time before heading down into the living room. Edward was still there, sitting on the couch, looking at me. "I'm going to work. I won't be back before noon, are you okay with that?" I asked him. Edward nodded. "Of course, why shouldn't I?" he replied cockily. I nodded. _Maybe you could do something with Esme? I don't want her to be bored… _ I asked him in my head. I really didn't want Esme to feel the tiniest bit uncomfortable or unwelcome here. Edward rolled his eyes. "I will manage, now go, you're going to be late." He reminded me. _

_I went into the garage and drove away in my Ford model T. As soon as I was far enough away from the house I let the happiness that Esme always caused spread through my body. I couldn't help it, but every little smile of her, directed at me or not, made me feel good. I was honestly a little sad that I had to work now. _

_Work was relatively calm. A few occasional flues, due to the season and an elderly woman in the early hours of the morning who slipped on the ice. Nothing more. But this left me enough time to deal with all the things I had in mind. _

_It were no pleasant tasks, though. I had to arrange a funeral for Carly, Esme's son. I called the mortician and asked him to arrange everything for me. I told him I was asked to take care of everything by the family members as not to arise any more suspicions. After everything was settled I thought about what to tell Esme. She wouldn't be able to attend the funeral, firstly because of her thirst but also because someone could recognise her. But she needed to say goodbye to her son, she needed to grieve. _

_**Esme's POV **_

_I was again reading the book I got from Carlisle. It was fascinating. The paintings and sculptures described there were so extremely beautiful. I really wished I could see them in reality. "la capella sistina" I read. The words sounded even more beautiful in Italian. "Carlisle speaks Italian." Edward said suddenly. I looked up. "He does?" I asked. Edward grinned. "I knew you would like that." He said. "Yes, he has some books upstairs I'm sure, you could borrow them…" he offered. I bit my lip. "I don't know…" I said. Edward, who heard the worries in my head smiled reassuringly. "You learn much faster now, photographic memory, it is easy learning something new, but… I could help you… at least a little…" he offered. "My Italian is far from Carlisle's. I never had the patience to learn before." He explained. A shy smile spread over my face. Just a second later Edward got up and came back moments later with two books. I smiled and scooted over on the couch to make room for him. _

_**Carlisle's POV **_

_Things had calmed down enough so I could in fact leave at noon. I grabbed my coat and drove directly into town before a thought crossed my mind. I couldn't explain why I was ordering women's clothing at the local tailor. I would have to drive further away to get the things Esme needed. At least the clothes. So I drove out of town again in the direction of Mansfield. It wasn't too far away and would allow me to get everything I needed for Esme, maybe even more. I couldn't help it, I wanted her to feel at home with me and Edward and I was more than ready to spoil her a little. _

_I arrived in Mansfield an hour later and went straight into the tailor's shop. As soon as I entered an old man came hurrying towards me, smiling. "Good afternoon, sir." He said, smiling. I smiled back. "Good afternoon, sir." I said and shook his hand. "How can I help you, Mr…" "Cullen." I offered. "Mr Cullen, how can I help you?" "Well, I need the get these things on the list here, it is for my niece, unfortunately she is sick and can't go out by herself… She needs a complete set of clothes, she was injured when her house burned down." I explained as I handed the list to the elder man. He glanced at it for a while and then frowned. "The young lady seems to have been really modest with the clothes she has chosen…" he said after a while. I looked questioningly at him. "Well, she has listed very few things, considering her whole wardrobe was burned." He said. "She will need more things… especially undergarments…" the tailor said. This was exactly one of the moments when I was glad I couldn't blush. I would be cringing with embarrassment by now. _Undergarments_ and _Esme_ weren't two words I wanted to hear in one sentence, and I especially didn't want to think about it any closer. "Well, eh… just… just order whatever you think is necessary…" I said, hoping to get out of this whole situation as fast as possible… The tailor looked at me. "I trust you with this, Mr…" "Turner." "Mr. Turner, just order whatever you think she might need, money is not an issue." I told him. The eyes of the old man expanded a little before he composed himself again and smiled. Carlisle nodded. "Well, Alright Mr Cullen, I think I will have everything ready to pick up for you in two days." I nodded. "Thank you very much, Mr Turner. Have a good day." I said. "You too, Mr Cullen." The tailor said and I left the store. _

_After that I decided I could also order the furniture at the local carpenter instead of going back to Ashland again._

_The visit at the carpenter's was quick and just an hour later I was on my way home, finally. I couldn't deny that I was getting a bit restless, not knowing how Edward and Esme were coping. I was a little anxious something had happened while I was gone. _

_**Edward's POV **_

_Around noon Esme was starting to get a little anxious. I had stopped teaching her Italian a while ago, because I really didn't know that much and Esme was an eager learner. I knew that Carlisle had said he would be home maybe an hour after noon but I also did not start to worry when two hours had passed. Esme was getting more and more antsy with every minute. She was worried for Carlisle though she knew there wasn't much that could happen to him. _

"_Esme, calm down. I'm sure Carlisle has a perfectly reasonable explanation for being late." I said, trying to ease her mind a little bit. "But he said he would be home hours ago." She reasoned, looking worried. I smiled. "Maybe he simply forgot the time. This wouldn't be the first time, Carlisle loves his work and loses track of time when he is engaged in something that interests him." I explained, remembering the many times when Carlisle had worked 18 hours or more simply because he wasn't keeping track of the time. Esme still didn't look convinced. I tried a different strategy, maybe I could distract her. "Have I shown you the new piece by Chopin I practiced?" I asked her. Esme looked up. "No, you haven't." she said, not letting the clock out of her eyes. "Come on then, I'll play for you." I said and held out my hand for her to take. After a few moments Esme let me lead her to the piano and sat down on the little bench next to me. _

_I was in the middle of the play when the sounds of the car's engine reached my ears. Esme immediately jumped up. Her first impulse was to run into the living room and greet Carlisle there but then she realised how stupid this must look and bit her lip embarrassed. I smiled. "Come on, looks like Carlisle is home." I said and went ahead. Esme followed me, still embarrassed by her earlier action, I guessed. _

"_You are late." I greeted Carlisle, who was just hanging up his coat. Carlisle smiled apologetically. "I am, sorry. I went to Mansfield." He replied. I nodded. _I have to talk to Esme… I arranged the funeral; it will take place on Friday…_ Carlisle thought sadly. I could tell that this wasn't an easy subject for him. He knew how much Esme had loved her son and how much she had wanted to be a mother._

"_Well, I'm going upstairs." I said, willing to give Carlisle and Esme some time to talk. Carlisle shot me a grateful look and thanked me in his head, while Esme got nervous. I gave her a reassuring smile as I went upstairs. _

_**Esme's POV **_

_I swallowed and looked at Carlisle. I was suddenly nervous I wondered why Edward had left us alone. The silence outstretched and I got even more nervous. Carlisle was lost in his thoughts it seemed. It wasn't a comfortable silence and I was afraid of what this was all about. "How… how was your day?" I asked, trying to ban the anxiety from my voice and just to end this awful silence. Carlisle looked at me. He sighed lowly. "Good, actually. It was pretty calm so I had not much to do, which is good, means less people are hurt or ill." He replied, but his mind was still far away. "You seem sad." I observed. Carlisle finally met my gaze and tried to smile. "Let's sit down." He suggested and went to sit on the couch. I watched him sit down but I couldn't move. What did he want to talk about? Had I done something wrong? Had something happened while he was at work? Did he want me to leave, perhaps? I shivered at the thought. I didn't want to leave. I had nowhere to go… I didn't know anybody… I… _

_**Carlisle's POV **_

_I sat down and waited for Esme to do the same but she stood rooted to the spot and suddenly started shivering. I got up, holding out my hand for her. "Esme…" I whispered, trying to get her out of her shock. She jumped startled and looked at me with a frightened look. "I'm sorry." I apologised. "I didn't want to startle you." Esme nodded, but didn't meet my gaze or say anything. "Let's sit down, okay? I just want to talk about something with you…" Esme was still tensed but followed me to the couch. _

_I took a deep breath and looked at Esme. "Well, I already told you I hadn't much to do today, so… well, I talked to the local mortician and arranged the funeral for Carl to take place this Friday in the evening." I said, looking to the ground. "You did?" Esme asked, her voice sounding hoarse and before I could respond I heard a strangled sob escape her. "Thank you…" Esme whispers. "I can't go there… right?" Esme asked after a moment of silence. I bit my lip, knowing this must cause her much more pain than is fair. "I'm sorry." I said. "But… we can go there later, when no one is around…" I told her. Esme looks up at me, her eyes shining with unshed tears. "Thank you." She said, grasping my hand and giving it a short squeeze before standing up and heading upstairs. I know she needed to be alone now. _

_**Esme's POV **_

_I went into my room and as soon as I closed the door behind I broke down in sobs. I fell on the bed as my body was wrecked with dry sobs. My emotions were in a whirlwind. It was like Carly died all over again. I clutched his baby blanket tightly to my chest and sobbed into it. His young innocent smell was still clinging to the blanket. It was sweet and made my throat burn, but I could never have hurt him. He was my son. More sobs escaped my lips as memories of his perfect little face appeared before my eyes. He had been so handsome. His eyes a bright sky blue, a little dark hair that was always messed up and spiky. I remembered how he wouldn't sleep that first night, how he kept crying: I had taken him out of his crib and placed him on my chest, singing to him. He had fallen asleep immediately, being safe and loved. I had watched him sleep that night, his face smooth, his little fists next to his face. _

_The memories were too painful to watch but at the same time to sweet to let go. I missed Carl so terribly. I still felt guilty for his death though Carlisle had assured me it wasn't my fault. But I couldn't help it. I was his mother, it was my task to protect him, to keep him safe – and I failed. I felt a pain in my chest like I was stabbed with a knife over and over again. _

_**Edward's POV **_

_I listened to Esme's thoughts as she remembered her son. It hurt me to see her like this. Her memories were painful, also for me but they were so sweet also. _

_I sat in front of my piano and again tried to soothe Esme's pain with my music. It had worked before. Without thinking any closer about it, I played an old lullaby. _

_**Carlisle's POV **_

_I was reading in my study but still listened for Esme. She wasn't sobbing so hard anymore, her breathing was more even and she wasn't tossing on her bed anymore. I sighed and placed the book aside. I was thinking about how I could help Esme. It wasn't just the loss of her son; it was also that she was so afraid of so many things. I had never experienced something like this before. I wanted her to feel safe here, and still I was always the one making her flee to hide in her room. It was frustrating me to no end. I was always reaching the exact opposite of what I wanted. I sighed again and looked outside the window. It had started snowing. I watched the flakes fall while I got lost in my thoughts._

_**Esme's POV **_

_After an eternity it seemed my pain finally subsided to a dull ache. I felt exhausted. Not physically, but mentally. I wanted nothing more than to escape the pain, if only for a short while. I wished I was human again, I could sleep then, or, to keep the dreams away knock myself out with pills. But nothing of this would work now. I sat up, desperate to find something to keep my mind distracted from the painful memories. _

_But nothing seemed to work. My thoughts eventually always drifted back to the funeral, no matter what I did. Finally I decided I would talk to Carlisle. I had so many questions. He said I could still visit the grave… _

_I gently knocked on the door and just seconds later heard Carlisle's gentle voice telling me to come in. I opened the door and stepped inside. Carlisle was sitting behind his desk, placing his book aside and smiling at me. "Esme, how can I help you?" He asked softly and stood up. I avoided his gaze as I answered: "I wanted to ask some things… about… the funeral." I whispered, so low even I barely caught the last two words. But Carlisle seemed to have heard them as he gestured towards the little couch in the corner. "Of course. Come, let's sit down." He said and led me to the other side of the room, but without touching me._

_I took a deep breath, preparing myself for the pain that would inevitable return when I started talking. Carlisle was sitting calmly beside me, not pressing me into talking. I appreciated this. It would be hard enough. "I… I want to go there…" I finally said. "The… the grave, I mean." Carlisle gently stroked my shoulder but stopped when I involuntarily flinched. "Of course. I never wanted to deny you this." He said. "How…?" I wanted to ask him what his plans were, how he thought it would work but the whole idea was too painful and my voice broke. Carlisle's hand again twitched as if he wanted to reach out for me but remained in his lap, probably he didn't want to scare me again. "We can go as soon as I am back from work that night, there will be no one outside. I'll take you to the graveyard then, alright?" he asked gently. I nodded, not trusting my voice enough to speak. I was so eternally grateful for Carlisle. He was so understanding and compassionate. I really wished I could do something for him since he was doing so much for me. "Th-thank you, Carlisle." I choked out, my voice heavy with emotion._

_**Carlisle's POV **_

_I wished I could comfort Esme. Seeing her sitting beside me, shoulders slouched, face down her voice full of unshed tears I yearned to do anything to make this better. She looked so helpless and broken. I wanted to see her smile again; I wanted to take away all the pain she was feeling. My cold heart ached to cradle her in my arms and hold her until the pain was gone. But I couldn't even put my hand on her shoulder without making her flinch, so I didn't do anything. I just sat there, feeling completely helpless and useless to ease her pain… I really wanted to help her. But how? I couldn't take the grief away, I could only be there for Esme when she decided to come to me. "It is alright… If there is anything else I can do for you, just tell me, okay?" I asked Esme, smiling lightly. "I don't want to impose…" she mumbled shyly, avoiding my gaze. "You don't." I told her softly. "Please, don't hesitate to ask for anything you need…" _

_**Esme's POV **_

_I nodded, swallowing the lump in my throat. I couldn't speak now. I simply looked up at Carlisle, hoping he would understand the look of gratitude in my eyes. He seemed to, because he gently placed his hand over mine and gave it a gentle squeeze. I stiffened lightly, but didn't move my hand. I could not explain this, not even to myself. Every kind of touch made me anxious, I was avoiding physical contact whenever I could but with Carlisle there was another part – it felt good; every time he touched me warmth spread through my body and my skin tingled where he touched me. I really wanted to trust him, to let him help me, but I couldn't, not yet. I ran my fingers over the back of Carlisle's hand before standing up and leaving his study. _

_**Carlisle's POV **_

_I was staring at me hand, swallowing hard. My skin was tingling were Esme had touched it and I felt strange, like I was sitting in a little bubble of happiness. My little bubble got pierced when Edward peeked inside my room. "You're going to be late…" he said, grinning. I smiled half-heartedly and got up. _Thanks._ I said rather grumpily in my head. Edward only shrugged and left my room. _

_I was ready for my shift at the hospital, grabbed my bag and headed down into the living room where I found Edward scanning the spines of the books. "Goodbye, I'm off to work." I said, nodding at Edward. "Yes, well, see you later." He said. I nodded and left the house, taking my Ford T to the hospital. _

_**Esme's POV **_

_As I went down into the living room to Edward I tried to keep my pain hidden from him. But I wasn't doing too well according to Edward's sympathetic expression. I gave him a small smile and sat down on the couch, pulling my knees up to my chest. I was staring out of the window, watching the snow falling. The trees were already covered in white. It looked wonderful outside, peaceful and calm. I smiled softly. The snow looked so much softer and whiter than I had imagined it. Like perfect little cotton balls. _

"_Do you want to go outside?" Edward asked me slowly. I turned my head to him. "Could we?" I asked. Edward smiled. "Of course. I'll keep an eye on you." He said shrugging. I nodded. "I would like to go outside for a bit…" I whispered. Edward grinned. "Then let's go. I bet there is no one out there at the moment so we don't even have to bother with coats." He said smiling a crooked smile and opening the back door. I was less enthusiastic. The pain I was feeling was still too much. After the talk to Carlisle I had felt better but I was still suffering from the loss of Carly. _

_I followed Edward outside. He was already waiting for me under the trees, an impatient look on his face. I went over to him, though much slower than Edward probably liked. But what I saw was just marvellous. The snow was still glittering a little, though the sun had already set. But the tiny crystals reflected every little bit of the remaining light they could get. _Like diamond dust…_ I thought. Edward laughed. "Come on now, Esme…" he called, breaking my daydream. _

_I reluctantly followed Edward through the forest, stopping now and then to admire the branches covered in snow and ice. Edward was running large circles around me, always keeping an eye on me. I understood that he was impatient and wanted to stretch his leg but I just didn't feel like running right now, I rather enjoyed the beauty around me. _

_**Edward's POV **_

_Esme was trying to act cheerful, but I knew she wasn't as happy as she pretended to be. But who could blame her? Her son would be buried in two days. Being outside obviously made her happy, though I would have rather ran around the woods or doing a snowball fight. Simply watching the snow and marvelling at it wasn't something I would do in my free time. Esme seemed to not get enough of it, though. She was standing in the forest like frozen, staring at everything around her. I shook my head at her. What was so damn interesting in snowflakes? They all looked very much the same! _

_Suddenly the scent of deer wafted over. I shot a quick look at Esme and saw that she had stopped breathing altogether. "Esme?" I asked lowly. _I don't want to hunt… not now…_ she thought and looked to the ground. I understood what Esme meant, but it would be better if she hunted. She was after all a newborn… "You should hunt…" I said carefully. Esme bit her lip. "I know you feel bad right now, Esme… but… not hunting is not helping… It is gonna make it harder…" I tried to reason. She was still looking to the ground, refusing her instincts to take over. Her whole behaviour was remarkable for a newborn. She was fighting her very instincts. "Esme... please…" I whispered. Esme looked up at me and finally nodded. _

_**Carlisle's POV **_

_In the hours I spent working in the hospital I couldn't ban Esme from my mind. I was happy. Maybe she finally trusted me a little. I hoped so. I wanted it so much. _

_I only hoped she and Edward were alright now. The thought of Esme being sad, moping around the house was not pleasant to me. _

_Thinking of the funeral also made me sad. Esme's son had been so perfect. He shouldn't have died. I had decided to attend the funeral. Little Carly should not be buried with just a priest. I would go there, even if it was probably not a good idea. And later I would take Esme to the graveyard. I had already ordered a bouquet of flowers, white and blue lilies, for her. I only hoped she would like them… _

_**Esme's POV **_

_We had gone back to the house after a quick hunt. I had to admit I felt better now, at least not thirsty anymore. After freshening up a little I stayed in my room. I was sitting on the windowsill staring at the scenery outside. _

_The sound of the clock downstairs startled me. It was midnight. Friday. Today my son would be buried… I tried not to break out into sobs again as I thought of the oncoming funeral. After I had calmed down a little I went to get the paper and pencils that Carlisle had also gotten for me. I again took my place on the window sill and began to draw. _

_The hours flew by and before I knew it I heard Carlisle's car in the driveway. Only a few minutes later he knocked on my door. "Come in." I called softly, setting the sketch pad and the pencils down. "Hello." Carlisle said as he stepped inside. "I just wanted to ask if you want to hunt again?" he asked shyly. I shook my head. "I went with Edward earlier." I told him. Carlisle looked surprised. "Oh, alright then. I'll finish my shift earlier tonight, I only work until midnight and then I come home and we can go…" Carlisle didn't finish his sentence but I knew what he wanted to say. I knew where we would go. My throat tightened by the mere thought of it. "Thanks." I whispered hoarsely, trying to sound alright. I obviously failed as Carlisle's face softened and he stepped forward, reaching out for me. "I'm so sorry Esme…" he said gently, trying to place his hand on my arm but I again flinched away. It was reflex. I couldn't really control it. But I saw a very brief flicker of hurt in Carlisle's eyes. "Sorry…" I mumbled. I didn't want to upset him… He was doing so much, much more than he had to… and I could do nothing for him… _

_I stared at the floor as an awkward silence filled the room. "Well…" Carlisle cleared his throat. "I better say hello to Edward…" he mumbled before leaving quickly. _

_**Carlisle's POV **_

_I gently knocked on Edward's door, trying to think of anything else than the scene in Esme's room a moment ago. "Come in!" he called. I opened the door and stepped into Edward's room, trying to ignore the slight mess. "You went outside?" I asked. Edward nodded. "Yes, Esme liked the snow, so I offered we take a walk… we came across some deer and hunted along the way." He explained. I nodded. _How was Esme?_ I asked in my head. "She tries to keep it together; she is hiding her thoughts and acting cheerful… She doesn't want me to know how sad she really is…" I nodded. Edward gave me comforting smile. "Don't beat yourself up about this. It is not your fault she feels bad, her son died… And… honestly I think arranging this funeral is one of the best things you could do…" Edward told me. I took little comfort in his words. I couldn't help it. If Esme suffered, I suffered too. "Well, thanks Edward… I'm in my office then, doing some paperwork…" I said, smiling lightly at Edward. He nodded. "Alright. Have fun!" he said, smirking. I sighed and shook my head. Paperwork was never fun, not even with my vampire speed and surely not when there were so many other things on my mind… _

_Instead of doing my paperwork I ended up staring out of the window in my study. The day was dark and gloomy, the sky overcast and huge white clouds promised more snow. Esme hadn't left her room the whole day. I really wished I could comfort her somehow but I didn't know what to say._

_Edward had again started playing the piano, a sure sign that Esme was upset and he was trying to comfort her. His music also helped calming me. _

_I left a little after noon. I wanted to drive to Mansfield and get Esme's clothes before I would attend the funeral. _

_When I arrived in Mansfield at the tailor's shop everything was ready for me. I only had to pack everything in the car. After that I paid the tailor, adding a little extra and was off back to Ashland. It was around 4 pm and the sun was already beginning to set. Carl's funeral was scheduled for 5pm. Only one hour. _

_I took a walk through the little park which was nearby the graveyard and around 4.30 pm I went into the chapel. It was empty. I was glad for that. I didn't want any company right now. I sat in one of the benches in the front and stared at the altar. _

_I sat in the chapel, thinking of Esme and her son, wishing that Carly was better wherever he was now. I also thought about Esme. Strangely she seemed to be in my thoughts all the time. I was constantly caring for her, wondering what she thought, how she felt, what I could do to help her adjust to this life and Edward and me. It was strange. When I changed Edward I was also worried, but not as much as I was for Esme. I knew Edward could fend for himself. Truth was, with Edward I was often more worried about the safety of others, very rarely even my own. He was quite violent as a newborn. But with Esme this was completely different. It wasn't about what she could do if a human came across us when we hunted. It was about _her_ getting hurt… Maybe this was simply because Esme was a woman. Maybe that's why I felt more protective of her… _

_My musings were brought to an end as Pastor Baker entered the chapel. He spotted me sitting the front rows and I stood up, greeting him. "Dr Cullen, good afternoon. Well, excuse me please, but I have never seen you in church before…" I smiled. "No, I wasn't here to pray, just think… I'm here for the funeral." I explained. Pastor Baker nodded solemnly. "Yes, a shame, burying a child is always hard, especially such a little one." I nodded. "Yes, his mother was devastated." _

_This night I had trouble concentrating on my work. There was too much going through my head. I always felt bad when I couldn't save a patient and though I knew that no medicine could have saved Carly I was wondering what would have happened if I had been there when Esme brought him into the hospital. Could I have helped him? Could I have helped Esme? _

_Watching the tiny coffin being buried was the saddest thing I had ever seen. The Pastor had said a few words, not much. What was there to say about a life that had hardly begun when it ended? Then he left me alone. I remained standing by the grave for a few more moments before I drove to work. _

_I was happy I only had to work until midnight. My shift dragged on with nothing but paperwork and the occasional rounds to keep me occupied. Midnight could not come fast enough. _

_**Esme's POV **_

_It was shortly after midnight. I was sitting in my room, staring out of the window, anticipating and also fearing Carlisle's return from the hospital tonight. I felt kind of sick and I knew if it could my heart would be beating furiously fast. _

_The sound of Carlisle's car coming up the driveway startled me and I jumped from the window sill. I was just overly sensitive right now, mentally pent-up. _

_I heard Carlisle coming up the stairs and stood up. Just a moment later he gently knocked on the door and I told him to come in, my voice sounding shaky, even to my own ears. Carlisle gave me a comforting smile. "Are you ready?" he asked me. I nodded and followed Carlisle down the stairs. _

_On the bottom of the stairs I stopped suddenly. There was a beautiful bouquet of white and blue lilies lying on the small coffee table. Carlisle followed my gaze. "Yes… eh… I thought you might want to take some flowers…" he mumbled quickly. I didn't respond right away, I was too touched by this gesture. "…you don't have to…" Carlisle's words ripped me out of my thoughts. I instantly took the flowers. "No. They're beautiful. Thank you." I whispered, shooting a shy glance up at Carlisle. _

_We walked in silence through the forest. I was glad Carlisle did not press to run. He was simply matching my pace, not saying anything, another thing I appreciated. I could not talk right now. My mind was completely focused on our destination. _

_After about twenty minutes of walking through the thick forest Carlisle stopped me. "We're there." He whispered. I swallowed hard. "Follow me." Carlisle said and lead me out of the forest, his hand behind me but not quite touching the small of my back. _

_As soon as we stepped onto the graveyard I felt the sadness and grief overwhelm me. My knees almost buckled under me and I stumbled forward. Carlisle reached out to steady me but never touched me. _

_I smelled the newly turned earth before I saw the grave. Slowly a simple white stone came into view. I slowed down, dreading this very moment when I stood in front of my son's grave. _

_The stone was white marble. The inscription was simple, yet beautiful: _

_Carl Platt _

_January 7__th__ – January 12__th__ 1921_

"_Loved for all eternity"_

_That's when I broke down. My knees buckled under me and I sank to the ground sobbing. Images of my little Carly flooded my mind. I was reliving his last minutes. How I held him until his breathing stopped. The awful silence afterwards, while I prayed for him to take another breath. Sobs raked my body and I wrapped my arms around myself. I felt like I was falling apart. Like I was losing my son all over again…_

_**Carlisle's POV **_

_I watched helplessly as Esme lay on the ground, sobbing. I desperately wanted to comfort her somehow. Without thinking about it I crouched down next to Esme and stroked her back. Then suddenly Esme turned to me and flung herself in my arms, clinging to me. In the first moment I was too surprised to act but then I quickly wrapped my arms around her and held her. Esme was burying her head on my shoulder, her body shaking with sobs. I crooned into her ear, stroking her back while she mumbled incoherent things. _

_It started snowing again while I sat on the ground, rocking a still sobbing Esme in my arms. Soon we were covered in a thin layer of snow. Esme had calmed down a little but was still sobbing lowly. It was a heartbreaking sound. Esme was holding onto me for dear life. Every time I moved she only held on tighter. I comfortingly stroked her back and murmured soft nothings. Then I gently placed the lilies on the grave and stood up. Esme had wrapped her arms around my neck and sobbed quietly into my neck. "Shhh… I'm taking you home, alright?" I asked. Esme nodded but didn't say anything. "Alright…" I said and slowly left the graveyard, heading home. _

_**Edward's POV **_

_I was sitting in my room when I heard Carlisle and Esme approach. Esme was sobbing and Carlisle's thoughts were confusing me. I went into the living room and saw Carlisle carrying Esme. He was rubbing her back and murmuring comforting words. I was worried and went out into the garden to ask Carlisle but as soon as he saw me he replayed the events in his head. I nodded showing him I understood and stepped aside. Carlisle carried Esme upstairs into her room. I waited downstairs. I was sure Carlisle would explain everything soon. _

_**Esme's POV **_

_I was feeling numb, empty, hollow, cold, dead… I felt nothing. The first thing I knew was that I was laid down on something. I opened my eyes and saw a person, a man leaning over me. I don't know what happened then, or why. But suddenly I was hit by a whirlwind of panic, fear, angst and a thousand memories I couldn't escape. _

_**Edward's POV **_

_Suddenly strange images flooded my mind and I heard screaming from upstairs. Without thinking about it I rushed upstairs and stopped in the door frame, shocked by what I saw. Esme was kicking and clawing at Carlisle who was obviously trying to calm her down, but couldn't get near her. He got two hard kicks into his ribs and stomach and was thrown against the wall by the sher force. I was still paralyzed. The images in my head were keeping me frozen to the spot. _

_Finally I got a hold on myself, just as Carlisle attempted to get closer to Esme again. But I knew now that this was it, what was scaring her so much. I quickly grabbed Carlisle's shoulders and pulled him roughly away. "Go!" I told him, meeting Carlisle's confused gaze. He was completely out of his mind, fearing for Esme. "Go! Carlisle go!" I told him again, harsher this time. Reluctantly Carlisle left the room, hurt and anxious. _

_I approached Esme who had curled up in a ball in the far corner of the bed, shivering. I crouched down and approached her gently. "Esme? Are you alright?" I whispered lowly. She had her eyes squeezed shut but relaxed a tiny bit when she recognised my voice. "I won't hurt you… I promise…" I whispered. "Are you okay?" Esme nodded. "Okay…" I mumbled, not sure what to do. "Can I do anything?" "L…leave me alone?" Esme stammered. I nodded. "Alright… just call me if there's anything, okay?" I said and left the room. _

_Carlisle was downstairs, pacing through the living room. He was running his hands through his hair, shooting nervous glances upstairs. As soon as he saw me he stopped, screaming at me in his head to tell me what had happened. "Calm down." I said, a little bit harsher than necessary but I was still shocked by the images I saw in Esme's head. Carlisle was not really calming down, he was worried sick about Esme, wanting to go upstairs and check on her. Something I knew would be fatal. "Edward, what is it?" Carlisle asked me, his voice sounding panicked. "Let's get out." I said. I needed time to think. Should I tell Carlisle? Could I tell him? I didn't know that. _

_Carlisle was already pacing up and down the garden, trying not to spring at me with his questions. "Edward, what is wrong with Esme?" he asked me again. I sighed. How could I describe what I saw? "I… I… can't tell you… it's… sorry Carlisle…" "No, Edward please, what frightened Esme so much? What did I do? What did you see?" he nearly screamed at me. _

**_Tell me what you think! I'm always curious for your opinions! So please leave me a few lines... please... ;) _**

_**PS: The next chapter of Missing Moments is hopefully also coming soon... I'm working hard on it! So please just stick with me! **_


	7. realisation

44

**_Okay, after ages (I apologize for the terribly long wait) another chapter for you... I am really sorry it took me so long but I had a little writer's block, this chapter was really difficult in some parts and I am also busy with exams so I couldn't write that much... _**

**_PS: Missing moments will follow later this week, I'm sorry for the delay but you will get it as soon as possible and after this week I have holidays till october so I will post more regularly! _**

_**ENJOY!**_

_**CHAPTER 6 – realisation **_

_**Edward's POV **_

_I couldn't speak for a moment. I was literally shaking with rage and disgust. The images seemed to have burnt themselves in my mind. I saw Esme – cowering away in fear, I saw how boots kicking her cruelly in the stomach, I saw her being threatened, pushed against walls, being hit with a broken bottle… and even worse… Esme crying in the darkness, curled up in a small ball on the floor, I saw her body bruised and battered, bloody even… I saw this… this animal threatening her, forcing himself upon her… No! I could stand it no longer! I shook my head violently, trying to get rid of the horrible images. I shuddered again and spat on the ground. I knew Carlisle was worried sick for Esme and also because I behaved so strange but I couldn't explain it. Not now. I needed to cool down first. What I wanted most right now was hunting this… this… piece of scum down and make him suffer, the same way he had made Esme suffer. I wanted to kill him, painfully, slowly... A growl escaped my lips and I felt my eyes darken with blind rage. If I knew where _he, it_ was… _

_I was pacing up and down the meadow, taking deep breaths, hoping I would finally calm down a little, but I was still seeing all these terrible things in my head… I still saw Esme crying and hiding in dark corners… I snarled again and ripped a low hanging branch from one of the trees and threw it inside the forest were it shattered into tiny pieces. I felt a little better afterwards. _

"_Edward! What is it? Calm down!" Carlisle said, his voice etched with worry. I took another deep shuddering breath and turned to look at Carlisle. He looked awful. His hair was messy from him running his hands through it all the time, his eyes were wide with fear and worry and he seemed even paler… _

"_He abused her…" I finally whispered, so low I wasn't sure Carlisle even heard it. "Her… her husband… Charles." I spat the name out, disgusted by it. "He… hit her, the scars… the scars on her body, they were all from him… he forced himself upon her… she was in hell…" I looked up to see Carlisle staring at me. His thoughts were a mess. Torn between a blind rage I had never seen on him and self-torturing guilt. _

_**Carlisle's POV **_

_I saw Edward storming out of the house. He was shaking, whether with anger of fear I did not know, but it worried me even more. He started pacing, his face looked like he was sick, twisted in some sort of pain I couldn't understand. It was terrible for me, watching Edward like this and knowing Esme was also in pain – because of me. It was pure torture. _

_Edward was not calming down. He was getting worse in fact. He was growling and snarling. It was driving me mad. He was behaving like on his worst days as a newborn. He looked terrifying right now. Really dangerous. Was this all because of Esme? Was she alright? What happened? My head was starting to spin with all these questions and fears messing up in my head. _Edward – Tell me what happened!_ I begged in my head. _

_Suddenly he ripped a branch from one the trees, throwing it into the forest were it hit a tree trunk and broke into tiny splints. "Edward! What is it? Calm down!" I said startled. Edward turned to me and after taking a deep breath he finally told me. _

"_He abused her... her… her husband… Charles." Edward spat out. "He… hit her, the scars… the scars on her body, they were all from him… he forced himself upon her… she was in hell…" I stared at Edward, not believing what he was just telling me. _

Oh my god. I could not believe this. Esme… this bastard… what had he done to her? It all made sense now… why she had been so afraid of being near me… why every contact scared her… I felt sick… I just wanted to hunt this piece of shit down and rip him to pieces… how could he do this? How could anyone hurt someone so beautiful? I was torn. Torn between finding this piece not worth living and rushing to Esme's side to comfort her. I wanted so desperately to hold her right now… to make her realise I would never hurt her…

"_Argh! Damnit!" I shouted and punched the nearest tree. The tree actually shuddered behind the force of my punch and I left a huge hole in the trunk. Then I sank to my knees, feeling like this was all too much… _

_**Edward's POV **_

_I was shocked. I had never seen Carlisle lose his temper. I had never heard him curse. He was always so controlled and level-headed but that all seemed gone now. His thoughts were a mess. I didn't know what to do. Carlisle was still kneeling on the ground, his head in his hands. He was fighting for his control. _

_After a few moments Carlisle stood up again. He was composed again. I'm _sorry Edward. I want to be alone for a while…_ he thought before vanishing in the forest. Though Carlilse had asked for some time alone I was not sure if I should follow him. But I decided against it. I would give him a few hours and if he didn't return I could still look for him. Right now I would check on Esme first. _

_**Esme's POV **_

_Though the shivers were almost gone and I felt a little better, knowing neither Carlisle nor Edward were a danger to me, I was still scared. I couldn't get the images out of my head. Images I rather forget than remember. It was all back now. The marriage with Charles. Him hitting me, threatening me, the helpless feeling, the fear. That's why I was afraid of being close to anybody. Because of him. I was again studying my right arm. I had known there had been a scar once, but I couldn't remember how I got it. Now I knew. I had just seen it in my head. This monster… He… had hit me with a broken bottle. I shivered again. No, I needed to think of something else. _

"_Esme?" A soft voice asked. Edward. He slowly opened the door and looked at me, concern shining in his eyes. I wanted to tell him I was alright, but my mouth couldn't from the words, because I wasn't. I was far from alright. I was scared, damaged, broken. "Can I do something?" Edward asked gently. I shook my head. Edward was such a sweet boy. Like I had wanted my Carl to be. "Oh Esme, I'm so sorry." Edward whispered and stepped into the room. He sat down on the edge of the bed and I closed my eyes, willing to hide the pain. Of course Edward still knew how I felt, or picked it up from my thoughts. I felt him reach for my hand and tensed but didn't pull away. He took it and squeezed lightly. It felt good actually. "Can… would… you hug me?" I whispered shyly, not knowing how to ask of this. I opened my eyes a crack to look up at Edward who seemed a bit unsure. "If… if you want me to…" he said. I nodded. Clumsily Edward pulled me in his arms. I wrapped my arms around him, feeling the pain overcome me with new intensity. I sobbed quietly. Edward awkwardly patted my back, probably not knowing how to handle this situation. I wondered how long it has been since he has been hugged. The last time probably by his mother… _

_**Carlisle's POV **_

_I had run a few miles before I sat down on a rock, my head in my hands. I felt terrible. It was my fault Esme had had these horrible flashbacks. I triggered them, I changed her… Everything was on me. Everything I tried turned out wrong. I thought taking Esme to the graveyard had been a good idea, now she was shivering and crying in her room. I felt terrible. I was feeling guilty, sad, angry, helpless, lonely, confused – all at the same time. I was a mess right now and I simply needed some time to compose myself before going back home. _

_The sun was already beginning to rise when I went back home. I felt better. But my main concern was Esme now. Was she better? Should I go to her? But what should I say? _

_I went into the house and upstairs. There was no sound coming from Esme's room. I stopped in front of her door for a moment and peeked inside. Then my jaw dropped. Esme was hugging Edward. Seeing this, my heart sank. Esme was shying away from me all the time, flinching whenever I got too close, but she was hugging Edward. I quickly focused on something else than my hurt feelings, lowered my head and went back into my study. _

_**Edward's POV **_

"_Thank you…" Esme mumbled when I released her. I smiled. "I'm happy to help." I said smiling. She looked down into her lap. "Are you better?" I asked carefully. Esme nodded. "Yes, I feel better…" "Good, I'm going to my room, okay? Just tell me if I can do anything else for you." I said lightly and left. _

_I didn't go to my room straight away though. I had noticed that Carlisle had come home, even wanted to check on Esme but not entered her room. I went to his study and knocked. "Yes, Edward." I heard him say and stepped inside. Carlisle was sitting behind his desk, reading a thick medical textbook. "You wanted to talk to Esme? Or check on her?" I asked him. Carlisle didn't look up but instead focused on the part he had just read while answering. "Yes, I just wanted to see if she's better." He replied in a monotone voice. I knew something was wrong right then. Carlisle was blocking his thoughts really hard and behaved strange somehow. "Are you alright?" I asked him, trying to get out of him what he was keeping from me. But Carlisle wasn't fooled by my trick. "I am." He replied shortly. "I'm in my room then…" I said and left the study. _

_**Carlisle's POV **_

_I was trying to keep my thoughts on different medical problems throughout the day and didn't leave my study. It worked more or less. Edward was leaving me alone, which I was glad for. When the sun sank again I was getting ready for my shift at the hospital. I was early for work but I needed to get my mind off things. Hiding my thoughts around Edward was becoming difficult, especially when I couldn't ban Esme from my thoughts. _

_When I went down I remembered that I still had the clothes in the trunk of the car. "Edward?" I called. "Yes?" His messy copper coloured hair appeared at the top of the stairs. _Can you help me get the clothes for Esme out of the car? Give them to her, please, I need to go to work._ I thought and opened the trunk to get the bags out. "Okay, I'll give them to her." Edward said as he took the bags from me. "I'm off to work now." I said my goodbye to Edward and jumped in the car. _

_**Edward's POV **_

_I took the bags upstairs to Esme's room. It seemed that Carlisle was avoiding her now, and me too. And he was still hiding his thoughts very carefully. _

_I knocked on Esme's door before peeking inside. "Edward, yes come in." She said. "Hey, Carlisle got you're the clothes for you, he asked me to give them to you." Esme got up from the window sill where she had been sitting and took the bags from me. "Thank you." She said as she placed everything on her bed. "Okay, I'm leaving you alone." I said and closed the door behind me. _

_**Esme's POV **_

_I placed all the bags and boxes on the bed. Even without opening them I knew that these were more clothes than I had ever possessed. I was a little sad that Carlisle had gone to work without talking to me again. I would have liked to thank him, not only for the clothes but also for taking me to the graveyard earlier. It may have turned out bad but I still liked having been able to say goodbye to Carly. _

_After I had looked at all the things before me for a few minutes I actually opened the first box – and quickly closed it again. It contained undergarments! I lowered my head, waiting for a deep blush that would never come. I only hoped Carlisle had not checked the contents of the boxes. But, if I was right about him, he hadn't. He hadn't even looked at the list when I gave it to him… _

_I carefully took a sneak peak in another bag. This looked better, like actual clothing. I took whatever it was out of the bag. The cloth was a beautiful silky purple. It was a dress and it was absolutely wonderful, elegant and classic, but absolutely breathtaking. I already loved it. But when would I wear an outfit like this? I couldn't think of an occasion that would require such an outfit, especially since I wasn't going out. _

_The other clothes were just as beautiful. Some were more practical, I could probably wear them while hunting while others were as stunning as the dress. Everything was there. From the undergarments Esme still felt a little unsure about to hats, coats and a complete winter wardrobe. Everything was of high quality, expensive and made with great care. _

_I began to stock everything in the closet, then I decided I would try one of the outfits on. I took a pair of dark pants and a thick woollen pullover out of the closet and all the other things I needed. Then I headed for the bathroom. A bath sounded like a good idea to me right now. Maybe I could relax a bit more. _

_**Carlisle's POV **_

_Work was not half as distracting as I wanted it to be. My mind kept slipping back to Esme and Edward hugging. It gnawed at me. I didn't know why it bothered me that much. I should be happy she seemed to cope better with this life after all. But it was driving me crazy. _

_I even tried to bury myself in paperwork but it wasn't working. A knock on the door got me out of my thoughts. "Dr Cullen?" an older nurse stepped into my office. "An emergency just arrived. A man, 31 years old, he cut himself with a knife, it looks really bad…" she said. I nodded. "I'm coming." I said and followed her outside. _

_The smell of blood was heavy in the air and so was the smell of alcohol. I frowned. Then I saw the mess. A young man was sitting in the waiting room, his left hand was all bloody. He was bleeding all over the place but didn't even care. He was obviously drunk. I approached him. "Good evening sir, I'm Dr Cullen. Would you please follow me, so I can take a look at your hand?" I asked. The man stood up, swaying and stumbling to keep his balance. "Sure doc, if you want to…" he slurred and smiled a goofy smile. I led the men into the closest examination room. The older nurse followed behind me. I helped the man onto the table and then went to prepare my things. "What should I get him for the pain?" the nurse asked behind my back. I shook my head. "Nothing. I doubt he can feel the pain in his hand. I'm going to stitch it up without pain relievers for the moment, he will just need something later." I said and turned back to my patient who was now curiously exploring his sliced open palm._

_I took his hand and started to clean all the blood off first, so I could see the damage done. "Okay, Mr…" I glanced at his chart. "Carter, how did this happen?" The man smiled. "We were cele… celebrr… had a party…" he said. "My wife had the baby, you know? Jerry…" I nodded. So this man was getting drunk while his wife just gave birth to their son, a great way to show love and support for his wife in my eyes… "You have kids doc?" he asked me. I shook my head. "No, I don't." I replied shortly. This wasn't any of my favourite topics, especially not after the latest events. I focused back on the wound. The young man had done a good job. He had sliced his whole palm open and wouldn't be able to use this hand for weeks. His wife would be very happy about that, I was sure. _

"_You're married?" my patient asked again. I shook my head. "No. I will stitch this up now, Mr Carter, please hold still, alright? Would you like something for the pain?" I asked. He shook his head. "No… just do it…. So, no wife? Why not? Looking like you the girls must all be crazy about you!" I sighed. _No, apparently they rather flee from me._ I thought bitterly. This man was going on my nerves. I finished the work on his palm as quickly as I could without raising suspicions, then I wrapped some gauze around the wound and looked up to explain to my patient how to take care of the wound so it could heal properly._

"_Alright Mr Carter…" "Man, I still can't believe you don't have a wife at home…" he said shaking his head. I ignored the remark. "You have to keep the stitches dry and change the gauze every day, alright Mr Carter. And please come back for a check-up in three days." He nodded, but I wasn't sure he had been listening. I would better write everything down again, together with the prescription for the pain meds. _

_Just then the door opened and the nurse stepped inside. "I'm sorry Dr Cullen, but the wife is here and she is extremely worried for her husband. I couldn't calm her down, maybe you could speak to her?" she asked. I stood up. "Of course, please just write a prescription for Mr Carter, I'l sign it later." I said and left the room. _

_His wife was pacing up and down the waiting room, a crying child in her arms. "Hello. I'm Dr Cullen, Mrs Carter, I assume." I said politely. She turned to me and nodded. "Yes, how is my husband? Is he alright?" I gave her a reassuring smile. "Yes, I stitched him back up, everything went nicely, though he isn't in any pain right now, he will be later. I will give you a prescription, but please make sure he doesn't take any pain medications before the alcohol wore off." She nodded. _

"_And… he will get back to normal? I mean, his hand…" I smiled. "Yes, it looked worse than it was, but I fear your husband won't be able to use his hand much in the next weeks…" I explained. The wife nodded. "I must also ask you to make sure the wound stays dry and the gauze is changed every day. In three days he needs to come here for a check-up." Mrs Carter nodded. "Alright…" she sighed. I gave her a sympathising smile. "I know this is really hard now, maybe you could stay at your parent's for a while?" I suggested. She nodded, rocking the crying baby in her arms. "Thank you, Doctor." I smiled. "Congratulations, by the way, for your boy." I said smiling. She practically glowed with joy at my compliment. "Thank you."_

_After I wrote the prescription I made a quick round to check on my patients and then busied myself with paperwork till the end of my shift. I was dreading going home, but I couldn't hide in here forever. I grabbed my coat and finally left the hospital. _

_**Esme's POV **_

_I was sitting in my room, wearing the clothes Carlisle had ordered for me. They fit perfectly, tough they were, of course, much too expensive and elegant. I felt more comfortable now, more at ease after the bath. _

_I had borrowed a book out of Edward's room and was reading when Carlisle got home. I heard him come up the stairs and go into his room. I waited a few more minutes and then slowly got up. I wanted to thank Carlisle for the clothes and also for taking me to the graveyard. The closer I got to the study the more nervous I got. My fingers actually were actually shaking a bit when I knocked. _

"_Come in." I heard Carlisle's calm voice and got more relaxed. I opened the door and stepped inside. _

_**Carlisle's POV **_

_As soon as Esme opened the door I got up from behind my desk and stepped back so I was leaning against the wall. She stood in the middle of the room, looking nervous and shy. "I… I just wanted to tell you, well… thanks for taking me to the graveyard… and the clothes…" she mumbled. I nodded. "No problem." I replied shortly. I knew Esme was uncomfortable, probably because of me, so I didn't want her to be here longer than necessary. _

_She nodded. "I don't want to keep you from your work… I just wanted to tell you this." She said and left. I sighed lowly. _

_**Esme's POV **_

_I went back to my room. This had been extremely awkward and I was a little sad. The last times I had gone to talk to Carlisle we had at least shared a few lines, but this time. Nothing. He was being distant, almost cold. The way he had leaned against the wall, leaving his desk like a barrier between us. It was strange and I didn't like it. I was also sad he hadn't tried to talk to me… the last time he had told me how lovely I looked in my old blue dress and this time he didn't even look at me. I wondered what was wrong… Had I upset Carlisle in any way?_

_**Edward's POV **_

_Carlisle was acting strange. He hadn't come out of his study since he had returned from the hospital and was still violently blocking his thoughts – all the time, not only when I was near him. I had expected him to talk to Esme, check on her, but he didn't. He hid in his study or his room. I didn't know what was wrong and since I at least tried to respect the privacy of others, as best as I could, I didn't press the issue. But when the day turned into night again and Carlisle went to the hospital for another shift I got worried. _

_Normally Carlisle was much more companionable. He would always talk to me, ask me about my day or tell me about his and until today, he had always done the same with Esme. He even sought the company of her more than mine… and now he was avoiding both of us? This didn't made sense… _

_After Carlisle had left for work I went to Esme's room. I wanted to know if she wanted to hunt again. "Come in Edward." I heard her mumble after I knocked. "Hey…" I greeted her. "I wanted to know if you want to hunt again?" I asked. Esme's thirst flamed up again when I asked, her thoughts showed me that, but she hesitated. I knew the reason. She hoped Carlisle would take her hunting when he got back… on the other hand Esme felt like she was imposing on Carlisle… he obviously felt that way… _

_I bit back a growl. Now Esme was feeling bad because Carlisle had some problem with himself. I really had to talk to him about it… _

"_Okay, I think hunting is a good idea." Esme finally agreed. I smiled. "Good. I'm waiting downstairs, alright?" I said smiling. Esme nodded. "Yes, I'm ready in a minute." She said. _

_I went downstairs and waited for Esme to join me. She did after just one minute. I smiled at her and opened the back door. We ran outside. The snow hadn't melted yet and it was beautiful outside. I began to run immediately. I enjoyed running as fast as that. It was probably the best part about this life. Running like a bold of lightning. _

_**Esme's POV **_

_I followed Edward through the forest. He was fast, just as fast as I was with my newborn strength. He was smiling happily. I knew Edward enjoyed the run more than anything else. He didn't need to hunt, he was just watching over me. _

_It wasn't long until we smelled some deer. I immediately went after it, I couldn't help it. It was instinct. I ran after the deer and took one doe down, sucking it dry in mere seconds. My throat was already feeling a little better. I left the carcass lying on the ground and followed the fleeing herd to kill another doe. _

_I had just finished my second doe when something hit me in the back. I turned around, startled. I had moved into an aggressive crouch without knowing I did. My eyes were scanning the area just to find Edward leaning against a tree trunk, laughing, holding a snowball. I relaxed. He had hit me with a snowball! "You're paying for that!" I said and formed a snowball with my hands. I threw it at Edward but he just gracefully moved out of the way and threw another snowball my way. I growled playfully and ran after him, dodging his attacks as good as I could and trying to hit him. The effort was more or less futile; he always knew what I had in mind. _

_We chased each other back home. I was laughing the whole time. I couldn't remember I ever had so much fun. Once on the way back I managed to overtake Edward and shove the snow right into his face before he could move away. But I paid for it later with being shoved into a snowdrift. _

_**Carlisle's POV **_

_I finished work and drove home. When I arrived home I noticed the house was empty. This was nice because I didn't really like company right now, but on the other hand I was of course worried for Edward and Esme. I put my coat and bag in my study and went back down to get a book from the living room. _

_I was just tracing the spines of the books when the back door opened and Edward and Esme entered. They were laughing and wiping snow off of each other's clothes. I swallowed hard. They surely had had a lot of fun. I immediately averted my gaze and after giving them a quick nod and a short hello I went back upstairs. It was clear Esme was happier when I wasn't around. _

_**Edward's POV **_

_When we stepped back into the house Carlisle was standing in the living room. As soon as he saw us he retreated upstairs but not before I saw something in his mind. I saw him watching me and Esme embracing and now laughing together and how she fled from him when he tried to touch her. So this was what this was about! _

_Carlisle had mumbled a low hello and was back in his study within seconds. Esme was watching him with a pained expression on her face. She felt rejected, in a way. I couldn't believe this! I had to clear this up before things got messed up any further… _

_I smiled at Esme. "Please don't think that, it's not true, okay?" I told her before squeezing her hand and going upstairs to see Carlisle. _

_I didn't even bother with knocking on his door this time. I just stepped right inside. Carlisle wasn't even in his study. No, he had retreated in his room, licking his wounds. "This is what this is about? Really?" I asked him, startling him a little bit. Carlisle looked away. "You're jealous!" I realized. This was unbelievable. Carlisle looked to the ground. _I'm not!_ He mentally shouted at me but I saw other things on his mind. I understood the pain it caused him every time Esme flinched from him when he just wanted to comfort her and how much it hurt him when Esme was willingly embracing me. "You are! And you know it! Do you know that you're hurting Esme with that?" I questioned Carlisle. "She thinks she has upset you or something! She feels bad about it!" Carlisle finally looked up, worry in his eyes. "It isn't like you think it is! This isn't because of you! She can't help it that she's frightened of you! She doesn't want to be, but she can't help it, Carlisle! And now stop being so damn stupid and talk to her!" I hissed, struggling to keep my voice low so Esme wouldn't hear. Carlisle was still not believing me. He kept thinking of how easy it was for her to be with me. "Yes, she's not afraid of me, you know why not? She sees me as a boy, Carlisle, she remembers her son when she's with me, you… you're a… man to her… and she's frightened of that, not of you." I told him, finally getting through. Carlisle looked up. Suddenly feeling awful for acting like he did. He was hurting, too. _

_**Carlisle's POV **_

Oh God. I was such an idiot._ I sat down on the bed behind me, burying my face in my hands. I was so stupid! I had treated Esme like she wasn't welcome here. I heard Edward leave while I sat there, feeling awful. But I deserved it. I had hurt Esme. The only thing I was trying to avoid… I sighed, biting back a sob. I couldn't do anything right. _

_I needed to apologise. I had acted like a complete fool. Esme must feel terrible and I had to make this right. I would talk to Esme right away. _

_I got up and slowly headed towards Esme's room. I was feeling bad. I didn't know what to say to her, since I didn't think words could make this any better. I had hurt her and I felt awful for that. Hell, I didn't even know why I acted that way! _

_I had reached Esme's door and took a deep breath before knocking. _

_**Esme's POV **_

_Regardless what Edward told me, I still felt like I had done something wrong with Carlisle. He was distant and cool. When we got home from hunting it was the same. We had just entered the living room when he literally fled upstairs. Like he didn't want to be around me… _

_I had been sitting in my room since then. I felt bad. I mean, I couldn't think of anything I had done to upset Carlisle and I really liked talking to him. I missed him, in a way. I missed spending time with him, how little our exchanges might have been. _

_A knock on my door ended my thoughts. I mumbled a soft 'come in' and waited. Just a second later the door opened and Carlisle stepped inside. I was sure if it could my heart would have skipped a beat. I was frozen to the spot. What did he want? I couldn't help the fears that came up. Did he want me to leave? _

"_Can I talk to you?" he asked softly, not meeting my eyes. I nodded, still unable to talk. Carlisle took a deep breath and sat down on the edge of the bed, leaving enough space between us. "I… I am sorry…" Carlisle said after a minute of silence. "I'm sorry I acted so… cold and distant towards you. I… am extremely sorry… I know I was stupid and… sorry Esme…" he rambled, still not meeting my gaze. "It… it had nothing to do with you… it… well, maybe it had something to do with you… I was afraid of hurting you, of you being afraid of me… and well… I was extremely stupid…" he finished weakly. I looked at Carlisle and felt a wave of relief wash over me. He didn't want me to leave. He was afraid of me being afraid of him. It was… sweet. _

"_Carlisle… I am not afraid of you…" I whispered. It was true. I wasn't afraid of him. I knew he wouldn't hurt me. Carlisle looked up. I could see he didn't believe me. "It's… just memories… I can't help it… I know you wouldn't hurt me…" I said, trying to make him understand. Carlisle looked away. "Yes, I understand. Sorry, I don't want to be pushing you…" he said softly, but somehow not completely sounding like the Carlisle I knew. _

_**Carlisle's POV **_

"_So, eh… how about the clothes? Do you like them? Do you need anything else? Do they fit?" I asked, trying to change the topic. Esme let out a little sigh and I wondered what it meant, but then she smiled. "Yes, they are perfect. Thank you, again. They are all beautiful and I don't need anything else." She replied softly. I nodded. "Well, I'm happy you like them. You look beautiful" I mumbled lowly. Esme lowered her head, a clear sign of embarrassment. I mentally cringed in frustration. I was almost sure if Edward had complimented her, she wouldn't shy away like she did with me. Some part of me knew I was behaving ridiculous and stupid but I couldn't get over it. Esme didn't trust me and that hurt. _

"_Well, I'm going back into my study. If you need anything ask me." I said and got up. I felt better after talking to Esme, but a little sting of pain remained. And I still didn't know how to help Esme. Because I was too big a coward to ask her straight away, or tell her what I thought. I knew she had experienced horrible things, but I just wanted to show her I wasn't like that monster. I wanted so badly to make her feel safe… show her she didn't need to be afraid... I would protect her from everything… I didn't really know what to think or do. I was used to being my calm collected self, always knowing what I wanted. This was completely out of line for me – this confusion, these feelings. It was maddening. _

_**Edward's POV **_

_Though Carlisle had talked with Esme things weren't completely back to normal. Carlisle was still a little jealous, though he would never admit it. But I knew he was. He may be creating a thousand different names for that feeling but that didn't change what it was. Carlisle was jealous. Jealous because I could be close to Esme, talk to her, make her laugh, hug her even. All the things he wanted to do, even if he was carefully hiding his thoughts most of the time._

_Listening to Carlisle's confused thoughts was making my head spin. I was used to his calm mind. His thoughts were normally just as calm and collected as his behaviour. They hadn't been lately. Not since Esme arrived here. Since he found Esme, Carlisle's mind had been swirling with different emotions, changing faster than I could keep up with… Also, his thoughts were mostly focused on Esme. He hardly thought of anything else… I wasn't bothered by this, but seeing images of her seemed more like spying than when he thought of medical problems or simple everyday things… I knew that this was something so very private for Carlisle it gave me a bad conscience… I didn't like being in Carlisle's or Esme's head, especially not when they thought about each other. _

_**Carlisle's POV **_

_Though more than one hour had passed after my talk to Esme I was still extremely agitated emotionally. I decided to go hunting. Maybe stretching my legs a bit would help clearing my mind. I quickly changed into more comfortable clothes and left the house. _

_Running felt good. I felt the wind rushing past me, effectively clearing my mind. But still I couldn't stop thinking about Esme completely. I was torturing my brain, looking for a way to help Esme. The only problem was that I had almost no experience with women, except how to dodge the flirtatious nurses at the hospital… So I couldn't really help her, and Edward could neither… but maybe another woman could understand Esme better, maybe she would appreciate the company of a woman… well, the three Denali sisters surely were the wrong company for Esme. They were too… overwhelming and self-confident, plus Edward and I would have a hard time with them around… but Carmen, Eleazar's wife. She was one of the nicest persons I had ever met. I smiled. I would at least try that… _

_My thoughts got distracted when I came across a deer trail. I quickly followed it. I really needed to quench the burning that was nagging uncomfortably at the back of my throat. I followed the fresh trail and only minutes later took down two does. _

_I didn't feel like going back home so I ran a few miles through the forest till I found a beautiful little clearing. I sat down, my back against a tree. I should talk about my idea with Edward and also with Esme. I didn't want to push her into anything. If she wasn't comfortable with two additional people around I would not pursue this any further. But if she agreed I would write to Eleazar… _

_I made my way back home slower than I would have done otherwise. I was barely jogging through the forest, thinking about how I would approach this subject with Edward and Esme. _

_**Edward's POV **_

_It was almost dark outside when I heard Carlisle coming back from his hunt. His thoughts were calmer now. I sighed in relief. It had been hard being around Carlisle when he had been so confused and worried and hurt and many more things. _

_I went downstairs into the living room where Esme was to tell her that Carlisle was on his way back. Esme had been really worried when he disappeared for hours. _

"_Carlisle is coming back." I said as I sat down in one of the armchairs. Esme looked up from the book she had been pretending to read, a look of relief on her face. _Finally…_ she thought. I grinned lightly. Even if Carlisle was too blind to see it, Esme cared for him, more than he thought… _

_A few minutes later Carlisle stepped into the house. He only gave me and Esme a short nod before going upstairs. _Edward, can I talk to you?_ He asked in his head. I waited a few more moments before going upstairs. _

_Carlisle was standing by the window in his study when I entered. He gave me a grateful smile. "Esme was worried for you, you know, when you simply disappeared for hours." I told him in a low voice so Esme wouldn't hear. Carlisle looked up at me. _Really?_ He asked in his mind, not fully believing me. I sighed. Sometimes I really wished I could not only read people's minds but also show others what I saw. If Carlisle saw what I had seen maybe this whole thing wouldn't be as complicated. "I was thinking about something." Carlisle said lowly, carefully. "I want to help Esme feel more comfortable, in this life, with this new situation, around us." He explained. "So… I thought maybe the company of a woman would be good for her…" he said lowly and I saw an image of Carmen flash through his mind. "You can't think that!" I burst out, slightly louder than I intended to. Carlisle looked startled. "You can't send her away!" I continued but then I stopped, seeing different images in Carlisle's mind. I had gotten it wrong. I only saw him thinking of Eleazar and Carmen in Alaska and thought he wanted to send Esme away, but he wasn't planning this. He wanted to invite them to us. He showed me his whole idea in his thoughts, wanting to know what I thought about that. _

_I thought about his plan for a moment. I could see the logic behind it. "You're right maybe. A woman around could make Esme feel safer. Though, I don't know if she will be alright with that." I said slowly. Carlisle nodded. "Yes, I wanted to talk to her about it…" he said. I nodded, but then looked up at him. "Eh… maybe I could talk to her about this, if you don't mind?" I added quickly, but realizing I had already hurt Carlisle. "Yes, of course. Maybe that would be better indeed." He replied a little stiff. I swallowed, knowing he wasn't liking this but I honestly had my doubts Carlisle would be able to tell Esme what his idea was when he was talking to her. He tended to be a little confused and not really reliable in her presence. "Okay, I'm talking to her tomorrow…" I said and left Carlisle alone with his, now again, messed up thoughts. _

_**Esme's POV **_

_I watched Carlisle out of the corner of my eyes when he went upstairs. I was glad he was home. I had been worried. He had behaved strange earlier. Well, he was still behaving strange. I wondered what he and Edward were talking about. I could hear their low voices upstairs, but I couldn't make out what they were saying. _

_But only a few minutes later Edward came back down into the living room, looking perfectly fine. He gave me a soft smile and shook his head. "Nothing, really, I'm just having a different opinion than Carlisle on some things." he mumbled. _

_**Carlisle's POV **_

_Later that night I was sitting in my office watching the snowy landscape outside. Everything was so calm, calm and peaceful. I wanted some of that peace for myself. I placed my bookmark in the thick volume I had tried to read and silently went downstairs into the empty living room. It was a cloudless night with the stars twinkling in the deep, velvety blue sky and the moon casting a silvery light over everything. I stepped out into the snow and sat down with my back against a wooden porch. _

_I simply stared into the night time sky and let my mind wander. I remembered one night just as beautiful as this one, though it was summer back then. Summer in 1911. It was the time Esme was in the hospital. She was 16, beautiful, vivid and carefree. I had taken her out for a night time stroll through the hospital park, chatting easily with her. I had lend her my coat… we had watched a squirrel climbing a tree just a few feet away. I smiled when I thought of the sparkle in Esme's eyes when she watched the little animal. I had enjoyed that night more than anything else. I had felt truly like myself, like I didn't have to hide what I was… I remembered all the tiny details… Esme blushing when I told her she was truly unique, her grabbing my sleeve to get my attention, snuggling into my coat, even her telling me off because she was afraid I would get cold… I sighed. This time back then had been so easy… _

_Esme's POV _

_I was sitting in my room on the window sill, my now favourite spot. I had a beautiful view from here, over the garden and the forest to the blurry shape of the mountains on the horizon. _

_Suddenly I saw Carlisle stepping out through the backdoor. He sat down in the snow, leaning back against the porch's railing, staring up at the sky. He looked sad somehow. Not knowing why I did it I stood up and slowly went downstairs. _

_The backdoor was open, the clear air streaming inside the house. Carlisle was still sitting there, still as a statue. I didn't know if he was so lost in his thoughts he hadn't noticed me or if he just wasn't acknowledging me. I stepped outside till I was only a few feet away from him. _

"_Are you alright?" I asked softly. Carlisle snapped out of his thoughts and quickly turned around. He obviously hadn't noticed me before. "Yes." he breathed, looking startled. "What are you doing here?" I asked him. Carlisle sighed lowly. "Nothing…" he mumbled. "Just sitting… and thinking…" I sat down beside him. "You look sad." I whispered. "I'm fine." Carlisle replied, not looking at me. I nodded, knowing Carlisle was shutting me out. _

_I sat next to Carlisle, simply staring into the night. Sometimes I would glance at him from the corner of my eye. He wasn't moving. I saw the look of sadness in his eyes, his slumped shoulders and how he would occasionally glance at me or sigh so low he probably thought I couldn't hear, but I did. I wanted so badly to reach out and touch him, hug him maybe. My hands started to twitch so I clenched them to my sides, trying to suppress the desire to reach out for Carlisle. _

_After a while Carlisle stood up. "I'm going back into my room, good night." He said, heading back inside. _

_I spent most of the rest of the night sitting in the snow, thinking. I had wanted to reach out and touch Carlisle's shoulder, comfort him a little but I had been too shy. Now I regretted this. _

_In the early hours of the morning I went back inside my room. Just a few hours later Carlisle left, probably for work. _

_**Edward's POV **_

_After Carlisle left for work I went to Esme's room, planning on taking her out to hunt. I would do everything I could to get her to agree on having Eleazar and Carmen over here. Carlisle and Esme were both so complicated. I mean, I was really hoping they would get a little closer sitting out there for hours. If Esme had only hugged him like she wanted to, or Carlisle got the courage to talk to her… _

_I gently knocked on Esme's door, waiting till I heard her whisper "come in.". I opened the door and peeked inside. "Hey, I wanted to know if you want to go hunting, maybe?" I asked her, smiling. Esme smiled. "Yes, I'd like to hunt." She agreed. "I'll be ready in a minute." I nodded. "Alright, I'm waiting downstairs." I said, leaving her room. _

_Just a few minutes later Esme came walking into the living room, wearing dark pants and a purple blouse. "Are you ready to go?" I asked her. She nodded and followed me outside._

_The hunt was relatively quick. We found a herd of deer just a few miles from home. After satisfying our thirst we ran a few miles through the forest, simply stretching our legs. After a while I slowed to a comfortable jog. _

_**Esme's POV **_

_Edward slowed down to a slower pace. He had been acting strange the whole day and I was a little on edge. __"Eh… Esme, I wanted to talk to you about something…" he finally said. I stopped, horrible images filling my mind. Maybe he wanted to tell me I had to leave. Maybe Carlisle didn't want me around any longer. After all, he had enough problem without me. Maybe that was the reason he had been so cold last night and I mistook it for sadness? "Esme please stop." Edward said. "It's nothing bad." I breathed a quick sigh of relief. "What is it?" I asked, still sounding nervous. I wasn't able to ban the worry completely from my mind. "Well, eh… to cut it short… Carlisle got a letter… of an old friend… Eleazar… They have known each other for ages and Eleazar was thinking of visiting Carlisle…" Edward explained. I frowned. _What do I have to do with this?_ "Well, Carlisle wasn't sure if this would be okay with you… He… doesn't want to make you uncomfortable… with two more vampires in the house…" _Two?_ I looked quizzically at Edward. "Yes, Eleazar and his wife, Carmen." He explained. I nodded. The thought of meeting others was a little frightening. On the other hand, I didn't want to say no… Carlisle would surely like it if his friends visited. I didn't want to spoil that. _

_**Edward's POV **_

_I tried hiding the smirk that was threatening to escape me. Like I had expected it, Esme didn't want to make Carlisle unhappy, so she would agree. I felt bad, tricking Esme into agreeing but I had a feeling that it could actually be good if Carmen was around for a while. "I'm alright with them visiting." Esme mumbled. I smiled. "That's really nice. Carlisle will be happy. He hasn't seen Eleazar in ages." Esme smiled a little. She liked the thought of making Carlisle happy. _

"_Are they… like us…?" Esme asked after a while. I nodded, knowing where she was heading to. "Yes, they are vegetarians. They have lived like that for a long time." Esme nodded. "When will they arrive here?" she asked. I shrugged. "Next week, maybe the one after. I don't know for sure." _

_We went back home in a faster pace. Esme was still lost in her thoughts but she wasn't that afraid of meeting two other people. I was glad she wasn't struggling as much as I had expected. It would only make me feel bad. _

_When we got home I heard Carlisle upstairs in his study. I frowned. He was home early. "Carlisle's home." I said. Esme nodded. She also had noticed. "I'm going to say hello to him." I said and went upstairs, half-hoping Esme would join me, but she didn't. _

_I opened the door to his study and stepped inside. Carlisle smiled, laying the book he had been reading aside. "Hello." I greeted him, next to me Esme was giving Carlisle a shy smile. Carlisle smiled. "Hello." He said. "Why are you home already?" "Dr Carter wanted to swap shifts with me, so I got the rest of the day off but have to work a double tomorrow." Carlisle explained. I nodded. "Okay." Carlisle nodded. "I talked to Esme." I added in a low whisper. Carlisle looked up. "She agreed." I told him. Carlisle smiled. _I will write to Eleazar._ He thought. I nodded. "Yes, do that." _

_**Reviews make me write faster... there's some fluff coming up... ;) **_


	8. visitors

52

_**Okay, I know I promised the new chapter ages ago, and I'm apologising all the time for the long waits, but I am really, really sorry I can't update faster. I won't make any promises this time, I will work as fast as I can and I hope you stick with me, though I am a terrible slow writer... Anyway, I hope you like this first part of Carmen and Eleazar visiting... there will be more, but I decided to end this chapter with a nice realisation... enjoy it! :) **_

_**CHAPTER 7 – visitors**_

_**Esme's POV **_

"_Esme, please stop… it is perfect." Edward said, standing in the doorway watching me smooth the cover of the bed in the guestroom for the hundredth time in the last minutes. I sighed. I was terribly nervous. These friends of Carlisle would arrive today, around noon. And I was not only anxious, I was scared. Despite everything I told Edward or Carlisle, I was afraid of meeting others. _

"_They're both really nice. You will like them." Edward said again. "Really Esme. This room is perfect." He said as I again rearranged the flowers in the vase. "Please, let's go downstairs… play a game or something… Carlisle will also be home soon…" I nodded, saying nothing. I wasn't sure if Carlisle being home would calm me or fuel my anxiety. _

_I followed Edward into the living room and sat down in the armchair farthest from the door and tried to concentrate on a book. It was futile. I could only think of the oncoming visitors. _

_I knew Carlisle was happy his friends were coming to stay with us for a while. He had been much more relaxed these last days, on the other hand, he had rarely been at home, working long hours so he could take the next day and the whole weekend off. _

_I had hardly seen Carlisle these last days. And when I did, he was not saying much. Only greeting me before going into his study. But I imagined him to be happy. After all, Edward told me he missed his friends. _

_**Carlisle's POV **_

_At 5 am I was finally finishing my shift at the hospital and went home. Eleazar and Carmen would arrive today and I was happy to meet them. It would be nice to have Eleazar around, and Carmen was just as nice. And I was still hoping she would be able to help Esme. I hadn't seen much of Esme lately but I knew she and Edward spent much time together and, though I tried to hide it, it pained me. Every time I heard Esme giggle I wished it was me who made her. Not Edward. I wanted to hunt with her, but I knew she rather took Edward with her and so I stepped back, going alone when needed. _

_When I arrived home I found Edward and Esme in the living room. My thoughts were focused on Carmen and Eleazar, a simple method to not let Edward pick up on my mood. "Good morning." I greeted. "Hello." Edward said simply, while Esme only gave me a shy smile. _

_After that I went up in my study to read a little bit. I tried to focus on the book in my hands or my joy of seeing Carmen and Eleazar and not the worry about how Esme would cope and everything attached to it, but I slipped a few times. _

_**Esme's POV **_

_It was almost noon and with every minute trickling by my anxiety grew. I remembered these past days. I had used every minute to ask Edward about our visitors. He was patiently telling me as much as he could, though always hinting that I could also ask Carlisle, he knew them much better. I never did. I simply wasn't brave enough. And I also didn't want him to think I was afraid of meeting his friends and him cancelling their visit because of me. _

_**Edward's POV **_

_It was exactly 12 o'clock when I heard the thoughts of Carmen and Eleazar pop up in my mind. Just a few minutes later the sound of the car got into hearing range. Esme looked really nervous now. "You'll be fine." I told her, probably for the thousandth time in the last two weeks. _

_I was giving Esme one last smile when Carlisle came down the stairs. His eyes quickly flitted to Esme and, sensing her nervousness, he gave her a small smile too. _

_As the doorbell rang I went to open the door while Esme was positioning herself closer to Carlisle, using him as the only thing to hide behind. _

_**Carlisle's POV **_

_I had noticed Esme's distress and how she was trying to hide behind me. I instantly felt bad for more or less forcing her into this situation. I really wanted to comfort her, but couldn't think of anything to say. And just a second later Eleazar and Carmen entered the living room with Edward. _

_**Esme's POV **_

_I watched tensed as two extremely beautiful vampires entered the living room in front of Edward. They both had olive skin with the characteristic paleness to it and black hair. Eleazar was tall and lean, his face was very angular and sharp, but his golden eyes, filled with warmth and calm comforted me a little. He looked… not dangerous… _

_I watched Carlisle as he stepped forward and embraced his friend in a one armed hug. "Carlisle! It's been a while my friend!" Eleazar said in a deep, rich voice that still had the hint of a Spanish accent. "Eleazar, it's good to see you!" he said. The two men smiled at each other before Carmen stepped forward, also embracing Carlisle and even kissing him on both cheeks. "It's so nice to see you again!" she said, smiling. _

_I suddenly felt a wave of anger crash over me, seeing this woman, this beautiful woman, so close to Carlisle. My vision got a reddish tint and I only half recognised Edward, trying to calm me down. It took me everything not to growl. _

_The feeling vanished just as fast as it came. Just then I realized that Carlisle was looking at me. "Excuse me, this is Esme. Esme, this is Eleazar…" Eleazar stepped forward. "It is a great pleasure, meeting you, my dear." He said smiling and reached out to take my hand. I instinctively jerked it back. I wasn't comfortable with any form of touch, and surely not from a stranger. Eleazar didn't show if my movement bothered him. He only smiled, looking at me more closely. "Carlisle mentioned that a new member had joined his family, but he surely failed to tell about your beauty." He said. I looked down, embarrassed by his compliments. _

_**Edward's POV **_

_Carmen and Eleazar hadn't been in the house for more than three minutes and I already thought it was a bad idea having them here. First I had to stop Esme from ripping Carmen's head off, when she embraced Carlisle and when I had handled that situation as discreetly as I could and was intently focussed on Esme and Eleazar meeting, I caught up on Carlisle's completely unfamiliar thoughts when he saw Eleazar be his charming self in front of Esme. I almost groaned out loud in frustration. _

_**Esme's POV **_

"_Well, may I introduce Carmen, my wife?" Eleazar finally asked and smiled at the woman next to him. I shyly returned her genuine smile. "Hello…" I whispered, feeling a little intimidated by the extremely beautiful woman standing in front of me. I didn't understand how Eleazar could call me a beauty when compared to his wife… I was plain compared to her… _

_**Edward's POV **_

"_Well, let me show you your room." Carlisle said smiling, obviously over his little fit. He led Carmen and Eleazar upstairs into the guestroom. I stayed with Esme. _

"_You did great!" I whispered as soon as everybody was upstairs. Esme smiled timidly. "Thanks." She whispered, but not really believing me. _

_I smiled at her, trying to reassure her, but Esme felt more uncomfortable than I had thought. "I'm going upstairs. I'm sure you have a lot to talk about, you haven't seen your friends in a long time." She whispered and headed upstairs. I followed her with my eyes, thinking that maybe this wasn't going as expected. Instead of being more open Esme was hiding herself even more. I really hoped this would get better. _

_I went upstairs into the room where Carmen and Eleazar would stay. "Do you like your room?" I asked when I entered. Carmen turned around and smiled. "Yes, thanks." She replied. I smiled. "Esme decorated it. She also got the flowers." I explained, noticing how Carmen appreciated the small things Esme had set up and I thought ridiculous and unnecessary. "That's really nice. I already wondered how one of you bachelors had thought of that!" she joked. I laughed a little, while Carlisle chuckled lightly. He instantly felt proud of Esme for thinking of something like that and being such a good host even when she wasn't totally happy about the visitors. _

"_Well, I think we should let you settle down." Carlisle said, excusing himself from the room. I also turned to go, when Carmen's thoughts called me back. _Edward, I noticed Esme wasn't too comfortable before, but I wanted to talk to her… _I nodded. "Yes, it's alright, her room is down the hall." I replied smiling. Carmen nodded. _

_**Esme's POV **_

_I was sitting on the bed in my room when a knock on my door startled me a little. I still mumbled a 'come in' and just moments later Carmen, the beautiful dark-haired woman stepped inside. I felt self-conscious, not quite the same when I was around men, but still not comfortable. I felt pale next to her. Her beautiful, smooth dark hair, her pale though olive toned skin, her grace and her slim body. Nobody could compare this to me. I was plain. Not ugly, but not pretty either. _

"_Hello Esme." Carmen said softly. I tried to give her a small smile and then, remembering my manners I mumbled: "Sit down, please…" She smiled and took a seat on the bed next to me. "You left really quick downstairs." Carmen began. "Is everything okay? I apologise if we made you nervous. I know it probably isn't easy, dealing with two strangers on top of everything… adjusting to this new… life, I mean." She said kindly. I simply nodded. "Well, I wanted to say thank you for the beautiful guest room, and the flowers." She continued. I smiled a little, getting more comfortable. "I am happy you like it." I whispered, not really looking up and meeting her gaze. I felt kind of stupid next to her. Like a schoolgirl, shy and self-conscious. "I was surprised actually, I mean, Carlisle and Edward would never have thought of flowers… these two are eternal bachelors." Carmen said lightly. I smiled a little at that. Yes, indeed,…_

"_So, you like decorating?" Carmen asked slowly. I nodded. "I do… I have not much to do now… Having so much time is, strange…" Carmen smiled. "I know… It was strange for me, too. But you will get used to it." She said comforting. _

_**Carlisle's POV**_

_I was in my study reading a book while feeling utterly confused. Like I did so often lately. I wasn't as comfortable as I thought I would be with Eleazar here. Seeing him greeting Esme downstairs had made me… nervous, uneasy. I didn't like it. It was stupid. I was being overprotective. I was worried for Esme because I felt she had more than her fair share of trouble and danger in her last life. I didn't want her to be frightened any more. _

_Just then Edward entered my room. "You are really stubborn, aren't you?" he asked me. I looked up. _I don't know what you mean._ Edward shook his head. "You know it perfectly well. You find a thousand expressions and other words for one easy thing: jealousy." He whispered. I gritted my teeth. I am NOT jealous. Edward grinned. "You know you are…" he said, still grinning. It drove me mad. Normally it was hard to irritate me but my nerves were on edge and so I was quickly angry. _Edward!_ I warned him in my head. He held up his hands. "Alright, alright. Tell yourself that. You're so damn ignorant sometimes…" he muttered while leaving. I didn't even react. I was too angry at the moment. _

_**Esme's POV **_

_I spent the rest of the afternoon in my room, reading. Carmen and Eleazar were also in their room. I could hear them talking softly. Edward was playing the piano softly. Where Carlisle was I didn't know. Probably reading something. _

_I was staring out the window, thinking about Carmen and Eleazar. Carmen seemed really nice. She was a kind hearted woman and I liked her already. Eleazar, well, I hadn't talked to him much and of course I felt unsure in his presence but he was probably also nice. _

_In the evening I heard Eleazar and Carlisle go downstairs, talking about something they experienced together. Edward was walking behind them, I knew his steps. I was unsure if I should join them. I knew Carmen was also on her way downstairs. I didn't know what to do. They all knew each other. They wanted to talk about the old times, I was sure. I would be disturbing them. I would stay in my room. _

_**Carmen's POV**_

_We all went into the living room. Only Esme stayed upstairs. I saw Carlisle looking up the stairs briefly. I saw a short flicker in his eyes. He wanted Esme to come down. I smiled softly. I had suspected that already. He cared for her. Esme was probably too shy. Maybe she thought she would disturb this, feel like an outsider when we knew us for centuries. Carlisle sighed so low that I was probably the only one hearing it since I was standing so close to him. Eleazar and Edward were standing by the windows, looking out. _

_I grinned at Carlisle. "Go and ask her to join us…" I whispered softly, giving Carlisle a gentle push towards the stairs. He looked confused for a moment and unsure but then he went upstairs. _

_**Edward's POV **_

_I didn't look at Carmen but couldn't help the grin that spread across my face. Finally. I only hoped Carlisle would not mess this up. _

_**Carlisle's POV **_

_I slowly went upstairs. I didn't know what to say to Esme. She shouldn't feel forced to join us, though I would love to have her downstairs with us. _

_I softly knocked on the door to her room. My fingers were actually shaking a little. "C…Come in?" I heard Esme say. It rather sounded like a question. I softly opened the door. "hey…" I whispered, smiling softly when I saw Esme sitting on the window sill. This was her favourite spot, especially when she was deep in thought. I already knew that much. "Hello…" I whispered softly. Esme just looked at me, unsure what to do. I stared at the floor. "Eh… yeah, I just… would you like to come down to talk?" I rambled on quickly. Esme looked up, biting her lip. "Well, I… don't want to impose…" she whispered. I shook my head. "You won't…" I whispered. Esme looked at me. "But… you know each other, don't you want to relive old memories…" she asked. "No, we… would like to have you downstairs with us…" Carlisle whispered. _

_**Esme's POV **_

_I looked at Carlisle rambling nervously. They wanted me downstairs. I swallowed, trying to hide my disappointment. I would have rather he wanted it, not all of them. But this was better than nothing. I nodded softly. "Okay…" I mumbled, standing up. Carlisle smiled a little. "Come on, let's go down then…" he whispered. _

_I followed Carlisle downstairs where everybody else was already waiting. Edward had sat himself in the armchair opposite the smaller couch. Eleazar was sitting on the couch and Carmen was standing behind him, her hands on his shoulders. I sat down on the smaller couch and Carmen came to sit next to me. Carlisle sat next to Eleazar on the other couch. _

_**Carmen's POV **_

_I smiled when Esme came downstairs with Carlisle. When she sat down on the smaller couch I half hoped Carlisle would sit next to her, but he didn't. I wasn't so sure but to me it looked like he considered the idea for a tiny fraction of a second and when I looked at Edward he gave me a tiny nod. So my inklings were right. Carlisle hadn't changed Esme by pure accident, there was more to it. _

_I sat next to Esme, smiling at her. She shyly smiled back. _

_Eleazar then asked Carlisle how he had been and for a while they talked about everything that happened since we had last met Carlisle. Sometimes Edward would tell a few funny stories he knew from Carlisle to include Esme. Carlisle obviously tried to do the same but not as outgoing as Edward. But he kept an eye on her the whole time. It was strange. Every time Carlisle did something, Esme reacted by shifting her position slightly, or a little smile would creep on her lips, small things like this. Carlisle did the same. One word from Esme could light up his face. I grinned knowingly._

_When it got later Eleazar turned to Esme. "So my dear, and how did you join Carlisle's little family here?" I noticed Esme stiffen beside me and Carlisle automatically did the same. Eleazar didn't notice but Edward abruptly changed the topic, away from Esme. _

_**Esme's POV **_

_I knew Eleazar hadn't meant anything by asking me how I joined Carlisle and Edward but suddenly all the memories and the pain overwhelmed me again. I saw Carly's face again, I felt the pain when he was taken away from me. I stiffened, my instincts told me to flee. Thankfully Edward got Eleazar's attention away from me, but the wounds were cut open again and I was fighting the grief, hard. But I couldn't force the images from my mind. I was feeling the pain again. I saw Carly fighting for his life, his struggling for air. A tiny sob escaped me. My hand flew to my lips, cutting the sound off before I ran outside. I couldn't take this anymore._

_**Carmen's POV **_

_Suddenly Esme jumped up and ran outside, after something like a sob escaped her lips. She looked terribly sad. I saw how Carlisle twitched in his seat, wanting to go after her but then he remained seating. But his eyes were fixed on the door Esme had left through and I was also sure he was listening hard for sounds from her. _She looked terribly, heartbroken… like she needed comfort… should I go? _I caught Edward's eye and he gave me a soft smile and nodded. So I stood up and went outside to look for Esme. As I passed Eleazar I gave him a little smile, meaning he didn't need to worry and telling him it wasn't his fault. _

_Esme was sitting on a rock a few feet away from the house. She wasn't making a sound, but she was shivering, her teeth pressed together. "Esme?" I asked gently. She looked up and I knew if she could cry she would be right now. "Are you okay? Eleazar didn't mean to upset you…" I told her. Esme nodded. "Sorry…" she choked out. I kneeled down beside her. "I should say sorry for Eleazar, not you for reacting like you did… You don't have to say anything if you don't want, I just wanted to make sure you're okay…" I told her softly. Esme shook her head but then began talking. "My son… he died… I tried to kill myself, that's how I joined Carlisle and Edward." She then whispered miserably before sobbing lowly. My heart broke for her. I could imagine what Eleazar's question did to her then…_

_**Edwards POV **_

"_I am sorry. I didn't mean to…" Eleazar started but I interrupted him. "It wasn't your fault. And Esme knows that." I told him, shooting a glance at Carlisle who wasn't paying attention. He was straining his ears to hear any sounds from Esme, seriously worried. I suppressed a sigh. Why couldn't he just go to her then? I knew Esme would also appreciate that. _

_**Carlisle's POV **_

_I heard Esme sobbing softly and it broke my heart. I wanted to see if she was alright with my own eyes. I knew Carmen was with her and that she would be alright, but I was worried. _

_After a few minutes I could no longer sit still. I got up and went outside. _

_Esme was sitting on a rock, her knees drawn up to her chest, sobbing quietly. Carmen had her arms around her shoulders. I approached them unsure of what to do. Carmen saw me and smiled lightly. "Esme…" I whispered softly and saw her look up. "I… I just wanted to see if you're alright…" I stuttered. Esme gave me a soft smile. "I'm sorry…" she mumbled. I frowned and kneeled down in front of her. "What are you sorry for?" I asked confused. "I ruined the evening…" she stuttered. I shook my head. "No… it wasn't your fault…" I whispered, wanting to touch her so badly, but I was too afraid she would shy away again. Carmen stood silently up and left after giving me an encouraging nudge in the ribs. I didn't know what to do, so Carmen hissed at me. "Hug her!" I stared at her… I couldn't. Carmen rolled her eyes and nudged me towards Esme's sobbing frame. _

_I swallowed hard. Very slowly I inched towards Esme, but my courage left me and instead of hugging her I put my hand on top of hers. Esme sobbed a little harder. What had I done this time? "Sorry…" I mumbled, drawing my hand back. Esme shook her head. "It's fine…" she said. "Eleazar is very sorry. He didn't mean it…" I told Esme. She nodded. "I know. He couldn't know…" she whispered. "It just… hurts…" she whispered, sobbing again. "Sorry…" she added. I shook my head. "You're grieving, Esme. It is alright…" I said, gently stroking her fingers for a moment. Esme calmed down a little and I took all my courage and gave her a very gentle, very short hug._

_**Esme's POV **_

_I felt how Carlisle stood up and gently wrapped his arms around me. I felt better then, but he let go after a second. I whimpered softly. I wanted nothing more than to be in his arms again. Just drown in his scent and comforting presence. I actually shivered when Carlisle let go again. He looked sympathetically at me. "Alright, you surely want to be alone… I'll leave you to your thoughts." He whispered, touching my hand one last time. _

_He turned away but I called out after him: "Carlisle?" he turned. "Yes?" I swallowed. My courage had just left me, again and instead of saying what I really wanted to, I mumbled a "Thank you…" "You're welcome." He replied before going back inside. I stifled another sob. I had wanted to ask him to stay, to not go but hold me again but I couldn't. I was too afraid of his reaction… his rejection… _

_I remained sitting in the cold for a few minutes. I shivered. I missed the feeling of his arms around me, though it had only been a second. _

_**Eleazar's POV **_

_When Carmen came back inside I stood up and went over to her. "It wasn't your fault." She said, gently running her hands over my arm. "She's right." Edward said from behind me. I smiled. "I still should apologise properly." I said and wanted to go outside but Carmen stopped me. "No, let Carlisle handle that for a minute." She said, giving me a small smile. I nodded. "Alright." Edward then shook his head just as the door opened and Carlisle came back inside. "I'm sorry, Carlisle." I also told him again. He shook his head and smiled. "No, you couldn't know. It was not your fault and Esme knows you didn't mean it…" he said. I nodded. "Still I didn't want to upset her." I told him sincerely and Carlisle nodded. "She knows that." _

_**Edward's POV **_

_When Carlisle came back inside I was actually a little mad at him. Why didn't he stay with Esme? Right, because he still believed she didn't want him around… Was he really so blind? Didn't he notice how Esme looked at him. How she had enjoyed that little caress outside… I clenched my jaw frustrated. "We should go upstairs." Carmen then said, before wishing us all a good night. _

"_I'm in my room." Carlisle said shortly after them, also excusing himself. I glared after him. Why couldn't he simply bite the bullet and do what he wanted so badly? _

_After Carlisle was gone and the living room empty I went outside to check on Esme. She was still sitting on the rock, staring ahead of her. "Hey, are you better?" I asked her gently. Esme looked up. "Yes, thanks…" Esme whispered. I gave her a reassuring smile. "Come on, let's go inside." I said, holding out my hand for her. Esme took it, for a second comparing my hand to the feeling of Carlisle holding her hand. I hid my grin. _

_**Eleazar's POV **_

"_Should I talk to Esme again?" I asked Carmen, unsure what to do. "No, I think it is fine. Don't worry. She wasn't mad at you. You only opened up some old wounds for her." Carmen told me, reaching for me. "Come here, sit down and don't worry." She told me. "Carlisle was upset, I think." I told Carmen. She laughed lowly. "He isn't himself right now, haven't you noticed?" she asked. I shook my head. "He is a bit… eh stressed, but I mean, he's probably nervous because of Esme, she's a newborn…" I said. Carmen shook her head. "It is because of Esme, but not because she's a newborn." carmen told me. "Haven't you seen how he looks at her, how he acts around her?" she asked me. I shrugged. I had noticed that Carlisle watched her often but keeping an eye on her was not unusual when she was a newborn. But my endearing wife obviously thought Carlisle was not acting like this because Esme was a newborn. And I knew better than to argue with her about that. _

_**Carlisle's POV **_

_I was lying on the bed in my room, staring at the ceiling. But I didn't see the ceiling. I saw Esme. I saw her beautiful face. I saw her smile, the smile I loved so much. The smile that had drawn me to her that day in the hospital, ten years ago. The smile that still drew me to her. Sadly I never was the one who made her smile. I closed my eyes and rubbed my temples. I remembered the feeling when I was embracing her for a second outside. Holding her fragile form in my arms had felt amazing. It made my dead heart soar. I remembered Esme's scent. Beautiful, like a meadow of wild flowers, enchanting, divine… _

_**Esme's POV **_

_I was back in my room, lying on the bed. I thought about Carlisle. I was holding myself, I needed the feeling of arms around me, preferably Carlisle's. The tiny moment when he held me had been wonderful. _

_I got up from the bed and looked through my room until I found the little blue blanket of Carly and the shirt Carlisle had lent me just after I woke up. I had kept it. I pulled it on and lay back down on my bed. I felt better then. I inhaled Carlisle's scent. Let it embrace me, calm me. I closed my eyes and imagined that Carlisle was there, holding me. _

_**Edward's POV **_

_I listened to both Esme's and Carlisle's thoughts and wished I could make them see that they both wanted the same. They were just lying on their backs, staring at the ceiling, thinking about the other. _

_I sat up and opened my window. I would go for a quick hunt or a run in the woods. I could no longer listen to both their thoughts. _

_**Carlisle's POV **_

_I was still lying on my bed when the telephone downstairs rang. I went to pick it up and minutes later I was back in my room, getting dressed for work. I was needed in the hospital, there was an emergency and a colleague of mine had gotten sick so I had to step in. Just when I was about to leave the house Edward came running towards me. "I thought you had the day off." He said a little reproachful. I shrugged. _There's an emergency and they need me._ I replied. To be honest I wasn't to sad about being away for a few hours… Maybe this would distract me from my confusing thoughts and mixed up emotions. Edward clenched his jaw but then nodded. "Hurry back." He simply said before going inside. I looked after him. _I will do my best._ I thought. I heard Edward snort inside. _

_**Esme's POV **_

_As the morning light appeared over the tree tops I heard how Carlisle left the house. He had talking on the phone earlier and now was driving away in his car. But Edward had returned. Just moments after he entered the house he knocked on her door. _

_I turned away. I didn't want to talk right now. _I'm sorry Edward, but please, leave me alone for a while…_ I asked him in silence. A second later Edward walked away. I sighed. I really didn't want to talk to anyone right now… The only thing I wanted had just left the house. _

_I remained lying on the bed until it knocked again. I thought it was Edward and begged him in my mind to go away, but after a few knocks the door opened and Carmen stepped inside. I quickly sat up. "I just wanted to see if you're alright…" she said. I nodded, suddenly realising I was still wearing Carlisle's shirt. I lowered my head, knowing I would have blushed furiously if I could. Carmen didn't say anything though. "I am fine, thank you." I whispered. Carmen smiled and closed the door behind her. "If you need to talk, I am here to listen." She told me, smiling softly. I shook my head. I could not talk. I didn't even know what to say or how to start… _

_**Eleazar's POV **_

_I went down into the living room where Edward was reading. He looked up when I entered the room. "Hello Edward. Where is Carlisle?" I asked him. Edward shrugged. "He has been called into the hospital for an emergency. He will be back soon." He said. "Alright, do you know if Esme is better?" I asked. I still felt bad for what happened last night. Edward shook his head. "I told you already. This was not your fault. And Esme knows that." He said before turning his head towards the staircase. _

_A second later Carmen and Esme came down. I smiled at both of them. Carmen flitted over to my side, gently kissing my cheek. But even Esme smiled back at me. I was happy she didn't seem to be mad. "I'm sorry." I told Esme honestly. She tensed up a little but then gave me a sad smile. "Thank you. I know you didn't mean it." I smiled back at her. I felt better now, after properly apologising. _

_We all sat down to our own activities. Edward got back to reading, Carmen also took a book out and began reading. Esme looked a bit unsure what to do. "Esme?" I asked her softly. She looked at me. "Would you like to play chess? I'd like to play with someone who isn't cheating…" I said, glancing at Edward. Esme gave me a tiny smile and nodded. I smiled and got the board out. _

_**Carlisle's POV **_

_I ran my fingers through my hair and sighed. The surgery had been hard. I did everything I could and if my patient survived the night things looked good for him._

_I didn't feel tired, I couldn't, but I was emotionally drained. My patient had been a young woman and right now her family was with her, praying that she would survive the next 24 hours. I knew how they felt. This terrible fear of losing someone special. I knew it. I was afraid of being alone again. Even more so since Esme had joined us. I loved Edward and couldn't imagine my life without him, but if Esme decided to leave… I didn't know how I could cope with that. I already missed her, though she was in the same house. But we seemed so far apart. I frightened her and so I kept my distance. It hurt. It hurt terrible. When the only thing I really wanted was being close to Esme but I had to stay away from her. Because she was frightened of me. I understood that her memories were frightening her. I couldn't even imagine what she had lived through, but still. I wanted to help her, I wanted to hold her, calm her when she was frightened… God, I was in love with her… _

_**I hope you liked, but no matter what you think, I want to know your thoughts! Leave me a few words! THX! :) **_


	9. visitors part II

**_Okay, Sorry for the long wait, but here's teh new chapter. A bit short, I fear, but I wanted to treat you with something and not keep you waiting longer, so I decided to make a new chapter for what else is to come now... HOpe you like it! _**

_**CHAPTER 8 **__**– visitors part II**_

_Or was I? Could these feelings I had for Esme be that… Love? I didn't know. I had never felt something like that before… I sighed and closed my eyes for a moment, leaning back in my chair. Maybe… Edward was right… I had been jealous… I was jealous of him and the time he spent with Esme… hell, I also had been jealous of Eleazar! Eleazar, my friend for centuries! Eleazar who was married to Carmen! This was completely ridiculous and stupid! But, I guess I was being a bit irrational with all that confusion going on… and didn't they say that love was not rational? Well, if this was love then so much I had figured out already… _

_I finally went back to work, but I couldn't really concentrate any longer. After about an hour the head nurse approached me. "Dr Cullen? Are you alright?" I nodded. "Yes, yes I am fine." I told her absent minded. "Maybe you should go home. There's something, or rather someone on your mind that keeps you distracted today…" the nurse told me with a soft smile. I shook my head. "I'm alright…" I mumbled, not meeting the nurse's eyes. She sighed and shook her head. "No, Dr Cullen, excuse my bluntness but you are of no use in that state of mind. Go home, take a walk, relax, clear your head and come back when whatever bothers you is sorted out." She said. I opened my mouth to protest but the look the head nurse gave me silenced me. I nodded in defeat. "Alright… I'm going home… that is… if you really don't need me…" Head nurse Gretchen through her hands in the air and sighed loudly at my last attempt. "No! Please, Dr Cullen, go with god, but for god's sake, go!" I held up my hands as a sign of surrender. "I'm going."_

_Since I had no other choice I went into my office and changed my lab coat for my jacket, grabbed my keys and my scarf and left the hospital. I considered not going home for a few minutes, but I had no idea what I should do instead, so I drove home. _

_**Esme's POV **_

_I wasn't good at playing chess, I was too spontaneous and didn't plan ahead, also I was easy to read, but Eleazar still played with me, or better, he tried to teach me. He was actually a very calm nature, very patient and easy to be around. As soon as he noticed that chess didn't seem to be a talent of me he began to patiently explain the different moves to me. I hadn't much hope that I would ever master in this game, but I enjoyed it nonetheless. _

_**Carlisle's POV **_

_I stopped the car in the driveway and after a minute went into the house. I wasn't in the mood for company; my mind was swirling with thoughts. I needed to clear my head. When I entered the house I heard Esme's soft laugh drift towards me and smiled. It sounded beautiful. _

_**Esme's POV **_

_I heard the sound of a car in the driveway, Carlisle was coming home. I was happy, but also a bit anxious to see him. I always felt that way when Carlisle was near – anxious, happy, but also a little nervous and afraid. My emotions were a complete mess whenever he was near me. _

"_Esme, look, what would you do if I move like that now?" Eleazar asked and touched my arm to get my attention. I looked back on the chess board and frowned. Honestly, I didn't really know what Eleazar wanted to show me with this move. In my eyes it changed barely anything. I couldn't see his strategy behind it. I looked up at Eleazar with a helpless shrug and he chuckled. "Look…" and Eleazar began to explain his strategy again. _

_**Carlisle's POV**_

_I entered the living room and then stopped dead in my tracks. I had tried to muster up enough courage to talk to Esme again, or try it at least. I needed to tell her about my confused feelings. I could no longer live with this secret. I knew I behaved terribly these last days – impolite, snippy and a very bad host. _

_But all those thoughts changed abruptly when I set foot into the living room. My eyes instantly focussed on Esme and Eleazar in the corner. They were leaning towards each other over a chess board. Esme was smiling softly, while Eleazar explained something to her in a low tone, he had his hand on her arm and with his other hand showed her different things on the board. I didn't hear what they were talking about, I only saw him touching Esme and her being comfortable with it. And saw red! I didn't think rationally in that moment. The only important thing to me was that Eleazar was touching Esme, that he was too close to her. A low growl left my mouth before I could control it and all eyes turned to me. That was what brought me back to my senses a little. _

"_Carlisle?" Esme said softly, looking up at me with a confused look. "Are you alright?" she asked me. "I'm fine!" I barked roughly at her before flitting up the stairs to my room, slamming the door. _

_**Carmen's POV **_

_Carlisle's sharp comment made Esme cringe. She was obviously hurt by it. I had never seen Carlisle that way, but I knew what was wrong with him, or suspected it strongly. When he saw Esme and Eleazar talking and leaning over the chess board his eyes had gone pitch black. He wasn't thinking clear that moment. Eleazar looked flustered. I had a bad feeling he might want to set Carlisle's head straight, which didn't seem like a good idea right now. So I quickly touched his arm to calm him down. _

"_Eleazar darling, calm down a moment, I will explain…" I whispered. Esme had used the little second to flee to her room, no doubt feeling a sting of rejection. _

_I turned to Edward. _Carlisle was jealous, wasn't he?_ I asked in my head. Edward nodded. "If you get him to admit that I might kiss you!" he said with a sly smile. I laughed. _So you noticed it too?_ Edward groaned. "I listen to their thoughts all the time… but I wish you good luck to sort that out. Mind if I go hunting for a while?" he said. I shook my head. _

_Edward disappeared out the door, obviously relieved to escape this mess. Eleazar then turned to me. "What is this about?" he hissed lowly. I smiled. "You still don't see it?" I asked. Eleazar shrugged. "See what? Carlisle is acting rude and absolutely not himself right now, but other than that…" he trailed off. I nodded. "And I know the reason for his weird behaviour, or I think I know it." Eleazar waited for me to continue, still not knowing where I was getting at. 'Esme' I mouthed at him, so the two I was speaking of wouldn't hear. Eleazar stared at me. "You mean?" He began, then stopped, laughing lowly. "I never thought I'd see that happen in all eternity!" he mumbled, still chuckling. I rolled my eyes. "Well, maybe you could make yourself a little useful, so their shyness and fear won't drive Esme away any farther…" I suggested impatiently. Eleazar calmed down. "Talk to him? Maybe? I will talk to Esme. She seems pretty shaken and unsure what to make of Carlisle's behaviour…" Eleazar nodded thoughtful. "Yes, I do that right away." He agreed and went upstairs. _

_**Carlisle's POV **_

_I was anxiously pacing my study, running my hand through my hair – a nervous gesture from my long forgotten human days. I was really a complete lunatic. I mean, I came home, just having realised what my feelings for Esme were, then snapped at her because my best friend, married best friend explained chess to her! I wasn't sure vampires could go crazy, but I was almost sure I had just done that… _

_Suddenly it knocked and my dead heart got cold. I hoped this was not Esme to confront me about me acting crazy lately. "Carlisle? Can we talk?" It was Eleazar. Thank God. I breathed a sigh of relief. "Y…yes." I stuttered. I probably owed Eleazar an explanation why I invited him in the first step and then acted like I did. "Maybe we could go outside?" he suggested. I nodded and followed Eleazar outside into the forest. We kept walking until we arrived in a little clearing. There Eleazar stopped. _

_I had already opened my mouth to apologise for my rude behaviour when Eleazar spoke. "Why did you change Esme?" he asked softly, catching me off guard. "She deserved a second chance." I said. Eleazar sighed. "Carlisle, you see people die every day, and you let them die. Why her? Especially when you knew she wanted to die?" I took a deep breath and looked to the ground. "I saw her in the morgue… and thought of the vivid young girl I knew…" I whispered. Eleazar interrupted me. "You knew her before?" I nodded, still not meeting his eye. "I did. Ten years ago she was in the hospital with a broken leg, I treated her back then. I thought, she maybe wanted a new chance." I mumbled. "Carlisle, I know you. You knew Esme committed suicide and knowing this you wouldn't have changed her, not when you knew she chose to die, so why her?" he demanded. I looked up at Eleazar, hoping to make him stop his interrogation. "I couldn't let her die." I whispered simply. _

_Eleazar smiled. "Why not? Tell me the truth Carlisle." He looked at me for a few seconds before I dropped my gaze again. "You like her, don't you? A great deal? You liked her back then and you recognised her?" I sighed and nodded weakly. Eleazar got it. He smiled and chuckled softly. "now, tell why you act like you do then? Why don't you talk to her? Tell her what you feel?" _

_In my mind thoughts were chasing each other round, mixed in were memories of Esme and me. If I had hoped my mind would be clearer now, I was proven wrong. "She doesn't like me. She's afraid of me." I mumbled bitterly, speaking it out loud made it hurt so much more. "My dear friend, I think you're being a little hard on yourself now. Why would Esme be afraid of you?" "I don't know! She hugs Edward, she laughs with him, she hunts with him, she… she shies away from me, she hardly speaks to me…" I rambled, thinking of all the times I had been sad because Edward did something I couldn't do – like make Esme smile. "Maybe she also doesn't know how to act around you? If that's as new to her as it is to you. Also, you said she was abused by her husband. That's not easy to forget, I imagine." "But I would never hurt her! And Edward can hug her, she enjoys his company!" I knew I probably sounded like a child now, but I couldn't take back what I just said. "Carlisle, you are jealous of Edward? I might not be as observant as my beloved wife, but I know one thing: Esme and Edward don't look like they have any interest in each other the way you have in Esme… and, to believe Carmen, she is convinced the hug you gave Esme last night was something Esme really enjoyed…" My head snapped up at that. Could it be true? It was hard to believe…. Very hard… _

"_You should talk to her, you know. Explain how you feel. So, how do you feel? What do you want exactly?" I sighed and drew a shuddering, unneeded breath. "I want to hold her, make her smile, seeing her sad makes me sad… I want to erase her bad memories, I want to protect her… I… Eleazar, I… think I might have fallen in love…" I admitted very lowly, knowing if I could I would blush. Eleazar laughed at that. "Yes, my friend. You surely have. Hard and deep, that's for sure!" he said. "You need to tell her." Eleazar turned serious again. I swallowed hard and nodded slowly. I was afraid of that. I'd rather not know what Esme felt than being sure she didn't feel the same. _

_**Esme's POV**_

_I was sitting in my room, like I did a lot lately, fiddling with the blanket on my bed. I wasn't sure what to make of Carlisle's behaviour lately. He was acting so strange. Every time I thought I had figured him out he did something that destroyed all my hopes. Like a few minutes ago in the living room. Why was he so angry suddenly? Maybe something happened at work… but, he seemed to be angry at Eleazar and me… What had I done to upset him? _

"_Esme? Can I come in?" I heard Carmen ask outside my door. "Yes…" I whispered lowly. Carmen opened the door and stepped into my room, giving me a sympathetic smile. "Don't beat yourself up over this. He wasn't angry at you." She said. I looked up at her. "What?" I asked her, confused. "I know you think about Carlisle. Believe me, he is not really mad at you, you did nothing wrong…" I smiled sarcastically. "Why is he acting like that, then?" Carmen chuckled. "You can't imagine?" I shook my head. "Esme… you were leaning over that chess board with Eleazar, he even touched your arm…" I stared shocked at her. No, this was ridiculous! Carlisle would never… "No!" I blurted out, not wanting to even consider what Carmen was suggesting. It was simply too far out. "Yes. Carlisle was jealous, I'm almost sure of that. The look on his face was hard to misread…" I shook my head. "No, I mean, he knows Eleazar loves you! And they're friends! Also…" I swallowed hard. "…Carlisle doesn't see me that way…" I mumbled. Carmen placed a comforting hand on my thigh. "What makes you think that?" she wanted to know. I shrugged. "He… well, he keeps to himself a lot… he always keeps his distance…" I mumbled, thinking of how Carlisle always seemed to be uncomfortable when we were too close together. Like when he hugged me the other night. It was only a second and Carlisle seemed to be glad to let go of me again. _

_**Carmen's POV **_

"_You like Carlisle. That's easy to see." I said gently. "But how much do you like him really? I asked. Esme looked down and bit her lip. I didn't need to see more. "You have fallen for him, don't you?" Esme nodded. "But Carlisle is… he's not interested in me… he's just being nice…" she mumbled, then she quickly added. "Don't tell him, please." I shook my head. "But maybe you should tell him." I whispered before standing up and leaving the room, but giving Esme one last encouraging smile. _

_I heard Carlisle and Eleazar coming back. They were barely in hearing range, but I still thought it would be better to give Carlisle and Esme a chance to sort this out on their own. _

_**Carlisle's POV **_

_I was practically shivering with nervousness when I returned to the house with Eleazar. He gave me an encouraging pat on the shoulder. "Talk to her. You need to sort this out." He whispered. I nodded, still having no idea where I should start with that. _

_When I entered the house Carmen flitted past me. Obviously they both wanted to give me and Esme privacy for the talk I had agreed was needed, but didn't know if I wouldn't back down the last moment. I was too afraid of facing rejection. _

_I stood in the hallway outside Esme's room for a long moment. One side of my brain wanted to run away and keep things as they were while the other one shouted at me to go to her and talk. _

_Suddenly the door of Esme's room opened and she stepped outside. "Carlisle? I…I'M sorry, but… are you okay? You have been standing here for a while…" she asked nervously. I nodded, absent-minded, then cleared my throat and looked unsurely at Esme. "Eh… can I talk to you?" Esme nodded. "Yes… come in." I followed Esme inside her room. _

_I stopped in the middle of the room, nervous, playing with the crest ring on my finger, not knowing how to start. _

"_I'm sorry… for how I acted earlier. I was very rude and I apologise." I mumbled finally, looking up at Esme. She gave me a tiny smile. "Thanks, I was…" I interrupted her. "I know I scared you down there, and hurt you." I whispered remorseful. "I… it was stupid. But, seeing you and Eleazar… I…" "That was the reason?" Esme burst out. I shook my head, seeing how foolish my actions were myself. "Yes… sorry, but when I saw you two… laughing and…" I drew a shuddering breath. "I was… I didn't like it." I admitted finally, looking down. _

_**Esme's POV **_

_I gasped lowly and looked at Carlisle. Jealous? Had Carlisle honestly just told me he was jealous? But… I thought… "You didn't like it? Why?" I asked. Carlisle swallowed before answering. "I know that's crazy and foolish and all… but… it hurts… seeing you laugh and chat with Edward, now with Eleazar and… hiding from me…" he admitted. "I… always feel like I scare you, I hurt you… I do everything wrong, when I only want you to be happy… I want to make you smile… I want to… I'm sorry, just ignore me, this is ridiculous!" Carlisle mumbled, turning to leave my room. I grabbed his arm to hold him back. "I am not afraid of you, Carlisle. It's just… memories…" I mumbled. Carlisle nodded, but he obviously didn't believe me. I swallowed hard, deciding to listen to Carmen and tell, or rather show Carlisle what I felt. I gently reached up, touching his cheek. "Carlisle…" I whispered softly. He looked at me, his eyes the same dark brown colour he had that day ten years ago, the moment when I thought for the briefest second that he wanted to kiss me. I closed my eyes and then brushed my lips against Carlisle's. It was just a feather light touch, but it felt wonderful. I couldn't help it, I did it again. I opened my eyes to see Carlisle staring at me. He had a look of complete astonishment on his face. Carlisle didn't react in any way and I began to fear I had done the wrong thing. Had Carmen been wrong? Before fear could overwhelm me completely though, Carlisle suddenly cradled my face very gently in his hands and then kissed me… _

_**Tell me what you think, plz! I'd like to hear your thoughts on this one! **_


	10. IMPORTANT NOTE  please read!

**_IMPORTANT NOTE: _**

**_I know that a lot of you are desperately waiting for an update of 'a special world'. Sadly I have to say I have a massive writer's block with this story because I don't really like the way it turned out. I was trying to get it to work again, but somehow I seemed to have lost my feeling for this story. Somewhere along the way I did something wrong with it that needs to be fixed before it can go on. That's why I have decided that I will try to rewrite it as soon as university allows me to. I am deeply sorry for that and I hope you still stick with me. I can assure you I love this story at least as much as some of you do. _**

**_I won't completely abandon it, but at the moment I can't go on the way it is now. I will keep you updated on my process of rewriting via twitter, or if you have any more questions, just PM me or me on twitter, I will answer every question and try be as fast as possible with something new for you. _**

**_Again, I am really sorry... _**

**_Julie_**


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